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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't want anything to do with MIL EVER again! AIBU?

107 replies

GirlMama1 · 01/02/2022 19:27

So last year my partner and I had our first child, our DD. When we were pregnant we were living in a small room in a shared house. My parents offered for us to move home for a few months to save for a bigger place.

When my MIL found out she immediately suggested that we moved in with her for a few months as she had more room than my parents and it was just her and my BIL who was 16 at time. We said no as my partner has told me of the mood swings she has and how she used to behave with him when he was a teenager. He moved out when he was 16 to live with his dad as he couldn't cope with her. She was annoyed and said she wouldn't get time to bond with her grandchild.

We moved to my parents house and had our DD. During this time my sister moved her boyfriend of 2 months into the house and got pregnant.

It was a nightmare for my partner living with them as my sister and her boyfriend were very rude to him constantly telling him what he could and couldn't do, down to the amount of time he was allowed a bath, until they had a falling out and my parents asked him to leave as my sister was pregnant and they didn't want stress for her. This was fair enough in my book as I didn't want anyone to be stressed. MIL immediately offered for us to stay with her.

The first few days were fine as she was happy to have her grandchild there. I made a point to do everything to keep her happy, I cleaned the house every day, did her washing and dried and folded her clothes. She refused rent, so we put electricity on the meter and bought our own food so we weren't being an inconvenience. My partner did any jobs she wanted done around the house and as I was the only one who drove, I drove her wherever she asked without payment or petrol money. She then started asking me to drive my BIL to his girlfriend's house or to collect her twice a week, she would get me to bring him to his sports classes and even had me drive him 2 hours to a game sit and wait for 2 hours and 2 hours home all with a 3 month old baby. She never thanked me and never paid for petrol it all came out of my pocket which was fairly empty at the time.

Things started getting very annoying when MIL and BIL started eating all our food, would leave the washing machine full of dirty clothes so I had to wash them before I could wash our own clothes, MIL told me I needed to hang my washing outside and wasn't allowed to use tumble dryer only she could use as it was too high on electricity (I was buying electricity every week), left the kitchen filthy and would tell me to clean it. MIL put a lock on the freezer so I couldn't access our food without her permission, she took all the towels out of the bathroom and hid them in her bedroom wardrobe because she said she needed them more than us, she insisted that every window in the house be kept open for a few hours each day to air the house which was fine but I would close the blind so that DD didn't get chilly! This infuriated MIL who said the blinds had to be kept open too, I just ignored this as it was only in our bedroom and I didn't consider it a big deal.

After 3 weeks MIL said we needed to find another place to live as she wanted to get a foreign exchange student and needed the room. She suggested we buy a caravan and live in that while we saved money she said it would be more private for us and we could stay a year or more. She said we could put it at the back of her property. We agreed and used our savings to buy a beautiful 1980's vintage caravan and the bits that were needed to renovate it. My partner got to work as quickly as possible to renovate it working all his free time.

After two weeks she was getting increasingly hostile with us, she wouldn't acknowledge DD and would bump into me in the hallway without saying a word. I told my partner we needed to hurry so he stepped up the work on caravan. I bought him a small electric kettle to use outside to have 1-2 cups of tea a day to keep him warm out there and that's when she lost the plot. She came home that day and went to use her gas hob (we never used hob) and the gas was gone she accused us of using all the gas and demanded I bought her a new gas cannister. I told her that I did not use gas hob and she said my partner was making tea. I told her I had bought a kettle and she started screaming at me that there are no kettles to be used in her house as it was to high on electricity. I tried to explain that two cups of tea a day was only a couple of cent a week and she said she didn't care so I said well I paid for the electricity anyway. She lost it then, she pulled out money to the value of the electricity I had put on the meter last and threw it at me (while I was holding DD). She then accused me of not doing her washing ( I hadn't dried her washing for her because she locked the tumble drier in the shed (she had key) and the fields had recently been fertilized and if I hung them up outside they would smell like pig poo! So I opted to wait until she came home and get the key off her. My partner and I decided we would go out for a while to let her calm down but when we came back she was ready for a fight and continued to get up in my face while I had DD and shout at me. Apparently it was her house, she told us not to go there she didn't want us, we never cleaned, expected her to do all the washing (hers and BIL) and she said that because of DD the house smelled (assuming this was because I refused to open blind with windows open). She then told us the next morning we were to get out.

