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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at wedding invite response or lack of

40 replies

Espressomartinilover · 01/02/2022 14:02

So I'm due to get married in 4 months time. I sent invites out in December just gone.
So 5 days ago I got a call from my mum to say my cousin won't be attending my wedding due to her going to a friend's wedding the day after mine.
Some context, they have had the invitation for over 6 weeks but hasn't replied yet to me. The message has come to me via 2 family members about her not attending.
She has not messaged me directly to explain anything to me and I'm supposed to get a note with her rsvp,.
I feel its rude of her to do this when she has had time to message me directly and explain the situation
AIBU thinking this is rude

OP posts:
traintraveller · 01/02/2022 14:06

When did you ask her to rsvp by? If she hasn't returned hers in time then yes it's a bit rude however if she still has time to rsvp declining then I don't see the problem.

Lochroy · 01/02/2022 14:09

Well if she hasn't replied yet but has mentioned it in passing to someone else (presumably your aunt/uncle who has then told your mum?) it's not her fault that you've found out that way.

Has she missed a deadline?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 01/02/2022 14:09

How did she receive the invite?

HedgehogintheFog · 01/02/2022 14:11

Has she missed the RSVP deadline? If so, yes, it is rude. If not, no, not rude, she has given family members a heads up ahead of you receiving her apology.

viques · 01/02/2022 14:13

Yes it is rude. But think of it positively, you are not going to have this rude person filling their face at your expense at your wedding. Use the space for someone who likes you and who you like.

burnoutbabe · 01/02/2022 14:13

I'd probably tell my mum first if I could not attend who would probably then tell her sibling when next chatting etc.

And that would all be way before I sent back an rsvp.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/02/2022 14:43

Whe is the rsvp deadline?

Original poster
Espressomartinilover · 01/02/2022 14:47

I've asked for rsvp's by beginning of March so still time to reply.
The message has presumably gone via her mum (my aunt) to our grandma, then to my parents.
I understand her informing her mum/my aunt about it and discussing it with her but then the message has since come to me. It's almost like Chinese wispers.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/02/2022 14:47

Is it an invitation or a summons?

She can’t come. I don’t see why it matters how you found out.

It’s not rude. People have their own lives.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 01/02/2022 14:48

And you just said she had a whole month until the deadline.

Thethreecs · 01/02/2022 14:51

She still has a month to reply.

It could be that she was talking to these people and just happened to mention it, rather than seeking them out to inform them of her decision.

Dishwashersaurous · 01/02/2022 14:51

So she has a month to do the formal rsvp.

And in family discussions it has come up that she won't be attending.

Grandma- oh won't it be lovely to see everyone at the wedding.

Cousin - oh actually granny I won't be able to go as I've already accepted another wedding on the same day.

Granny- oh that's a shame. (Thinks, must tell mum of wedding person)

londonrach · 01/02/2022 14:51

You a month before the deadline...I suspect her mum jumped the gun and she respond nearer the deadline. Yabu re the wedding invitation..it's just an invitation

babyjellyfish · 01/02/2022 14:57

I understand your irritation.

However, I will raise you, my dad telling me the day before my wedding that my cousin who has previously RSVP'ed yes was no longer coming. His parents (who did attend), have never mentioned it to me.

We confirmed final numbers for the catering three days before the wedding, so his meal went to waste.

Oh, and on the other side of the family, my aunt (who had ignored three emails saying "please let me know if you have any dietary requirements", including one sent just a week before the wedding), took it upon herself to intervene when the steak was served, head over to the table my cousins were seated at, grab hold of her son's plate, hail a waiter and tell him my cousin was a vegetarian and needed a vegetarian meal. Her son was 25 at the time and I'm pretty sure he is only a vegetarian when she is around, to annoy her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/02/2022 15:01

If you give people til the start of March then you can't get annoyed that she hasn't rsvpd yet!

tobedtoMN · 01/02/2022 15:02

Ok deep breath because - news flash - this is not worth getting upset over. Certainly not until you've received RSVP / spoken to her yourself.

maddy68 · 01/02/2022 15:03

So she hasn't replied yet with a month to go before the deadline?

babyjellyfish · 01/02/2022 15:04

@tobedtoMN

Ok deep breath because - news flash - this is not worth getting upset over. Certainly not until you've received RSVP / spoken to her yourself.
It is almost certainly not the worst behaviour the OP will experience from one of her invitees.
titchy · 01/02/2022 15:05

How is it rude when there's still several weeks to go before your deadline? Is she supposed to not mention either wedding to anyone in conversation until your deadline has passed and she has managed to get to the card shop to buy a card and post it?

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 01/02/2022 15:07

Changed my vote to yabu when I saw she hadn't missed the deadline

CurbsideProphet · 01/02/2022 15:10

Yes it is rude to not RSVP and send messages via parents, especially if you're a grown adult who lives independently and is able to manage their own affairs. However do you think that your aunt has spoken to your mum without your cousin knowing. As in your cousin could be trying to work out a solution / polite decline and they've gegged in without her knowing?

My cousin didn't contact me to say he and his wife weren't coming to my wedding. My DM kept saying give him a bit more time 🙄 a fortnight before I just presumed they weren't coming. I only invited them to be polite as we're a small family, it was just the faff of not knowing how many meals we were paying for / table plan etc until the last minute.

girlmom21 · 01/02/2022 15:11

You haven't reached the RSVP date yet and she's going to give you a note with her RSVP - which she doesn't actually have to do. The whole point is to accept or decline. She's going to be courteous and explain to you why she's declining.

You're not close enough to have spoken to her in 4 months.

I don't understand the issue.

Gilly12345 · 01/02/2022 15:17

Has your cousin asked people to tell you?

Wait and see after RSVP deadline.

It is really her place to decline and she should pull up her big girls pants and do so.

Oh well if that is the case less people to pay for, winner winner chicken dinner.

Chely · 01/02/2022 15:23

No need to get your knickers in a twist, you been told it's s no, no need for a pretty card rsvp.

My dh's grandmother refused to rsvp to our wedding, kept asking after the deadline and still nothing. She didn't want to come and was being a complete arse about it to piss me off.

Lochroy · 01/02/2022 15:26

So what has she actually done that you feel is rude? She's not the one playing Chinese whispers. If anything, be annoyed at the lack of tact from your other relatives, but TBH, I wouldn't waste your energy.