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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have felt irritated by this?

33 replies

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 10:14

In a LDR of some years duration. We live about 4 hours apart and see each other every 2-3 weeks for up to a week at a time, depending on work and other commitments. Both in our 40s.

Partner has chronic lower back pain, which he manages to an extent with medication and spending as little time standing as possible (if he stands for a couple of hours he will be in agony, for example). This is not my AIBU, but just to give some background. He's had the pain for 20ish years, medically all they can offer him is fusion but it's no guarantee it will stop the pain, he previously had other interventions which made things worse so he's not minded to try this. Exercise does help, but he's struggling to get into the right frame of mind to start.

I'm luckily pretty healthy, never had any long term or chronic pain so can't know how it feels though I try to be sympathetic.

However, when he was here last week I felt like a typical day almost tipped me over the edge...and I can't work out if that's a fair reaction or not.

So I start work (work from home, for an employer) around 8am. He also works mainly from home, but for himself, so sets his own hours etc. The day in question I start as mentioned around 8. Couple of calls then about 9.30-10 I make myself a hot drink and bring one to him. Have a few more drinks in the day and bring them to him while he's working.

I finish work around 6pm. He's finished about 4 and is watching TV/ gaming. He asks whats for dinner - I give a few suggestions but he's not taken by any of them. Eventually I decide as he won't choose, and put something in the oven, with timer set. He says he'll take it out when it's done. I don't ask him to prep any accompaniments but I thought he would - he doesn't. I go off and do a 1hr 15 exercise programme, when I come back he's basically not moved.

So I take food from oven, prep accompaniments, wash up etc, while still in my gym clothes whereas I'd rather have had a shower and left him to it.

AIBU to be annoyed by this or are my expectations unfair?

In the interests of balance I will say he does often cook meals and he is a good cook however he makes a real mess when doing so (I have to wipe down every surface, scrub cooker etc) and it requires a lot of input from me, I have to find all the ingredients for him as he can't see anything in my fridge, cupboards etc. I always do all washing up. And of course all other household chores although as it's not his house I don't expect him to hoover, dust, do laundry etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 10:48

I'm wondering what our life will look like when we eventually live together. I don't want to feel I'm run ragged half the time.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 01/02/2022 11:26

I voted YANBU because it sounds like his lack of effort around the house goes way beyond his back problems.

Could it be that he feels as he's technically a guest in your house, he shouldn't have to pitch in? Or is he just lazy/ a total misogynist and the back is an excuse? What does a typical day look like when you're at his house?

Either way, if you plan to live together you need to make your expectations very clear. You asked him to take the food out of the oven and he didn't even bother to do that, let alone get the meal ready when you'd had a much longer day than he did. He presumably has to fend for himself when he's on his own, after all. But if you live together, you should definitely get a cleaner and he needs to at least clean up after himself when he cooks. My father used to keep a bar stool in the kitchen to perch on while prepping food, maybe he could try that?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/02/2022 11:28

Why are you acting like his maid?

He is perfectly capable of cooking his own meal, or cooking for both of you.

You’re making a rod for your own back with this one.

MrPoppysParka · 01/02/2022 11:30

Have you posted about this before OP? You sound unhappy. You need to really think about this relationship.

FlickyCrumble · 01/02/2022 11:32

What’s the balance like when you stay at his home? My initial thought was that you will be his carer in old age as he can’t be bothered to exercise.

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 11:38

He does cook when we're at his house. It's a smaller kitchen so less room to make mess/ less clearing up. He does wash up there although typically we take it in turns. I think the difference is his housework standards are a lot lower than mine, he only hoovers once every few months, rarely dusts etc whereas I do all that much more often, and my place is bigger so there's more area to cover.

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 01/02/2022 11:39

@gigi2022

I'm wondering what our life will look like when we eventually live together. I don't want to feel I'm run ragged half the time.

I really wouldn't want to live with someone who behaves with such little consideration.

He's an adult - he shouldn't need prompting to at least offer to start dinner as he finished work much earlier than you - certainly before asking YOU what's for dinner, or to be proactive in looking after his own future help. Who will do this, if not him?

He also shouldn't be making so much extra work for you. After all, do you behave like this when you are at his home?

I would put moving in with him very much on the back burner and take a good look at what you would gain by giving up your own space for a shared home with him. 🌹

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 11:42

I'm generally happy in the relationship but I have felt irritated since he was here (he went home at the weekend) and just trying to work out why.

I think the exercise might be part of it, I got quite slothful last year so have made a commitment to myself to do an hours exercise a day (started on 1 Jan) - sometimes I just go for a walk, others it's a proper workout, but it's making me feel better overall. However with that and being very busy at work I do have less time currently and perhaps thats why this is getting to me more.

OP posts:

user1493494961 · 01/02/2022 11:44

How do you benefit from this relationship, I don't think I could be bothered with him.

