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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't want anything to do with MIL EVER again! AIBU?

107 replies

GirlMama1 · 01/02/2022 19:27

So last year my partner and I had our first child, our DD. When we were pregnant we were living in a small room in a shared house. My parents offered for us to move home for a few months to save for a bigger place.

When my MIL found out she immediately suggested that we moved in with her for a few months as she had more room than my parents and it was just her and my BIL who was 16 at time. We said no as my partner has told me of the mood swings she has and how she used to behave with him when he was a teenager. He moved out when he was 16 to live with his dad as he couldn't cope with her. She was annoyed and said she wouldn't get time to bond with her grandchild.

We moved to my parents house and had our DD. During this time my sister moved her boyfriend of 2 months into the house and got pregnant.

It was a nightmare for my partner living with them as my sister and her boyfriend were very rude to him constantly telling him what he could and couldn't do, down to the amount of time he was allowed a bath, until they had a falling out and my parents asked him to leave as my sister was pregnant and they didn't want stress for her. This was fair enough in my book as I didn't want anyone to be stressed. MIL immediately offered for us to stay with her.

The first few days were fine as she was happy to have her grandchild there. I made a point to do everything to keep her happy, I cleaned the house every day, did her washing and dried and folded her clothes. She refused rent, so we put electricity on the meter and bought our own food so we weren't being an inconvenience. My partner did any jobs she wanted done around the house and as I was the only one who drove, I drove her wherever she asked without payment or petrol money. She then started asking me to drive my BIL to his girlfriend's house or to collect her twice a week, she would get me to bring him to his sports classes and even had me drive him 2 hours to a game sit and wait for 2 hours and 2 hours home all with a 3 month old baby. She never thanked me and never paid for petrol it all came out of my pocket which was fairly empty at the time.

Things started getting very annoying when MIL and BIL started eating all our food, would leave the washing machine full of dirty clothes so I had to wash them before I could wash our own clothes, MIL told me I needed to hang my washing outside and wasn't allowed to use tumble dryer only she could use as it was too high on electricity (I was buying electricity every week), left the kitchen filthy and would tell me to clean it. MIL put a lock on the freezer so I couldn't access our food without her permission, she took all the towels out of the bathroom and hid them in her bedroom wardrobe because she said she needed them more than us, she insisted that every window in the house be kept open for a few hours each day to air the house which was fine but I would close the blind so that DD didn't get chilly! This infuriated MIL who said the blinds had to be kept open too, I just ignored this as it was only in our bedroom and I didn't consider it a big deal.

After 3 weeks MIL said we needed to find another place to live as she wanted to get a foreign exchange student and needed the room. She suggested we buy a caravan and live in that while we saved money she said it would be more private for us and we could stay a year or more. She said we could put it at the back of her property. We agreed and used our savings to buy a beautiful 1980's vintage caravan and the bits that were needed to renovate it. My partner got to work as quickly as possible to renovate it working all his free time.

After two weeks she was getting increasingly hostile with us, she wouldn't acknowledge DD and would bump into me in the hallway without saying a word. I told my partner we needed to hurry so he stepped up the work on caravan. I bought him a small electric kettle to use outside to have 1-2 cups of tea a day to keep him warm out there and that's when she lost the plot. She came home that day and went to use her gas hob (we never used hob) and the gas was gone she accused us of using all the gas and demanded I bought her a new gas cannister. I told her that I did not use gas hob and she said my partner was making tea. I told her I had bought a kettle and she started screaming at me that there are no kettles to be used in her house as it was to high on electricity. I tried to explain that two cups of tea a day was only a couple of cent a week and she said she didn't care so I said well I paid for the electricity anyway. She lost it then, she pulled out money to the value of the electricity I had put on the meter last and threw it at me (while I was holding DD). She then accused me of not doing her washing ( I hadn't dried her washing for her because she locked the tumble drier in the shed (she had key) and the fields had recently been fertilized and if I hung them up outside they would smell like pig poo! So I opted to wait until she came home and get the key off her. My partner and I decided we would go out for a while to let her calm down but when we came back she was ready for a fight and continued to get up in my face while I had DD and shout at me. Apparently it was her house, she told us not to go there she didn't want us, we never cleaned, expected her to do all the washing (hers and BIL) and she said that because of DD the house smelled (assuming this was because I refused to open blind with windows open). She then told us the next morning we were to get out.

