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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel so let down??

41 replies

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 21:40

Long story short. I was in a very controlling abusive relationship with my sons dad until early last year. There was cheating, manipulating, verbal and physical abuse, gambling, prostitutes, drugs… basically any awful thing a person can do he did it.
My family (mum, stepdad and brother) were aware of all this and supported me throughout. At my worst point I broke down to my mum and brother. I told them at my most vulnerable point that I felt trapped. Like I couldn’t leave him as I’d been co-erced into having my ds (who, don’t get me wrong I love to the ends of the earth and wouldn’t be without). I told them I couldn’t be a single parent again, I’d have to give up my career I didn’t feel able to bring up another child on my own so I felt tied to this piece of shit for the foreseeable. They told me they would support me in any way they can. Practical things like getting ds to nursery in the mornings (as I worked unsociable shifts- nurse in nhs), so nursery opens at 7.30 am for example when my shift starts at 7.30 am. They said they would have ds between them when I worked long days or weekends. I NEVER asked for any of this nor expected it. How ever with their promises of support o found the strength to kick him out and focus on being a single mum. Fast forward almost a year following many disciplinary meetings and failure to turn up to my shifts I’ve now lost my job, my sons dad has nothing to do with him and I’m all alone. The promises to help lasted a few weeks. My brother sees ds a few times a month for an hour or so and my mum hasn’t seen or spoken to him since November. I just feel utterly let down. I feel if they hadn’t made these false promises, I’d be still living with a scumbag however it would have been entirely a co parenting thing and I’d have been able to continue my career etc. My son is obviously more important than any of that. I’m just left with nothing. No job, no co parent, no family really. I’m just fed up. Don’t know what I’m posting for I have nobody to speak to really

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HikingforScenery · 31/01/2022 21:43

Im so sorry to hear this OP. It must be so hard. Sadly the only person you can truly rely on is you. Can you not get a different role where you can start later and pick up your child later, etc? Can you go part time? Flowers

Nostrings457 · 31/01/2022 21:45

Oh OP - that sounds awful. I think regardless of losing your job, you ARE better off out of that relationship in the long term. Lots of community / 9-5 sociable hours for nurses. Worth keeping a look out and maybe try to do some bank or agency in the mean time to keep your hand in, it will stand you in good stead for interviews following a dismissal. You’re career doesn’t have to be over Flowers

Lolabray · 31/01/2022 21:50

Hiya lovey, I’ve been in the same boat as you

In fact I cried earlier on the phone to the counsellor as I recalled memories of this being the hardest time of my life and my parent did little to support.

Roll on twelve years and it’s been challenging but I think you have done the best thing leaving the scumbag.

I’d urge you to talk to someone for support maybe your doctor or referral to a counsellor.

Life does get better it is hard at first but try and find happiness each day.

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 21:53

@HikingforScenery thanks yes I’m coming to the realisation that I can only rely on myself. I did go part time after a few months however the shift pattern always means unsociable hours. I was having to leave work halfway through shiftsdue to nursery ringing saying nobody had come to collect ds. I’m just angry I guess as I feel my options have been completely taken away. Now my boy has nobody

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OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 21:56

@Nostrings457 oh I know (when thinking straight) I’m absolutely better off out of the relationship. No doubt about that. It’s just the feeling of being offered support to leave then “ok you’re on your own now”. I’m applying for community posts at the moment, the childcare will cripple me on a line income but I’ll get there thanks for replying

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OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 22:07

@Lolabray I’m sorry you’ve been through similar. Glad to hear it gets better though. I’m on a waiting list for counselling, the issues he has left me with are ridiculous.
Finding happiness each day is definitely something I subscribe to. Thanks for replying

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Pippa12 · 31/01/2022 22:10

Did you speak to HR about redeployment within your trust or get your union involved etc? It takes a long time to ‘sack’ somebody in the nhs- It’s such a shame you’ve lost your post, it will make applying for new roles difficult. Agency/bank work may suit your situation better.

As for your relationship you must be able to see your better off out of that, with or without support.

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 22:18

@Pippa12 yesHR we’re heavily involved and I was redeployed for some time. It wasn’t works problem tbh they were fantastically supportive, my manager was great, union representative was wonderful. The area I work (worked) in is specialised so little manoeuvre for flexible working; though they did accommodate for a long time. However there’s only so much that can be done and an employee who is having to leave shifts early/arriving late/ not turning up… it’s not their fault at all I was fully supported however the work setting requires commitment which I was ultimately unable to give.

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OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 22:31

It’s not really the work thing. I still have my PIN I knkw i can pick up (though having to explain my previous position) this when I can. It’s just I feel so let down being encouraged to leave this situation, being promised support now just abandoned really. I’ve never asked for help in any way from my family, they have always wanted to be involved in mine and my children’s lives. Now I’ve just been dumped and left to it. It’s just sole destroying tbh

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OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 22:47

I’m just looking for advice or support I guess from anyone who has left an awful relationship despite their own reservations, has been offered support then said supper hasn’t materialised. Or am I on my own here???

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maddening · 31/01/2022 23:03

There are other roles in the NHS which may be more suitable hours-wise, don't give up hope.

But yanbu to feel let down, but even though you have been let down you are still better off out of that relationship.