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 11:51

He's intelligent, a great sounding board, he is really good and helpful at practical things (albeit he can really only manage an hour or so before he has to have a rest due to pain). He isn't bothered about the house being tidy or whatever - which is both a good and bad thing. Good because unlike a few Exes of mine he doesn't care if I don't hoover daily, but bad because it bothers him so little he'd never do it himself.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 01/02/2022 12:03

I could not sit round for 2 hours while my partner worked to then wait for him/her to cook. I think that’s fairly outrageous. This obviously needs sorting before/if you move in together.

SilverDragonfly1 · 01/02/2022 12:13

I think bringing him multiple drinks while you were also working has sent either a maid or a superwoman message- I bet that's not the only considerate thing you do for him automatically either.

mumofbun · 01/02/2022 12:14

It does sound irritating and the sort of thing i'd be annoyed with in the past. However, i've learnt that other people don't think the same as me and they're not mind readers. So, if i really want something to happen or be done, i ask.

Did he know there needed to be other food prepped while you did your exercise? Or did you know and assume he would? Have you asked him to do the dishes? It might be he doesn't see them as needing done yet as you say his standards are lower than yours.

In general i find differences in house hold cleaning is the no 1 thing that can cause rifts when living together. So if you don't try and find a happy compromise now then i don't think you will in the future!

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 13:21

I didn't specifically say do X or Y, but I probably expected him to do something, or at least check with me. I think I was most irritated by the fact nothing had been done at all.

I definitely find it's less of an issue at his place but maybe that's because I'm doing less there rather than that he's doing more. Hmm.

OP posts:

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 15:43

I am conflicted because part of me thinks well he is in pain, maybe I have to accept that he can't be as physically active as me or do as much around the house and I'll need to bear that in mind when we live together.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 15:48

What you see is what you get. You're the skivvy. I'd get shot of his so fast his head would spin.

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 16:55

I don't feel a skivvy as such, I'm sure that's not how he sees me.

OP posts:

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 19:55

I don't know - something feels off about how things are. I keep wondering how life will 'look' when we live together.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 22:20

@gigi2022

I don't know - something feels off about how things are. I keep wondering how life will 'look' when we live together.

Why are you doubting your instincts? Something feels off because it is. You should not move in with this man.

Ponoka7 · 01/02/2022 22:30

If you move in together you'll be doing the housework that it will take to keep things to your standard. It won't be shared. You need to discuss that with him before you live together. If you don't you'll probably get it thrown back at you that if you lived alone you'd be doing it all anyway. It doesn't sound like he is the type to share the load and as he ages he might be less able to.

Original poster

gigi2022 · 01/02/2022 22:48

I suppose because we've been together a long time, I don't think he's suddenly doing less so why am I feeling off about it now when I haven't before? That's what I can't quite get my head round.

We have talked about housework in the past, I am not an obsessive cleaner but I hoover 1-2 times a week, mop, dust etc. Clean bathrooms weekly. He cleans things when they look dirty. He has said to me he won't clean for the sake of it.

OP posts:

BlancheB · 01/02/2022 23:01

How many hours does he spend watching TV/gaming? That doesn't sound very healthy for his health issue.

I wouldn't be providing him with refreshments during the day nor would I cook or prepare his dinner and wash up if he was gaming. I'd rather live alone. Are you going to be his maid when you live together?

Rotherweird · 01/02/2022 23:12

I would NOT move in with somebody who says "I won't clean for the sake of it" i.e. I will wait until there is a black ring round the sink and huge drifts of dust in the corners. No way.

It would also hugely annoy me that he made no effort to help you with the dinner and washing up. The fact that he is not doing the exercise he needs to manage his pain would also bother me.

MountainDweller · 01/02/2022 23:17

I think he should make more effort. It sounds like he needs to manage his life better. I have chronic pain (back, hip and ankle) and both standing and sitting are difficult. Sitting is terrible for many with back pain so it could be that a bit of time in the kitchen instead of gaming might actually help him.

I'm really conscious that I can't contribute as much as DH. I only work a tiny amount but with daily life I pace myself so that I can manage things - so I will do half an hour's admin sitting down then get up and empty the dishwasher and make a cup of tea (including one for DH, who is mostly WFH). I can't stand for long enough to cook more than a very simple meal, so I split it up - 15 mins getting out ingredients and chopping, then sit down for a while. Make a sauce or whatever, sit down while it cooks. A roast is actually perfect because it needs small amounts of attention at different stages! If I have to go to physio or something tiring, I arrange to have something from the freezer that day - usually something I prepared earlier like cottage pie (I always cook double or triple) or fish cakes, occasionally a ready meal. I do the same with housework, eg dust one or two rooms at at time - though DH does do the heavy stuff like washing the floors and all but very light gardening. We used to have a cleaner but DH lost his job due to Covid so we had to let her go, and we haven't replaced her since he went back to work because we've found a way to manage (and accepted lower standards!).

Sitting there waiting for you to finish and then asking what's for dinner is not a sign that things are going to get better, sorry.

Arabellla · 01/02/2022 23:19

He sounds lazy, OP. Proceed with caution. This is what leaving with will be like, but worse.

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