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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a routine for my baby/be keeping him with me?

68 replies

Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 22:01

Help me mumsnet! I'm a clueless first time mum.
My 19 week old baby:

  • Co-sleeps
  • Naps on me (or his dad)
  • Stays downstairs with us til we go to bed so has no real bedtime routine as such, but gets into PJ's, has bottle and is asleep by 8.30pm (ish).

He wakes once or twice a night for feeding, and is up by 6.30am pretty consistently. He has quite long naps in the day, no set times but he has a loose "routine" of his own.

I've been told by so many people I need a bedtime routine and to put him to bed (I thought SIDS risk was higher if they are in a separate room before 6 months?), stop co-sleeping (rod for my own back has been mentioned a few times!!) and stop him napping on me.

I feel happy enough with our set up. I know my baby isn't spoiled by being cuddled but I hear so much about routine etc that I wonder, am I somehow doing him a disservice? Would he be better off with a routine and napping and sleeping alone?

Very much doubting myself at the moment!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 22:51

@elenacampana

I do have a routine for my 12wk old OP, but it’s what suits me, my husband and our baby. I pretty much wanted the exact opposite of your situation so that’s what I’ve sorted out for myself. What I don’t do is discuss it with anyone else, especially people I know who do things very differently. It means no one has an opinion!

Nothing about what you’re doing sounds terrible to me. It works for you then carry on :-)

Thank you! I definitely need to share less, but people often ask how does he sleep etc, need to be more vague! And my mum is often here to witness the contact napping so will often comment...
OP posts:
Original poster
Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 22:54

@Daydreamsinsantafe

You’re making a rod for your own back if you don’t learn to ignore ‘advice’. You will constantly question yourself and cause yourself unnecessary anxiety whilst you could just be getting on with enjoying your baby.

I’m currently on baby number 4 and that’s exactly how I do things. It’s true that co-sleeping isn’t ideal at 3 & 4 etc but you deal with that when it comes. Do you really want to miss out on the loveliness of it now because one day it won’t work?

As PP said, stop telling people what you do. It gives them licence to comment.
Your tiny baby sounds blissfully content and you appear to have it all in hand. Enjoy!

Thank you - you're so right
OP posts:
Shiteshow100 · 01/02/2022 22:56

My only advice would be to put him down for naps and put him in his own bed as else you'll make a rod for your own back. Been there done it and had a little one who couldn't be left at all and would goto sleep holding my hand, yes I had to go to bed at 7.30 pm. But don't stress it if your not wanting to do that.

blyn72 · 01/02/2022 22:58

It sounds good to me (though I wouldn't like the 6.30am waking). I never had a fixed routine with mine though we naturally fell into some patterns. He stayed up downstairs with us, was quite engaged with things. We co-slept too.

It seems to have worked. Don't worry about what others say, you know your child.

Original poster
Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 22:59

@pinkstripeycat this would be me if he went in his own room. And agree, they are little for such a short time

OP posts:
DiddyHeck · 01/02/2022 23:01

I feel happy enough with our set up

Just keep repeating this ^^ to yourself as this is all that matters. It's only really the UK and a few other countries where bedtime is even a 'thing' for babies. Lots of other cultures don't have them and manage perfectly well.

Original poster
Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 23:01

@blyn72 I don't like it either!! Luckily for me my partner gets up with him (I do night wakings) and I get an hour in bed before he goes to work!

OP posts:
feministqueen · 01/02/2022 23:03

Sounds normal to me.
IMO...

they don't need a bedtime til 8/9 months when they start to show signs of needing a bedtime.
There is no such thing as a rod
Responding to your babies needs is a human and natal thing to do

Keep doing what you're doing @Ftm229

Redribbonheadset · 01/02/2022 23:03

Are you happy with the current arrangement? Then crack on! If you're not happy try to change it but remember baby will not everalways comply

De88 · 01/02/2022 23:07

If you're happy to carry on as you are and prepared for baby to potentially associate you with sleep and the issues that might bring, do whatever you want, as long as you do it safely.

