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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed re BF

51 replies

JenniferWorld · 01/02/2022 14:22

Hello

I am looking for some advice.. If I am being unreasonable please be completely honest as I can't stop thinking about this.

So for reference, I met a lovely man 4 months ago who came out of a 2 year relationship 6 months ago - so only 2 months before meetings me. I thought this was very soon to be with someone but who am I to judge... I just wanted to go on a date and was not look too much into it.

Me and this man met and hit it off instantly... he is funny, lovely, charming and warm - there was a definite spark and a real connection on both parts.

He then told me that his ex lived a few doors down... I wasn't too happy with that but apart from move away, what can he really do?

They hadnt been in touch since their break up until 2 weeks ago. They still have some of their stuff at each others houses and he messaged her to come get it (he said he would do this to me a while back, as I was started moving some stuff in). While collecting some of her stuff, they both had a cup of tea and agreed that it would be nice to stay friends and to continue working on some of their projects together (building bikes), he then agreed to dog sit in the summer for her (not his dog). It was left like that they havent messaged since... but he never told me about this meeting.

I stupidly went snooping through his phone... saw nothing incriminating and thought I would look at his conversation with his best friend (I dont know why!!). In this chat, he was speaking about his mental health and said it is the worst it has been in a while (which I have been aware of, he is still recovering from his controlling ex wife behaviour as she keeps withholding access to their kids and he has spent a fortune fighting to see them, he also suffered an attack when he was younger and often suffers from anxiety attacks from this. This is all legit, he has showed me all his counselling work, court information and occupation health report in work). He then told his friend that he met with his ex, was still in love with her and was going to break up with me. His friend told him to phone him to speak about this as he was being very stupid. I then confronted him about this and was very upset.

He apologised profundly and said he didnt know what he was thinking and that he wants to be with me. He admited that he felt confused after meeting her but said he just misses having a friend and he knows that she is no good for him romantically, and he wants to be with me. He said it was a moment of madness, he shouldn't have said it but he was chatting about his thoughts to his best friend and he said he hasnt been thinking clearly or straight recently.

Prior to his ex, he was in an abusive marriage where he was controlled (this isnt made up), his wife checked through everything and cut off all his friends (I know this is true as he doesnt have any, he literally sits in the house all day). We have spoke about the ex situation alot and I said he was to never speak to her again. The next day he said he feels conflicted because he wants to be with me but doesn't want someone to control him again. He said they will never be best friends but they did spend a lot of money on bike stuff so he would like to work on that together. I told him I would break up with him if he done this. He then said he felt sad, stressed and anxious because he felt uncomfortable having to tell someone that he doesn't ever want to talk to them ever again. He said I have to trust him and that he wants to be with me, not her. He also said that he feels hurt that I couldnt talk to him and went snoop on his phone instead.

I then argued with him for days and said he wasnt to work on the project together (there isnt a date planned, they havent been in touch) and forbidden him to look after her dog in the summer. He said he didn't see the problem with either and that he didn't know what to do. In the meantime he texted her and said come get the rest of your stuff as he has gathered it all up. She has yet to respond, so I told him to dump it on her drive. He said that would be a really nasty thing to do. He said it isnt about his ex, its the fact I am being like this about someone in generally, he doesnt want to be controlled again and said he wants to build his friendship group as he feels lonely and sad.

He has asked for a week to catch up with work, tidy his home and get in a better place mentally. I have bombarded him with messages/calls asking if he wants to end things . He has assured me this isnt the case and needs to work on himself this week and be in a better place mentally.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

JenniferWorld · 01/02/2022 14:56

They are awful. I thought he was being the mean one until I started reading these comments. I have major trust issues, I didnt mean any of this

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 01/02/2022 15:00

But she was only telling him to be a bitch to the ex because she saw the text to his friend ( massive invasion of privacy oh and apparently he doesn’t have any friends) saying he wanted back with her!!!!! Lots of holes in this story and hopefully it’s a reverse and op will run!

FelicityPike · 01/02/2022 15:02

@Dishwashersaurous

You need to walk away now. And spend some serious time getting to understand yourself and what normal boundaries are.

Then in a year time you could maybe contact him again.

But you need to be single

I think @Dishwashersaurous has it bang on here.

Throckmorton · 01/02/2022 15:03

I don't think you can or should salvage this relationship. Let it go and get some counseling to deal with your trust issues.

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 01/02/2022 15:03

I think you need to prepare yourself for him breaking up with you and please stop bombarding him with messages. He says he doesn't want to be controlled again and you're being very controlling even though it's still a new relationship.

NameChangeCity123 · 01/02/2022 15:06

@JohannSebastianBach

Just split up.

This 👆🏻

strawberrymilk7 · 01/02/2022 15:09

You are trying to control him, even if you have been hurt in the past that is no excuse. If you have no trust, you have no relationship. Also him saying he is still in love with the ex.

I really don't think ye are suited. It's very messy

purpleboy · 01/02/2022 15:10

I'm sure these responses are coming as a shock to you op, try not to take it too personally.
The behaviour your displaying is exactly like his ex's, you have no right at any point in a relationship to dictate to him who he can see, talk to or what he can do with his time.
But you do get to choose if you can deal with him having his ex in his life, if the answer is no that's fine, entirely your right, end it and move on, if the answer is yes then you need to respect his choices and not dictate to him.
Turn it around how would you feel if he told you, you can't see certain people or do certain things? It's not healthy for either of you.
I presume it comes from a place of jealousy on your part and TBF after reading those messages I can understand why you feel the way you do, but it's a horrible emotion to hold onto.
Do a bit of soul searching, understand your boundaries and go from there.
Best of luck.