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 31/01/2022 23:06

@maddening I know I’m better off out of the relationship logically. It’s just the false promises that have gotten to me

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Nostrings457 · 31/01/2022 23:20

I think when in a crisis people will make all sorts of promises to see you through but then in reality, when the dust has settled, their life goes back to normal but you are the one still struggling on. It is a shame and I’m not surprised you feel let down. I have felt very iet down previously but in different circumstances.

Few options
A - discuss with Mum and brother / ask if they realise the impact their false promises have had
B - accept it for what it is and move on, carve out a new work / life routine that fits you as a single parent
C - feel bitter and resentful towards them and stop yourself fully moving on

Just to give you some hope, I was previously able to work 9-3 in a community setting role when childcare costs would have outweighed my wages. That does depend on flexible working and a good manager but it is doable

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2022 23:20

No advice op but it seems common in some situations- there are often posts from people who have been persuaded to move near to parents with promises of childcare help which never materialises and they would have been better off not moving.

I guess they possibly meant it in the moment but the reality of the daily drudge if childcare and pick ups was more than they were willing to give. It's absolutely shit that they didn't keep their promise when it had such serious consequences and YANBU to be terribly hurt that they let you down so badly. I dont think I'd be able to let go of something like that.

But, if you do manage to get another job thats more family friendly, I think although you might not be able to forgive them, you wont feel as much anger towards them

maddening · 31/01/2022 23:23

Totally get it op, it is shit.

But don't let focusing on that hold you back from forging your new life, it might take some mind over matter. You are really strong, you have left an abusive relationship, you are a mother and skilled professional woman, focus on that.

Gagagardener · 31/01/2022 23:32

I, too, would feel hurt and let down. Can you talk to the members of your family who promised support? It might help you to know why they failed to carry out their promises. (I am wondering whether they are just flakey, or whether the stress and difficulties in your life made you miss something in theirs; or perhaps you always looked as if you were coping...) For now, try to see the positive side of being free, enjoy your child, and look for career advice as well as counselling. That's what I'd say over a Wine or Cake..Flowers

nalabae · 31/01/2022 23:36

My friend dealing with the same thing but she has two

Iloveartichokes · 31/01/2022 23:46

Totally understand your feelings about partner, family and current situation.
Do you have a friend with a child of a similar age? Could you child mind for each other while you each work part time? With four children between us, a friend and I did this when ours were young. No money was exchanged. We were just fair about the time we gave each other.

Suzi9989 · 31/01/2022 23:50

Sorry it's shit. You need to arm yourself with people who will support you. Do you ask or offer help to your family too?

💐

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 01/02/2022 21:49

Thanks everyone. I guess I just need to accept it and move on. Yes I absolutely do help my family whenever anything is needed. I think that’s what I’m struggling with. We’ve always been supportive of each other. Until this happened and now we barely speak. I do t know, I guess maybe I am someone who comes across as coping well, maybe that’s been to my detriment as I’m acting really or coping all that well. Will just have to get on with it though I guess. I made my bed…

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Chickychoccyegg · 01/02/2022 21:59

If they're usually involved and supportive, what's changed?
The times the nursery called you to say dc hadn't been picked up, were they supposed to pick up? If so, I'd have very little to do with them going forward.
Is it possible to sit down with your family and discuss what support they feel able to commit to?
As a childminder, I look after several dc who's parents work for the NHS, and myself and other childminders can be really flexible with times, so that might be a childcare option?

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 22:02

It’s difficult but it sounds like they meant they would help until things had settled rather than indefinitely,
I’ve found a lot of people make promises they can’t keep.

OakRowan · 01/02/2022 22:05

Maybe try to see it as them helping you to get out of the abusive relationship, which is the most important thing, you and your child are safe. They did help you when you needed it most, but not for long. The impact it has had on your job is terrible and its a shame they haven't been able to keep supporting you, but perhaps it wasn't sustainable for either of them and they've not known how to talk about it, as in its no ones fault but a really difficult situation? You got out, you can work again in future. Be in touch with your family, you are understandly feeling vulnerable and isolated, but maybe the strength of feeling you have, about thinking they have abandoned you is all wrapped up in the trauma of what you've been through. They aren't him, they did help you, but it hasn't worked out as a permanent solution. Dunno, trying to say that maybe it isn't what you think, because you've been through so much and that will definitely affect how you react to other people for a long time. Have you had any outside support, Women's Aid, counselling, therapy, GP? Sometimes there's only so much families can do for each other. Can you spend time together at weekends, be a family without the childcare expectations while you recover?

OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 01/02/2022 22:05

@Chickychoccyegg I really don’t know what’s changed. That’s what I’m struggling to comprehend. I guess as it’s always been me helping them, since the shoe was (in theory) on the other foot, they have just realised this is something they are not willing to invest in so have completely backed off.
To be fair, the times nursery rang to say he hadn’t been picked up was a combination of things. I didn’t want to rely solely on my mum so had asked friends, ex’s family… all willing and able at the time however all let me and him down. On my family’s part it was things like car broke down, mums partner took unwell..
we did the whole sit down and talk about what they could do. It’s why I had the courage to end my relationship. It’s just all since then resulted in nothing. There’s very few childminders in my area but one I know who is able to take another child on in September so I’m thinking of holding out until then. Thanks for replying

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OneMoreNameChangeWontHurt · 01/02/2022 22:08

@RedCandyApple yeah I get that but it was literally a week after I started getting the calls saying nobody had come to collect my son from nursery. I don’t expect ongoing support whatsoever, he’s my son and it’s me who is responsible for him. But for people to lull you into a false sense of security then dump you straight after is what gets me

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