To be annoyed at wedding invite response or lack of

[Espressomartinilover]

So I'm due to get married in 4 months time. I sent invites out in December just gone.
So 5 days ago I got a call from my mum to say my cousin won't be attending my wedding due to her going to a friend's wedding the day after mine.
Some context, they have had the invitation for over 6 weeks but hasn't replied yet to me. The message has come to me via 2 family members about her not attending.
She has not messaged me directly to explain anything to me and I'm supposed to get a note with her rsvp,.
I feel its rude of her to do this when she has had time to message me directly and explain the situation
AIBU thinking this is rude

Isn't this how families work? Tbf if one of my adult kids couldn't go to a cousins wedding, they would tell me and I would tell my sister/brother /inlaws asap so they knew and it didn't get forgotten. You know a month before you needed, job done.
If you are passed off because she isn't coming that's a different thing.

@Nosnogginginthekitchen

Changed my vote to yabu when I saw she hadn't missed the deadline

Same, you’re being daft.

I'm surprised that lots of people think yanbu. Your cousin still has several weeks to go before the. RSVP deadline.

Going against the grain here but I think YANBU.

Yes they haven't RSVP'ed yet, but if they know they can't go it would have been nicer for them to have told you first instead of you hearing second-hand. Why couldn't she have just told you directly if she knows she can't go, she doesn't have to wait until the very last date of the RSVP.

I had a similar thing where my cousin never even RSVP'ed to my wedding, I just heard through my Aunty who told my Mum that they couldn't go. When it was her wedding the next year she soon realised how annoying it is when I decided to take my time RSVPing to her wedding.

Unless you're generally very close, I think you're being unreasonable. You know she isn't coming, that's all you need to know. It really doesn't matter that you didn't get a personal hand written note explaining why.

She hasn't missed the deadline so there's no issue imo.

I had a friend get mad at me last year because in her eyes I was "late" with my RSVP even though I sent it a week and a half before her RSVP deadline. I don't think people should set deadlines if they don't really mean it!

So there's still a month to go to rsvp but you're annoyed she's late.

Having read the replies , i don't expect a reply until the rsvp deadline at the latest, that's why I'm waiting for her reply which could be up until that date, which is fine.
Maybe she is unaware that it has already been passed on, or maybe it wasn't meant to reach me until she had told be directly,.
I know you don't have to go to a family members wedding but the reason her been unable to attend is due to a friends wedding the following day.
I know other family members are not impressed, but I will await her reply which could be up until the rsvp date

Sounds like she mentioned that she can't go.

And now your whole family are gossiping and cross with her.

She had done nothing wrong at all.

If she doesn't formally RSVP then that is rude

@Espressomartinilover

Having read the replies , i don't expect a reply until the rsvp deadline at the latest, that's why I'm waiting for her reply which could be up until that date, which is fine. Maybe she is unaware that it has already been passed on, or maybe it wasn't meant to reach me until she had told be directly,. I know you don't have to go to a family members wedding but the reason her been unable to attend is due to a friends wedding the following day. I know other family members are not impressed, but I will await her reply which could be up until the rsvp date

It's none of anybody else's business.

And for what it's worth, I too would prioritise the wedding of a friend I was close to over that of a cousin I wasn't close to. I think most people would.

My cousin didn't come to my wedding because it clashed with a friend's stag do. I minded far less about that than I did about his brother dropping out the day before.

Hang on a mo, if you're unimpressed because she's choosing a friend's wedding over your own that's a completely different AIBU about which we don't have enough info to comment.

She might be a cousin you see once every five years instead of a friend she's seen every week for twenty years. Context is important.

I would still like to know how she received the invite.....

Don't stress about it. She might still be in two minds about coming; she might think you're not expecting a reply until nearer your deadline date; she might know her mother has told you already, or she might just generally be a bit shit at admin.

If you're still concerned, you could just call her and ask. "Hey Cousin, how are you? I hear you may not be able to come to my wedding?..." At least then you'd know for definite.

@Lochroy

Hang on a mo, if you're unimpressed because she's choosing a friend's wedding over your own that's a completely different AIBU about which we don't have enough info to comment.

She might be a cousin you see once every five years instead of a friend she's seen every week for twenty years. Context is important.

This!

In my family I wouldn't even invite my cousins, not because they have done anything wrong but I haven't seen them in years! I probably wouldn't recognise half of them if I walked past them in the street. Do you see them regularly? Are you close?

OP sent the invites in December and thinking she might be waiting until March for an RSVP. Of course they're not close...