Wishingwell2022 · 01/02/2022 15:24

Is this a joke?
He’s been in controlling relationships and you’re now trying to control him, snooping on his phone, telling him who he can and can’t be friends with, forbidding him to do things, but he’s the problem?! That’s never okay, but after 4 months! And you’re moving your stuff in too?!
If he’s got any sense he’ll dump you and be on his own for a long time.
If not, then you need to back off and let the guy breathe!
You are exactly like the controlling ex, and if you can’t see that then that’s also a problem.

ChargingBuck · 01/02/2022 15:25

So you start dating a man who isn't over his ex, then find out he also isn't over his controlling wife ... (or is that the same woman, it was hard to make out - am I being a bit thick?).

4 months in, you find concrete evidence that he is an emotional wreck who is simply not in any way ready to sustain a new relationship. Face the facts OP - he can't even handle his ex relationships, how could he possibly be in a frame of mind to navigate a new one?

I'm gonna skate quickly past the appalling intrusion into his phone & put it down to the trust issues you reference as resulting from your own previous relationship. But not until advising you to get help for this problem instead of expecting to use it as a justification for mistrust, snooping, & endeavouring to control your b/f into a co-dependent acceptance of your snooping & batshit demands insecurity.

You have known this man for 4 months, & reckon it's ok to demand all that from him? You are developing serious control issues. You do not want (or need) to be that person. Instead of trying to manage him - manage yourself.
Get out of this relationship with him & into one with yourself. Spend the energy you expend going through phones & issuing orders elsewhere - on counselling to get to the root of the damage your previous relationship did you.

Can you see how seriously out of order that is, & that until you accept that it is OTT & access therapy to deal with it, that you will be making yourself unhappy like this with every man you ever date?
It may even spill over into other relationships - friends, colleagues ... so nip it in the bud before it makes you seriously unhappy.

Initially, I was just going to say RED FLAG & DUMP HIM.
Because he is a minefield of unexploded bombs & those bombs are going to go off in your face & cause you horrible damage.

As I said - he is NOT ready for a relationship.
BUT ... neither are you.

I have been very blunt OP & I am sorry that this was probably hard to read. But it is kindly meant: you are in a for a world of new pain if you keep pursuing this man. And why would being with him be worth more than you being with yourself, by finding an experienced relationship counsellor who can help you understand & manage the insecurity that is causing you so much pain?

LampLighter414 · 01/02/2022 15:32

Sounds like he needs some therapy, time to himself, expand his social circle and be happy before he starts looking for a relationship.

I hope he or you end things and let him do what's best for him

Inthesameboatatmo · 01/02/2022 15:38

I think you realise the way you acted is not okay but it's done now. Leave him alone and move on with your life. If his ex is the way he says she is but we all know when a man says that about his ex it's very rarely true.
But even if it is true you wouldn't want to be caught up in all that anyway.

MissNothing1991 · 01/02/2022 16:41

@Inthesameboatatmo

I think you realise the way you acted is not okay but it's done now. Leave him alone and move on with your life. If his ex is the way he says she is but we all know when a man says that about his ex it's very rarely true. But even if it is true you wouldn't want to be caught up in all that anyway.

What do you mean it's very rarely true? What sort of sexist remark is that?!? I know of many men abused by their partners, as many as women actually, myself included! Your comment is disgusting.

Inthesameboatatmo · 01/02/2022 17:32

How is my comment disgusting 😕 .

How many guys trot out the psycho ex bollocks when they start dating.

QueenoftheFarts · 01/02/2022 17:38

Leave the poor man. You are not good for him. Spend some time working in your need to control before you get into another relationship.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 01/02/2022 17:44

He's jumped into another controlling relationship poor bloke. It's really not ok to read people's phones.

MissNothing1991 · 01/02/2022 19:55

@Inthesameboatatmo

How is my comment disgusting 😕 .

How many guys trot out the psycho ex bollocks when they start dating.

And how many women do the same thing?

Ginger1982 · 01/02/2022 20:01

You don't get to forbid him from doing anything. Jeezo, you sound like an absinthe nightmare.

MissMaple82 · 01/02/2022 20:11

It's quite clear he doesn't really want to be with you. Move on

Giraffesandbottoms · 01/02/2022 20:12

He texted me yesterday saying I am not to worry and that we will be okay. He just needs to eliminate distractions and stress this week so he can concentrate on his work

I think it’s over. He’s probably exploring things with his ex. He ended things with her because she’s controlling, only to start a relationship with someone else who is controlling. Since he is emotionally conflicted and quite possibly still in love with her he probably thinks he may as well go back to her, since they have history and from his point of view/experience all women seem to be similarly controlling!

ButtockUp · 01/02/2022 20:17

Poor bloke has been in controlling relationships then you rock up and start to control him!!!
You've gone through his phone, you've told him what to do, you've given him ultimatums!

Do you not see what you're doing?

You've known him for four months...16 weeks and you're already moving your stuff in!!!!

My advice would not be to you but to your boyfriend which is 'run for the hills!'

T00Ts · 01/02/2022 20:21

You’ve already snooped his phone and he’s in love with his ex. There is literally nothing to save here. Walk away.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 01/02/2022 20:25

Too much and too messy, OP.

I don't know why you thought it was ok to start snooping into a new boyfriend's phone but regardless, you discovered he is not over his ex. Who lives a couple of doors down. Instead of saying 'sod this' and backing off, you tried to remedy this in a highly dysfunctional way by controlling who he can and cannot see, and bombarding him with messages.

I won't pile on but I will say that this will all do your trust issues no good. Just leave it, learn from it and try again when you're ready with someone less encumbered.

BuickMcKane · 01/02/2022 20:30

You've shown him you're exactly like his ex's. I hope he runs a mile.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 01/02/2022 20:34

I think you both need to be alone at work on yourself. You are not good for him I don’t think.

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