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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to wedding more than 3,000 miles away

31 replies

crimbo2008 · 30/12/2007 14:27

One of dh's family has announced she's planning on getting married abroad between Xmas and New Year 2008.

Her and her fiance are both from the same village in the UK, so there's no connection to the foreign place other than that they want to marry there.

It would cost several thousand for all 4 of us to go..at least £1200 for flights alone.

It's somewhere we've already been and have 'done that'.

It would also be very cold there at that time of year.

We could afford to do it, but it would mean not going on holiday to somewhere we haven't visited..and I begrudge feeling emotionally blackmailed to attend.

DH and dc would like to go....aibu not to want to? I've suggested dh go on his own, but I don't really like the idea of us having separate holidays as time together is very precious - plus I'd be on my own coping with dc while he's gone.

OP posts:
belgo · 30/12/2007 14:30

YANBU. That's a lot of money to go somewhere you've already been to. Where is it?

Having said that, I would probably go, and organise a stop off somewhere interesting along the way, making it into more of a holiday.

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2007 14:33

Perhaps they don't want many people to attend - 3000 miles from home, between xmas and new year - sounds suspect to me that they really want only a few guests and hope others will be put of going by the distnace, expense and the time of year....

purpleduck · 30/12/2007 14:40

Don't people marry abroad to slyly keep the numbers down?
I wouldn't feel one bit bad about not going. If they wanted everyone to attend, they would get married here, or pay for everyone to go.

purpleduck · 30/12/2007 14:41

oh, sorry, ivykaty said that first

must learn to read threads

Original poster
crimbo2008 · 30/12/2007 14:41

They do want us to attend and were quite shirty when we said we didn't know if we would be going.

I'd rather not say exactly where it is, in case I identify myself.

I did already think about a stopoff...but it would add even more to the cost.

There's also a nagging suspicion they might call the whole thing off anyway after we'd booked flights and I'd be very p*d off if that happened.

My big issue is that dh would like to attend, but I must admit I'd resent forking out that amount of money for something I'd rather not do.

OP posts:
belgo · 30/12/2007 14:45

It's unreasonable for them to get shirty with you for not being certain about going. I got married in Belgium, and my best friend couldn't make it from England, but I wasn't annoyed about it.

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 30/12/2007 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 30/12/2007 14:55

You choose to get married abroad and you have to accept that not everyone will make it. So no, yanbu, I wouldn't go. I don't like the idea that other people are attempting to prioritise £xk of my money tbh.

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2007 14:56

How can you get shirty with someone for not spending thousands of pounds to go to their wedding - unless it is expense free? How would anyone really know what someone elses finances were in?

I think they really need to be realistic about the fact if they choose to marry far away from home then some guests will be unable to attend or not wish to attend due to cost.

WideWebWitch · 30/12/2007 14:57

I really think THEY are BU if they EXPECT people to decide to spend thousands because THEYU have chosen to do it 3000 miles away. Really Bridezilla behaviour imo.

FlllightAttendant · 30/12/2007 15:01

Difficult about your DH, and absolutely not difficult about them expecting you to go!

If they wanted you to go so much they should do it somewhere feasible.

But if DH wants to go he must understand it will be at the xepense of your holiday together. I guess you and he need to agree on which is more important...

belgo · 30/12/2007 15:04

Even if you can afford it, it is still unreasonable of them to expect you to go. It is a huge amount of money, and also holiday time.

fireflyfairy2 · 30/12/2007 15:05

dh's aunt is getting married this summer in Cyprus. They asked our dd to be flowergirl before they even told us it was abroad... we have already booked to go on our holidays 3 weeks before the wedding so have now said we can't go if it is held in Cyprus.

They are huffing with us... even though we simply can't afford to go there!!

I don't blame you for not wanting to go, it's at an awful time of year too!

gr1973 · 30/12/2007 15:06

I got married abroad but we stayed in Europe because we knew it would be a more affordable city break for the people that we really wanted to come. A couple of people didn't make it but we understood.

Purpleduck, while we weren't trying to slyly keep the numbers down, we did know that there were one or two choice people that couldn't have made it !

