Confused - think I need to leave

peanuts18 · 2022-01-31T21:09:23+00:00

Feeling a bit scared atm. I found a lump of cannabis in the kitchen this morning and threw it away. I had told him many many times I don’t want drugs in the house (we have a 7yr old) He’s come in demanding where it is, in a panic I told him I threw it in outside bin cupboard (as I put his stuff there before when I find it) he’s pulled it all out and obviously can’t find it, shouting where is it and quizzing me on where exactly I put it etc. I’m scared he’ll go through the bin and find it. He’s always smoked it and drinks every day too, even though he promised to give it up when I was pregnant.

Nostrings457 · 31/01/2022 21:13

He won’t stop it unless HE wants to, no matter how much you tell him. The promises are just lip service.

Smoking cannabis and drinking daily - is this an environment you want your DC to grow up in?

Original poster

peanuts18 · 31/01/2022 21:16

I question myself a lot as everyone says what a nice guy he is - buys drinks, helps other people etc and when we argue it seems to turn around and I can’t even remember what I said and end up thinking is this my fault

OP posts:

DorothyZbornakIsAQueen · 31/01/2022 21:19

@peanuts18

I question myself a lot as everyone says what a nice guy he is - buys drinks, helps other people etc and when we argue it seems to turn around and I can’t even remember what I said and end up thinking is this my fault

That's called gaslighting. He does this to make you think you're the crazy one.

He's not going to change.

Take yourself and your child out of this environment, or your child will grow up thinking this is normal.

TillyTopper · 31/01/2022 21:21

Many people are very different behind closed doors compared to how they behave with others. Please don't doubt yourself. He's smoking drugs, you seem scared of his - and you have a child to look after. Please consider your future and what you want for your DC.

newnameforthis76 · 31/01/2022 21:21

@peanuts18

I question myself a lot as everyone says what a nice guy he is - buys drinks, helps other people etc and when we argue it seems to turn around and I can’t even remember what I said and end up thinking is this my fault

He’s not a nice guy if he leaves his drugs around the house when you have a child, drinks every day and gets angry with you and panics when you throw something out that he shouldn’t be keeping in the house anyway.

His reaction at his weed being thrown out and his inability not to drink for a single day suggests he’s an addict and isn’t going to stop unless he a) admits it and b) wants to. If neither of those things apply, I would leave.

Lolabray · 31/01/2022 21:22

Could do with some drug and alcohol support by the sounds of it.

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 21:26

Do you have somewhere to go ?

Original poster

peanuts18 · 31/01/2022 21:29

Thing is if anyone asked why have you left, I can’t remember the arguments/things he’s said etc and the more I try to or even write things down I can’t seem to be able to.
Also I hold a responsible job and more than not people come to me with their problems and ask my advise as I’m seen as a level headed/sting person

OP posts:

Original poster

peanuts18 · 31/01/2022 21:32

Not really, the house is mortgaged in joint names and most of the money in it was mine. I only work part time and my parents are elderly and would be horrified

OP posts:

Bobachox · 31/01/2022 21:33

Nope there’s no way I’d tolerate drugs in the house with children, it would be a total dealbreaker.

mumofone234 · 31/01/2022 21:36

You don't have to be able to justify it to anyone else or give examples - if the relationship isn't making you happy, that's enough reason to end it. You sound a bit scared of him OP?

nomorefrogs · 31/01/2022 21:37

You don't have to justify what he said to make you leave daily misuse of drugs and alcohol is a no brainer and everyone has a right to leave a relationship if there are unhappy or worried. Get out before he drags you down and your children think his behaviour is normal.

Frigginintheriggin · 31/01/2022 21:42

Thing is you don't HAVE to explain to anyone WHY you're breaking up.
You obviously feel the relationship as it is , is untenable for you and your child. It doesn't sound like your partner was ever serious about changing.
He sounds manipulative if you couldn't even have a conversation about the dope and felt you needed to lie about where you tossed it.
He is also wasting family resources on selfish stuff....
I wish you luck with your decision 💐

Greenmarmalade · 31/01/2022 21:44

You don’t need a reason. You don’t need to justify this to anyone.

He shouldn’t make you feel this way. You have every right to leave.

Original poster

peanuts18 · 31/01/2022 21:48

Thanks everyone I really need to try and get my head straight, I looked up gaslighting as someone mentioned it and I didn’t realise it was a thing. I’m going to try and talk to some helplines or something to get my self together

OP posts:

TherapistInATabard · 31/01/2022 21:59

I would report your own OP to mumsnet and ask for this to be moved to the Relationships board. Keep posting here as you remember things he’s done or said. Sometimes things that seem small to you can be huge red flags. Stop questioning yourself, and ask here for perspective.

If you put most of the money into the house purchase, have you made sure you’ll get the most out if you sell? Are you married?

Pudmyboy · 31/01/2022 22:05

@TillyTopper

Many people are very different behind closed doors compared to how they behave with others. Please don't doubt yourself. He's smoking drugs, you seem scared of his - and you have a child to look after. Please consider your future and what you want for your DC.

^This. He may well be 'nice' to others but that is not your experience of him, and your view and experience is the one that matters here.

Italiangreyhound · 31/01/2022 22:12

He doesn't sound nice. What do you get out of the relationship?

Do what is right fir you.if you want to go, you can leave. Don't worry about what your parents would think.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 31/01/2022 22:16

Drugs would be a total dealbreaker for me. Get your stuff in order and get out. Your life will be better without this hanging over your head everyday.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 31/01/2022 22:17

@peanuts18

Not really, the house is mortgaged in joint names and most of the money in it was mine. I only work part time and my parents are elderly and would be horrified

I’d wager your parents would be more horrified if they knew he was leaving drugs laying around in reach of your child.

tkwal · 31/01/2022 22:21

You need him to leave. Now

Kelly7889 · 31/01/2022 22:21

A Cannabis and alcohol problem are extremely expensive now. £10 a day for dope absolute minimum - more like £20 or £30 if it's flower, tobacco on top to burn it in, and his alcohol on top.
This will escalate.
I've been there. This is very common now. Something is happening to young men and the dope is so much more massively stronger than it was even 25 years ago.
You don't sound at all happy. Perhaps realistically your life could be better without him in it.

Ellowyn · 31/01/2022 22:22

He’s always smoked it

So you knew when you married him and married him anyway.
Btw; I live in a place where weed is legal and I really don't understand your concern about pot. It's pot, not fentanyl!

It's far less harmful than alcohol.

Redshoeblueshoe · 31/01/2022 22:26

I know you have said your parents are elderly, but they may be aware of what is happening. At the end of the day they will want what is best for you and your dc

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 31/01/2022 22:53

Drink and drugs around you and your kids...

There's a better life out there OP