Hello
I am looking for some advice.. If I am being unreasonable please be completely honest as I can't stop thinking about this.
So for reference, I met a lovely man 4 months ago who came out of a 2 year relationship 6 months ago - so only 2 months before meetings me. I thought this was very soon to be with someone but who am I to judge... I just wanted to go on a date and was not look too much into it.
Me and this man met and hit it off instantly... he is funny, lovely, charming and warm - there was a definite spark and a real connection on both parts.
He then told me that his ex lived a few doors down... I wasn't too happy with that but apart from move away, what can he really do?
They hadnt been in touch since their break up until 2 weeks ago. They still have some of their stuff at each others houses and he messaged her to come get it (he said he would do this to me a while back, as I was started moving some stuff in). While collecting some of her stuff, they both had a cup of tea and agreed that it would be nice to stay friends and to continue working on some of their projects together (building bikes), he then agreed to dog sit in the summer for her (not his dog). It was left like that they havent messaged since... but he never told me about this meeting.
I stupidly went snooping through his phone... saw nothing incriminating and thought I would look at his conversation with his best friend (I dont know why!!). In this chat, he was speaking about his mental health and said it is the worst it has been in a while (which I have been aware of, he is still recovering from his controlling ex wife behaviour as she keeps withholding access to their kids and he has spent a fortune fighting to see them, he also suffered an attack when he was younger and often suffers from anxiety attacks from this. This is all legit, he has showed me all his counselling work, court information and occupation health report in work). He then told his friend that he met with his ex, was still in love with her and was going to break up with me. His friend told him to phone him to speak about this as he was being very stupid. I then confronted him about this and was very upset.
He apologised profundly and said he didnt know what he was thinking and that he wants to be with me. He admited that he felt confused after meeting her but said he just misses having a friend and he knows that she is no good for him romantically, and he wants to be with me. He said it was a moment of madness, he shouldn't have said it but he was chatting about his thoughts to his best friend and he said he hasnt been thinking clearly or straight recently.
Prior to his ex, he was in an abusive marriage where he was controlled (this isnt made up), his wife checked through everything and cut off all his friends (I know this is true as he doesnt have any, he literally sits in the house all day). We have spoke about the ex situation alot and I said he was to never speak to her again. The next day he said he feels conflicted because he wants to be with me but doesn't want someone to control him again. He said they will never be best friends but they did spend a lot of money on bike stuff so he would like to work on that together. I told him I would break up with him if he done this. He then said he felt sad, stressed and anxious because he felt uncomfortable having to tell someone that he doesn't ever want to talk to them ever again. He said I have to trust him and that he wants to be with me, not her. He also said that he feels hurt that I couldnt talk to him and went snoop on his phone instead.
I then argued with him for days and said he wasnt to work on the project together (there isnt a date planned, they havent been in touch) and forbidden him to look after her dog in the summer. He said he didn't see the problem with either and that he didn't know what to do. In the meantime he texted her and said come get the rest of your stuff as he has gathered it all up. She has yet to respond, so I told him to dump it on her drive. He said that would be a really nasty thing to do. He said it isnt about his ex, its the fact I am being like this about someone in generally, he doesnt want to be controlled again and said he wants to build his friendship group as he feels lonely and sad.
He has asked for a week to catch up with work, tidy his home and get in a better place mentally. I have bombarded him with messages/calls asking if he wants to end things . He has assured me this isnt the case and needs to work on himself this week and be in a better place mentally.
AIBU?