To think this behaviour is a bit weird

[christmaslights4]

I may be thinking way too much into this, but my dd 14 had a badminton coach who from what dd says seems nice enough, but she has come home telling me some slightly odd things he has said to her. He's said she had a 'nice and petite body' and often talks about her frame in general. He has also asked her to get in the car with him after a coaching session so she 'wouldn't be cold'. He also gives her his jumper/coat if she's cold whenever they're outside. I'm hoping this is completely normal but i just wanted to get all of your opinions on this as i want to make sure it's not a bit weird.

Absolutely inappropriate. Why is he commenting on her frame at all, let alone multiple times?

Fully qualified children’s coach here.

He knows that he should never be alone in a car with a child Let alone by his own invitation.

I would report your concerns to whoever runs the activity.

It seems like he is grooming her. There are lot of red flags here. I would talk to your DD and see how she feels about it all, have a conversation about grooming and boundaries.
At the same time report his comments and behavior.

It's not good, even if innocent- he should know better. I'd report him.

I would report this. Sounds like grooming.

Oh wow okay thank you for all your replies. I was expecting to be told I was being a bit dramatic. I will definitely be have a proper talk with dd about this and talking to the club she goes to about his behaviour. To answer your questions and give some context, she has a one to one session with him and a group session with him, i do always make sure she's wearing a jumper but even with many layers she gets very cold so she says he can see her shivering and gives her his coat/jumper. She's been at the club for years and years and they have always been very good and trustworthy so this is unexpected behaviour as this specific coach is family of all the other coaches. The car incident was that she was waiting nearby just outside the club, waiting for me to pick her up, and he drove past and told her to get in so she wasn't cold. I have just asked her about the 'nice and petite' comment and she said that he was saying she could run round the court quickly as she was nice and petite. I feel so guilty now not immediately thinking these were big red flags, i just wasn't sure what to think, thank you all for helping me.

@Kanaloa

Why do you hope this is normal? Perhaps you should seek some real life counsel because I’ve never met a parent who would hope this behaviour was totally normal and consult a parenting forum to justify it.

Why shame op for taking a first step and airing her first thoughts? It is, as you say, a parenting forum after all.

If there was a single most important piece of advice I could give to teenage girls it would be 'trust your instincts'.

If your daughter is mentioning this to you then she may well have noticed something strange.

If her instincts were wrong, and it makes you both more cautious around this man then it is still brilliant to encourage her to communicate openly, to let her know that you are listening to her and to support her in having boundaries.

But if her instincts were right and she has noticed that he is one of a large number of predatory men then you being more cautious could dramatically change her life for the better.

You are definitely NOT overthinking this. This sounds creepy and wrong and I would never leave my child alone with this man.

Report and ask to see a copy of his DBS check. If the club aren’t forthcoming please log it with the police and consider a Sarah’s Law request.

I work with young people. This is seriously dangerous territory. I think your daughter feels uncomfortable and is looking to you for reassurance / to protect her. Please keep her safe. Better to err on the side of caution now than live with BIG regrets. Don't worry about overreacting as even at this stage, making comments about a young person's body is already too far. He should not be doing that. Probably grooming her.

Any professional should have been taught about acceptable conduct. If it’s a friend and it’s cold- sure offer them to sit in your car. If it’s a underage student- don’t.

@christmaslights4 is this in Norfolk by any chance?

Hi OP, I just want to add something else. There was a man who was involved with my school when I was young in a professional capacity but not a teacher. One time I was at the shops with my friend and we bumped into him. He knew her parents and was talking to her about some dinner dance they were going to (we were v young). I thought at the time it was so weird how much he was talking to her about it. Turned out he was a paedophile. He didn't say anything overtly sexual but the way he was chatting to her about going to this dance was just ott. So def trust your instincts!!!!!

Adding to the 'hell no'. Over the line in so many areas personal comments, the shivering thing is quite controlling as she's old enough to say she's cold and this is like he's watching/ anticipating and insinuating himself as caring somehow. When I did instruction for a sport if I noticed it was very cold or a child said they were I'd have gone for a more moving around or literally a lap of the hall.

The car. .... So not on. You stand in solidarity with a child in your charge.

@Abouttoblow

Even if it is completely innocent, an adult working with children and/or young people should know it's inappropriate and unprofessional.

^

Even if there aren’t any nefarious intentions, the lack of awareness or care about basic safeguarding is a huge red flag in itself, especially in a coach who should have had safeguarding training!

We should all be considering why we have been taught to prioritise the feelings of an adult man who should know better over a vulnerable teenage girl. Always listen to the person who is vulnerable.

At worst this man will be told it's wrong to comment on young girl's bodies and give them his clothing to wear. Frankly that's a lesson he needs to learn.

And at best you could be saving any number of young girls from a predator.

Nope nope nope. Get her away from him.

[quote Justonedayatatime11]@christmaslights4 is this in Norfolk by any chance? [/quote]
no sorry, kent

He's abusing his position and your DD is potentially at huge risk.
Don't take her back there.

@christmaslights4

Oh wow okay thank you for all your replies. I was expecting to be told I was being a bit dramatic. I will definitely be have a proper talk with dd about this and talking to the club she goes to about his behaviour. To answer your questions and give some context, she has a one to one session with him and a group session with him, i do always make sure she's wearing a jumper but even with many layers she gets very cold so she says he can see her shivering and gives her his coat/jumper. She's been at the club for years and years and they have always been very good and trustworthy so this is unexpected behaviour as this specific coach is family of all the other coaches. The car incident was that she was waiting nearby just outside the club, waiting for me to pick her up, and he drove past and told her to get in so she wasn't cold. I have just asked her about the 'nice and petite' comment and she said that he was saying she could run round the court quickly as she was nice and petite. I feel so guilty now not immediately thinking these were big red flags, i just wasn't sure what to think, thank you all for helping me.

There at a lot of factors to pick apart here.

However, one thing that’s important to point out is that family connections are often the most dangerous ones. People in your family or connected to your family are often the most likely to harm your children because you trust them.

In a setting like that people who are family/related to the other staff/coaches are the most likely to get away with nefarious behaviour because their family trust them.

Please do be careful how you approach this with your DD and the club. You absolutely need to do both, but you need to do it in a way that doesn’t lead to your DD feeling like she can’t open up to you and in a way that means she can’t be put under any pressure or at risk from this man. So before you do talk to her you really need to make your plan - which should, imo, involve her never returning to his lessons.

At best he’s clueless about safeguarding which means, if he is just stupid rather than dangerous, he’s likely clueless about the behaviour of other coaches. Which is a danger in and of itself.

@christmaslights4 No need to feel guilty! You've heard some things from your daughter; you aren't quite sure about them; but they do worry you; so you've trusted yourself; and asked the good folks of Mumsnet for a reality check. This is all very well done!

@Wigglegiggle0520

Report and ask to see a copy of his DBS check. If the club aren’t forthcoming please log it with the police and consider a Sarah’s Law request.

You cant ask to see his DBS.