As we had just spent all our money on a vintage caravan and my partner was not welcome at my parents the next day we packed up all our belongings and went to a hotel where we used our last bit of money to stay a few nights. Thankfully my FIL helped us with a deposit and first month's rent and after 1 week in a hotel we found our own apartment. The day we left MIL's house I purposely didn't say anything as I had been respectful the whole time and wanted to leave as I had behaved all along (even though there was a lot I wanted to say), MIL checked our belongings to ensure as she said we weren't stealing her things and locked the shed doors as we left saying we would steal on our way out! The caravan was collected by a lorry transport company and when lifted on the crane it broke at the seams so we lost all that money.

MIL then blocked us on social media as did BIL. Two days later she messaged accusing me of stealing her shovel to which I didn't respond as I had nothing belonging to her. She has not messaged once to ask how her grandchild is and she has gone out of her way to make up a story for the rest of her family who now don't speak to us. And last month she messaged me looking for the receipt for her Christmas present so she could return it. I didn't have the receipt so she asked for my bank statements which I gave her.

I have decided I want nothing more to do with her and don't want her to ever see my DD again. Not that she cares at this point DD has since turned 1 and she hasn't asked us how she is in 7 months now. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 02/02/2022 10:26

@Lwren perhaps you should invite her to move in with you next, then :)

Ozanj · 02/02/2022 10:34

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both your Mum and his kicked you out. You clearly aren’t telling us the full story.

madisonbridges · 02/02/2022 10:36

You managed to fall out with both sets of parents? Why didn't you use your savings to find somewhere to live rather than buying a caravan?

Lwren · 02/02/2022 10:39

@TheOccupier she's welcome too if she's struggling x

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 10:49

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You need to sort out your own accommodation/house.

Stop relying on everyone else then slagging them off.

How have I slagged anyone off? I've not called any names and was always respectful.
OP posts:
SartresSoul · 02/02/2022 10:50

Really hard to read this, I feel shattered even thinking about how awful and controlling she is. There’s a reason your DH left home so young, his Mother is a total witch so it was a huge mistake ever returning there. I don’t think I could have anything to do with her anymore personally.

betterwithage · 02/02/2022 10:57

TheOccupier, OMG you really are a nasty piece of work. So much judgement. A few words of encouragement & support go a long way. I pity you.

InisnaBro · 02/02/2022 11:09

[quote GirlMama1]@TheOccupier Not financially dependànt never asked parents or MIL for a penny. Baby was a surprise and unfortunately with rent so high we didn't have much savings. Like I said we were living in a shared house, so we did have somewhere to live but that wasn't ideal having a baby in a house full of strangers. The whole point was to save money. But I wouldn't change having DD for the world. So thanks for taking the time to not read and give an unhelpful comment.[/quote]
That person wasn’t being unhelpful, just pointing out that having a baby when you’re (presumably) very young and poor is the perfect opportunity for family upon whom you’re dependent for a roof over your heads to behave unpleasantly and/or exploitatively towards you.

Your boyfriend knew exactly what his mother would be like from his own past, and your parents seem to have ended up with two pregnant daughters who can’t afford to live independently under their roof in quick succession — that’s the kind of situation that never ends well.

Just focus on your finances, and forget your MIL.

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 12:48

@InisnaBro I made this post to ask whether it was unreasonable not to speak to MIL again. I don't think it's very appropriate to throw rude comments and judgements around. I'm not young I'm 27. And I'm not poor, we both work hard and can afford everything we need to live comfortably. Living in a shared house doesn't make you poor. Rent where I live is very expensive and unfortunately it doesn't allow you to save a lot of money. A one bedroom house would be almost double the rent we were paying when we were already living paycheck to paycheck which is why we wanted to save for a while to get ahead of rent on a more expensive place. My sister also not poor or young she's a 30 year old hard working teacher who has plenty of savings but chose to live at home and didn't want to move out. So your quite frankly rude comments that my parents ended up with 'two pregnant daughters who can't afford to live independently' is neither correct nor appreciated.