As we had just spent all our money on a vintage caravan and my partner was not welcome at my parents the next day we packed up all our belongings and went to a hotel where we used our last bit of money to stay a few nights. Thankfully my FIL helped us with a deposit and first month's rent and after 1 week in a hotel we found our own apartment. The day we left MIL's house I purposely didn't say anything as I had been respectful the whole time and wanted to leave as I had behaved all along (even though there was a lot I wanted to say), MIL checked our belongings to ensure as she said we weren't stealing her things and locked the shed doors as we left saying we would steal on our way out! The caravan was collected by a lorry transport company and when lifted on the crane it broke at the seams so we lost all that money.

MIL then blocked us on social media as did BIL. Two days later she messaged accusing me of stealing her shovel to which I didn't respond as I had nothing belonging to her. She has not messaged once to ask how her grandchild is and she has gone out of her way to make up a story for the rest of her family who now don't speak to us. And last month she messaged me looking for the receipt for her Christmas present so she could return it. I didn't have the receipt so she asked for my bank statements which I gave her.

I have decided I want nothing more to do with her and don't want her to ever see my DD again. Not that she cares at this point DD has since turned 1 and she hasn't asked us how she is in 7 months now. AIBU?

OP posts:
2Gen · 02/02/2022 15:14

@GirlMama1- You're far from silly! Ye've managed to get out of a really difficult situation and are standing on your own feet and ye did it far quicker, out of a much worse situation and with far, far less support than I did. I think ye are to be commended!

Opus17 · 02/02/2022 15:38

She doesn't sound right in the head, op. Stay well clear of her.

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/02/2022 16:07

I feel for you OP.

I think some of the replies that you don't like do have a point to them though.
I had an unplanned pregnancy 10 years ago and opted for termination as my exdh and I were not financially independent, we both lived at home with respective parents and hadn't enough savings to start renting together as i wasnt earning much at all (this was years before we moved in together, married and then welcomed DD together)

Obviously you made the choice that was right for you, but the golden rule with moving back in with any parents is that it's their home and no matter how ridiculous they are towards you, they have every right to run the household and put up with others however they like and even to tell you to leave when it suits them.

However I do think your MIL is batshit but not surprising how she treated you if you said that when your DP was younger she treated him badly then too. You can probably say that you knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park.

I do hope it all works out for you but I think the lesson here is that financial independence is priceless for you, pay your FIL back as and when you can and focus on building a future for your DD without any interference from others.
Cut ties if that's what you need to do.

BunsOfAnarchy · 02/02/2022 16:07

Also. Yanbu lol

Olive19741205 · 02/02/2022 16:10

2Gen

Are you insinuating that people who have an abortion are not good people? I don't want to quote your disgusting words but what do you mean by this? I was in England and could have easily had my DS killed before he was born and kept the APPEARACNE of being a "good" person but I didn't!

TheBlackJew · 02/02/2022 17:56

Olive19741205

No. It's not the ones who have had an abortion that are bad people. Gen, you are out of order for saying that.

It's the hypocritical ones who sneer at single mums, who criticise the amount of children someone has, knowing full well the reason as to why they don't have as many children..

An ex friend of mine springs to mind...think hyacinth bucket; all fur coat and no knickers.

fargo123 · 05/02/2022 04:16

My mother asked my partner to leave because he told them sister's boyfriend was walking all over them. They didn't appreciate this even though it was true. My sister was pregnant and I had a new baby neither of us needed the stress so we left. I still speak with my family. They are still amicable with my partner but he is not welcome in their house as my sister and her boyfriend still live there. I was not kicked out I was told I could stay with the baby but I refused to separate from my partner.

It's interesting that both sets of parents kicked you out, yet your family is still worthy of a relationship, whilst your MIL is the devil incarnate.

It's really splitting hairs to say you weren't kicked out, and that only your partner was. If your mother had a single braincell she'd have to know that you would quite rightly leave with your partner, so she was, in effect, kicking you (and your child) out too. I mean, what sort of grandparent would see their baby grandchild out on the street on the say-so of their other child's partner not liking being told a few home truths?

Has your sister always been the golden child? There's no other explanation for choosing one daughter over the other when they're in similar circumstances. If my parent/s took the actions of my sibling's partner over doing the right thing by me, that'd be the end of our (parent/child) relationship.

Yes, MIL does sound absolutely batshit, and that this is not a new development, so I wouldn't want anything to do with her either. However, if my parent/s kicked my partner out (and effectively me too), I'd go NC with them for that alone. Imagine how disloyal it looks to him to see you still having a relationship with the very people who have banned him from their house when, quite frankly, he seems like the only decent person in all this mess.

Going forward, I'd cut all of them out, move far away, and start a new life with my partner and baby.

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