Original poster
Ftm229 · 01/02/2022 23:07

@Redribbonheadset

Are you happy with the current arrangement? Then crack on! If you're not happy try to change it but remember baby will not everalways comply
That's what I thought, how do people get their babies to eat/sleep at set times? But I am happy with how we're doing things, I just wanted to make sure I'm not doing anything wrong - it's all new to me!
OP posts:
blyn72 · 01/02/2022 23:20

It sounds like you are doing all right, Ftm.

Puppyseahorse · 01/02/2022 23:24

Another vote for do what you want.

People have so many opinions about babies.

And no one really knows what babies want or need. Cos they can’t talk.

Do what works for you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/02/2022 23:25

You’re doing brilliantly! I would say that, we did exactly the same Grin

altiara · 01/02/2022 23:47

Sounds like you have your own routine already!

If you want to, you could read up on 1 or 2 books about ‘other’ routines. Not necessarily to change yours, but you might find some suggestions or tweaks for when the time is right. Or you might see some explanations that fit with what you’re already doing.

I remember my friend who had a DC 4 weeks before me kept asking what routine I was doing and I was clueless! So I did read a couple of books. Then my DD put herself into a routine (as clearly I wasn’t up to the job!), she was a good sleeper and if I mucked up her routine up during the day, it was obvious in the evening (with hindsight!)

I will say that for me, DD having a routine meant I knew what was going on and could plan things better. But I wouldn’t fixate too much.

HiJenny35 · 01/02/2022 23:56

Omg I had this the whole time, "rod for your own back" "how will they get up for school" "you'll never get your bed back" "you need adult time" nope nope nope, we didn't need adult time, we just enjoyed that time while they were young, it didn't create a rod for anything because we loved the cuddles, they went to bed when we went to bed and as a result we always got plenty of sleep, when they started nursery they were tired from the day so fell asleep earlier it was no big issue and they both went into own beds as easy as anything (we bypassed cots altogether). I know lots of people who need adult time and loved a routine, I just didn't, everyone's different, you do you and if you are happy carry on and learn to nod and smile. Now they are both school age and the years have flown, I wish I could get that time back so grab the cuddles while you can.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 02/02/2022 00:01

I was 21 when I had mine, I wasn't interested in other peoples opinion. I trusted my instincts and it worked out fine.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 02/02/2022 00:07

My friend had a fabulously adaptable baby. She could do anything. My baby was routine driven (later diagnosed with ASD). Her second dc was routine driven (not ASD).
If it's working for all of you then stick with it and ignore anyone else.

Sleepaway · 02/02/2022 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Volhhg · 02/02/2022 00:19

I would be thanking my lucky stars that I had a 19week old baby that only wakes twice a night. Well done to you, you must be doing something right! Enjoy it and cross your fingers it lasts. Never had any problems here transitioning from cosleeping.

BookFiend4Life · 02/02/2022 02:39

Hey OP! We started out similarly to you, our baby is 11 months. About a month ago we transitioned to having her do naps and a couple hours at night in her crib. When she wakes up I go get her and bring her back to our bed. It's a good blend of giving us a few baby free hours and still getting sweet sleepy cuddles and wakeups.

Cheeseplantboots · 02/02/2022 02:44

I was the same with my three. Once they went into their own rooms we never had any issues with them getting up or coming into our room. They’re young teenagers now and have their own routines.

Do what you want with your own baby x

milkyaqua · 02/02/2022 03:16

Definitely co-sleeping safely! Isn't the most comfortable I've ever been in my life I must admit, but I can fall asleep anywhere so awkwardly lying on my arm in the 'C' position is doable!

Until it isn't. Why on earth would you take that risk of smothering or overheating your baby?

Happyhappyday · 02/02/2022 03:23

I think it depends if you’re happy. I hated having dc sleep on me & I couldn’t sleep if she was in the bed. It does seem like a kiddo being able to go to sleep on their own is pretty handy and there is evidence that it gets harder the longer they are in with you. So I guess I’d be thinking seriously about what my end game was and planning towards that. Ie, if I didn’t want to cosleep past a year etc then I would be working towards independent sleeping well before that.

shivawn · 02/02/2022 04:10

I don't co-sleep but other than that I'm in the same situation with my 15 week old. No daytime routine and I have to hold him for all his naps. I don't feel great about it but lately his naps are getting longer and I'm hoping a routine will emerge as he gets older.

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