OP posts:
TheViewFromTheCheapSeats · 02/02/2022 12:56

Well I’ve always been a bit dubious about people who go ‘non-contact’, but you’ve brought me round to the idea. Move on with life and forget she existed

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 13:02

@Ozanj

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both your Mum and his kicked you out. You clearly aren’t telling us the full story.
My mother asked my partner to leave because he told them sister's boyfriend was walking all over them. They didn't appreciate this even though it was true. My sister was pregnant and I had a new baby neither of us needed the stress so we left. I still speak with my family. They are still amicable with my partner but he is not welcome in their house as my sister and her boyfriend still live there. I was not kicked out I was told I could stay with the baby but I refused to separate from my partner. MIL had been asking us to go to her all along so she could bond with her grandchild so we did. She didn't bond she barely acknowledged her.
OP posts:
InisnaBro · 02/02/2022 13:04

[quote GirlMama1]@InisnaBro I made this post to ask whether it was unreasonable not to speak to MIL again. I don't think it's very appropriate to throw rude comments and judgements around. I'm not young I'm 27. And I'm not poor, we both work hard and can afford everything we need to live comfortably. Living in a shared house doesn't make you poor. Rent where I live is very expensive and unfortunately it doesn't allow you to save a lot of money. A one bedroom house would be almost double the rent we were paying when we were already living paycheck to paycheck which is why we wanted to save for a while to get ahead of rent on a more expensive place. My sister also not poor or young she's a 30 year old hard working teacher who has plenty of savings but chose to live at home and didn't want to move out. So your quite frankly rude comments that my parents ended up with 'two pregnant daughters who can't afford to live independently' is neither correct nor appreciated.[/quote]
And I agree your MIL sounds deeply unpleasant, and you should move ahead with your life and not pander to her. And I understand expensive rent. I lived in London for years and paid appalling amounts of rent in flatshares. The fact remains that you chose to have a child in an economic situation where you couldn't bring up a child in the houseshare you were living in or afford to live independently, and that fact set off all the other train of events which put you at the mercy of your DS and her boyfriend laying down the law in your parents' house, your parents' decision to ask you to leave, and then your MIL's frankly batshit behaviour.

I will admit I find it baffling that an adult woman with a teacher's salary who has presumably been living independently would then change tack, move her brand new boyfriend into her parents' house and get pregnant, but it's not rude to say that you should focus less on dysfunctional family relationships and problems than on making sure you can you stand on your own feet economically in future so you are never in these people's power again.

RainbowBridge21 · 02/02/2022 13:06

How could you afford to buy a caravan and renovate it but not deposit on a flat? Confused. I feel like there is more to this story. But sounds stressful.

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 13:18

Yes I 'decided to go ahead with having an unplanned baby' I'm not going to abort a beautiful life because my room isn't big enough? That is not something I would ever consider and I quite frankly think it's abhorrent and I feel sorry for anyone who would make that decision because their room is too small. And this post was started to ask if I was unreasonable for not wanting to see MIL again not to get your opinion on whether I should have started a family or not or what you think of the state of my finances. You obviously have never been in a situation where you weren't financially stable but not all of us can wake up one day and say ' oh I want to have this baby I think I'll move to a bigger house'. Maybe that's how life is for you but for many of us you do what you can and for me that was taking an opportunity to save. Living with family especially with partners is never ideal but we thought it would be great for us having support with our first baby and allow us to save. It didn't work but I still wouldn't change it because I have my beautiful daughter.

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 02/02/2022 13:25

You have to ask??

She's clearly batshit crazy & absolutely no loss to you & your daughter (as are the rest of the family if they believe her over you)
but you & your husband are definitely doormats for putting up with all her shit!

And the caravan? Why would you spend (& lose) all that money if your FIL was willing to help you out? You could have gone to him in the 1st place & avoided all the MIL drama.

And why did your mum allow your sister & her boyfriend to bully you, your husband & baby out of her house to begin with??