LIZS · 30/12/2007 15:08

Is it a very close family member ? I agree it is unreasonable to expect everyone to pay out to travel that far/much at their behest. Unless you are the sort of family to go away en masse normally and therefore this isn't so unusual and you know you would enjoy it as a holiday, then avoid. Are the rest of the family really up for it ? Otherwise can you show up for the wedding then hop off soemwhere you haven't been for a week?

newnamefornewyearbookwormmum · 30/12/2007 15:10

Some people can't fly for health reasons either - if I opted to get married abroad unless it was in a country he could reasonably get a train or boat to, I'd be minus my Dad on my big day. He's barred from flying due to health reasons.

Unless they've given good notice (like a couple of years!) or are paying for it, they're being unreasonable demanding that you go. What's this about doubts it might not happen? Have they said that?

melpomene · 30/12/2007 15:14

YANBU. Bride and groom are BU. Are they going to have a reception/party after returning to the UK, for friends and family that couldn't make it to the wedding? Maybe you could compromise by not attending the wedding, but offering to host/help with arranging a party after they return.

catsmother · 30/12/2007 15:15

Even "local" weddings can be really expensive buy the time you've sorted out all the possible costs on top of presents and outfits such as travel, overnight stays, babysitting and so on for a family.

I'd feel hugely resentful if I was being emotionally blackmailed into spending thousands (well, I literally couldn't do that anyway, but you know what I mean) because someone was getting huffy with me about not instantly wanting to travel 3,000 miles. I'd also feel very angry with my DP to be honest if he was insisting on spending family money on such a trip - wedding or not - if a) we couldn't afford it and/or b) it was at the expense of a family holiday & time together as a couple.

People who "expect" others to fall in with their extravagant plans without complaint are, IMO, being incredibly selfish. By all means, get married where you want but you simply cannot demand that your friends and family also attend, regardless of what you think their finances are like.

dancerandprancer · 30/12/2007 15:21

I got married abroad and it was great. We did not expect people to come and certainly never made people feel they should. However BIL decided to come (out of duty) and has bi**d ever since about the cost and was a misery the whole time away.. I would say that YANBU at all as it s expenseive. However if you do go, then dont bring up how expensive it is etc. just try and enjoy the holiday. Your family are out of order trying to make you feel guilty.

Original poster
crimbo2008 · 30/12/2007 16:21

Thanks everyone...now then, do I fess up and show this thread to dh?

OP posts:
helenhismadwife · 02/01/2008 19:59

YANBU at all flights etc are usually a lot more expensive at that time of year, and I do think its unreasonable of them to expect you to spend such a huge amount of money, its difficult though if you dh really wants to go.

A single friend of mines sister got married abroad think it was Italy last summer it cost her a fortune in flight costs, hotel, clothes and gift but she couldnt just not go.

alicet · 02/01/2008 21:50

YANBU. In my opinion anyone who chooses to get married abroad has to know that some people will not be able to go. Especially if they choose to do it at this time of year! If they want to get married 3000 miles from home that is their shout - its not as if you're demanding they do it closer to home which WOULD be unreasonable of you. But they are being selfish in the extreme to get huffy with you about being reluctant to go.

And yes, show your dh this thread. Sure you can come to a compromise whereby he can go and you can stay with family to help with dc's?

ninedragons · 03/01/2008 04:58

Destination weddings are fine if you assume a much-reduced turnout.

My SIL's friend got married in Thailand on Boxing Day (on the first anniversary of the tsunami, no less) and then fell out with all her friends because they wouldn't come because they all had Christmas plans. It's a ridiculous and profoundly selfish expectation that people will fly across the world to fulfil your fantasy wedding ideas.

arfishy · 03/01/2008 07:32

Deffo YANBU. We were invited to a wedding in Hawaii that would have cost 10K for all of us to attend. It was a complete no-brainer.

If DP and I get married in Sydney we would expect a turn-out of oh, around none from the UK. Just too expensive.

Upwind · 03/01/2008 08:53

YANBU

If people plan to marry abroad it is absurd of them to assume that everyone they want there will fork our £1000s and sacrifice their holiday time.

Maybe ask them about having a party when you come back?

I was married abroad, but very much closer to home than that. We were amazed how many people made it and have never felt in the slightest bit annoyed at those who couldn't.

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