Guineapigssweak · 02/02/2022 13:36

I sincerely hope everything works out for you OP from now on. You sound lovely x

GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 13:51

@RainbowBridge21

How could you afford to buy a caravan and renovate it but not deposit on a flat? Confused. I feel like there is more to this story. But sounds stressful.
The caravan and renovation money was a little over 2000€. This wasn't even enough to cover a deposit and first month's rent. We needed to get ahead of rent by saving.
OP posts:
2Gen · 02/02/2022 13:54

YA DEFINTELY NBU OP, that sounds horrendous and I'm sorry ye were put through it. Your MIL sounds like a thunder and lightning bitch. Cut her off for good!
Are ye in Ireland? If so, are ye on the local Council's Housing List? You have to be in order to be eligible for Rent Allowance even if you're renting privately and if you're DP is not working or is ever between jobs, ye'll need to be able to claim Rent Allowance, so make sure ye have that safety net in order to avoid being in need of being put up by anyone else again.
I think your own family have been too harsh with ye as well and I can't fathom how your sister's BF was deemed to have the right to give orders to your DP. I think ye have both been a bit too selfless and accommodating and now ye both need to put each other and your DD first . Be very careful who ye let into your lives or get entangled with from now on. I know it's easier said than done when you're in desperate straits- I've been there myself- but I've learnt that you have to be careful with people, because even family can turn out to be more like enemies than friends. All the best to ye, cut her out and enjoy the fresher air!

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 02/02/2022 14:06

Wow this all sounds like hard work

safeharbour · 02/02/2022 14:07

@Mellowyellow222

I agree it does seem incredible bad luck that you lived in with with two families - you were model house guests yet both times you were kicked out.

There does come a time when multi generations living in what I assume were fairly cramped conditions becomes unworkable - your poor parents, two children moving in with boyfriends and babies. My parents can barely cope with us all staying at Christmas😂.

You know your mother in law would be difficult - so moving in with a new baby was a huge mistake. You did it to save money - but really expecting her to support you (which like it or not she was doing by giving you a home) with her track record wasn’t the smartest move.

I agree with all the advice here - build your own life don’t rely on parents to support you and your family. It’s a tough lesson - and sorry it was so stressful.

^^ I totally agree with this very sensible post. Life is not easy with a baby and lots of family stress but I'm afraid that these problems arise out of having to depend on others. However much you do for them, you are not really in a very good position to complain when you are living in someone else's home. Things will improve immeasurably as you gain more financial independence and autonomy.
2Gen · 02/02/2022 14:36

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

You need to sort out your own accommodation/house.

Stop relying on everyone else then slagging them off.

If you'd ever been in a similar position to the OP, I would like to think you'd take a more compassionate view. I have! I know what it's like to be on the bones of your arse with a small baby and in need of help. I think that if someone you love needs help, and you're in the position to give it, you'd give it with a glad and open heart, so long as their need was genuine and they were just looking for a hand up to enable them to stand on their own 2 feet, as both the OP and I were. Thanks be to God my own parents , despite being angry and disappointed with me, still loved me enough to put me and my DS up for a while, despite the difficulties, until I got our own place. I would do the same for my DS with a heart and a half, because I love him. I would be encouraging him to be independent at the same time; helping someone who has fallen on hard times up onto their feet is NOT the same thing as carrying them on your back because they can't be bothered to walk! The OP and her little family have their own place now anyway so they are certainly not expecting anyone to carry them and neither am I!
2Gen · 02/02/2022 14:47

This reply has been deleted

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Onthefloor2 · 02/02/2022 14:51

Well, now you know how your husband felt growing up, no wonder he left at 16.

You don’t need that much drama in your lives…..move on.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 02/02/2022 14:56

@Huntswomanonthemove

Oh goody, another MIL thread! We haven't had one of these for at least half an hour.
They are my favourite threads (obviously unless it is a real problem causing harm), but the sheer madness of the stories are very entertaining!
GirlMama1 · 02/02/2022 14:56

@2Gen thank you for your words. I felt a bit silly when the comments started coming in. I only wanted to know AIBU for not wanting to see MIL again but unfortunately a lot of comments came in questioning my choice to have a child and criticising my finances. God bless Smile

OP posts: