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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ditch a long term friend

31 replies

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 15:55

My friend and I have known each other for about 15 years. In many ways we get on well. She is great fun and has generally been supportive, particularly emotionally.

There have always been things that I have found difficult though. She is a constant stealth boaster which I take with a pinch of salt but is annoying. She is very conscious of social status and constantly looking for ways to improve her own. This tends to involve running others down often with gossip that isn’t kind and making friends with the right people.

There are little digs at me. For example I was considering a career change and she was dismissive. She also told me not to move to a particular area as I just wouldn’t fit in there.

She also often shows a lack of respect for my feelings. She will ditch me at the last minute when a more exciting arrangement usually with a more interesting acquaintance comes up. She is also often hours late when we meet. She will arrange to meet mutual friends, tell me about it but make it clear that I am not invited.

Over the last couple of years I have tried to distance myself a bit but she doesn’t seem to get the hint. This is further complicated by there being a couple of mutual friends in the mix.

So my AIBU is should I focus on the good and ignore the rest or is it time to make the call? I’m just starting to think that life’s too short!

Is it worth trying to explain how I feel? I have once in the past but she just started to tell me defensively how her life was very difficult. I was just hoping for a simple sorry and acknowledgment of my feelings.

I should add that I have been very supportive towards her too, to the point that sometimes I’ve felt that I am being taken advantage of.

Thanks Mumsnet!

OP posts:
worriedmummyofboys · 31/01/2022 15:57

My first thought was to ditch. But then again as u have known each other so long I'm assuming she hasn't always been this way? If so then show her this post. Tell her exactly how u feel. See how she responds and if she is willing to change towards u give her a chance

DowntonCrabby · 31/01/2022 15:59

Life’s too short to give headspace and physical time to dickheads. You are worth more than that Flowers

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:01

Thanks for coming back and for your nice words. I think it's gradually become more of an issue as time has gone on. I'm not really sure why, perhaps I've started to notice more. I think if it wasn't such a long time it would be easier to break away.

OP posts:
Adm1010 · 31/01/2022 16:01

The hours late would be a deal breaker for me . Total lack of respect .

Also I find that people who gossip to you with nasty gossip about others are likely to be gossiping ABOUT you when you are not there
Life is to short for this

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:03

Downton lol that's what my DF says!!

OP posts:
penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:04

Adm thanks for this. It is extremely annoying at best

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 31/01/2022 16:06

Did you ask her what she meant when she told you you wouldn’t fit into that particular area? What do you say to her when she ditches you at the last minute or turns up hours late?

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:10

I didn't need to ask because I knew what she meant, that I'm just not middle class enough. I'm not good at anything vaguely confrontational. Often with the lateness she'll say she's coming to mine but will be ages. It's hard to know what to say as I'm just here working so it's not as if I really need to be anywhere. Again I find it hard to broach

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 31/01/2022 16:16

It doesn’t sound like voicing your opinion on the friendship would result in her treating you better. There doesn’t need to be a dramatic parting of the ways, just be unavailable when she next contacts you. Do it enough times and she will either get the message, or better still, may start to appreciate your company now that it’s unavailable.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 31/01/2022 16:16

@penelopequiche Ditch her she's not your friend, friends don't treat friends like that!

I've been in your shoes I ended an 11 year friendship because my "friend" was very spiteful, controlling and toxic over me. She eventually went too far and I blocked her on everything, she tried every trick in the book to get me to resume the friendship including trying to use a good friend of mine as her flying monkey which didn't work. I did confront her about her behaviour and it blew up in my face I got a tsunami of hatred from her and I realised she was unhinged and blocked her.

Don't confront her because she will blame it all on you just step back, don't reply to text's or calls and if you feel strong enough block her on everything and don't listen to the flying monkey's either no matter how much pressure you get if you give in she'll keep treating and making you feel like shit. She puts you down to make herself feel better thats why she shot you down when you wanted to change careers because she wants to keep you "in you place". Once you've removed yourself from this friendship you'll feel a hundred times better about yourself just like I did. Focus on building friendships where you aren't put down and used friends should build you up not put you down.

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:19

Poppyfleur your name is lovely! I've tried the unavailable thing but she's quite pushy so I just end up shifting things around. I need to try harder. We have a couple of mutual friends that we meet up with quite often too and I don't want to make things awkward for them. I think I need assertiveness training!

OP posts:
penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:21

Wicked that's such good advice and I think that's probably where I am in all honesty.

OP posts:
LostArcher · 31/01/2022 16:35

She is treating you like this because she can. So next time very late - be out or cleaning out the shed - something that means she is ignored - she doesn't get rewarded for shitty behaviour. The lateness would really piss me off.

She must have some good points? Perhaps if she starts gossiping shut it down with a firm 'well as xyz isn't here to defend themselves perhaps that is unfair' or a more obvious 'oh that is a bit mean - is everything ok with you, I hadn't pinned you as being that sort of person'
As we get older, we get less tollerant and, thankfully, less people pleasey. I stopped chasing a couple of friends when I realised they never returned calls unless they wanted someth8ng. Friendships do die a natural death sometimes as we and circumstances change. That is ok and it is ok to mourn what once was.
Up to you if you want to let it die out or start being more challenging with friend training methods.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 31/01/2022 16:38

@penelopequiche

Wicked that's such good advice and I think that's probably where I am in all honesty.
Penelope just quietly walk away confronting her will give her ammunition against you and give her the chance to play the victim and make you look bad a lesson I learned the hard way.

Once you're out of this friendship you'll start seeing her nasty behaviour with stunning clarity. Once I was away from my toxic friend I saw just how bad her behaviour was and my other friends all told me she was nasty to them when I wasn't around but it was so subtle they didn't feel they could call her out or say anything to me about it.

Block her and don't react to anything she does because she'll want a response from you and when she doesn't get one she'll lose her power over you.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2022 16:41

She definitely wants to keep you in your place, doesn't she? I agree with the others - she isn't a friend. She sees you as a rival in a race and she's putting her foot out to trip you up.

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:43

Thank you both. It's a big relief to talk it out. Ironically I'm not short of friends but find talking to people about this quite hard. Generally I'm fairly happy in life but I do get anxious about this sort of thing, I would probably be happier to move on really. I completely agree that we start to feel a bit more reluctant to put up with stuff as we get older and perhaps this is why I'm feeling the need to sort it

OP posts:
penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 16:45

Holllow seeing that written I think you're right

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 31/01/2022 16:48

She doesn’t sound great. I might not ditch, but I wouldn’t arrange to meet her again if she’s always hours late.

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 17:21

@WickedWitchOfTheEast87 advice is excellent.

Block and no longer respond and perhaps give group things with her a miss.

Focus on other friends.

Then after a while meet up with the others one on one or together, but simply do not include her.

If they ask why, simply say "I simply don't enjoy her company any more"and no more.

Completely avoid.

She sounds REALLY awful and you have been FAR TOO tolerant.

Any ONE of those things would have been enough to dump, you have multiple reasons.

You sound lovely.Flowers

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 31/01/2022 17:34

@billy1966 Thank you very much. Your advice is also excellent a good friend of mine gave me the same advice as yours when I reached my limit unfortunately I didn't listen to it right away and confronted my ex friend and it blew up in my face. Lesson learned the hard way. After that I blocked her from everything and ignored all attempts to contact me and after 18 months she got the message. Now I listen to good advice like yours it could have stopped all the drama much earlier 😊

penelopequiche · 31/01/2022 17:36

Thanks both so much Smile

OP posts:
worriedmummyofboys · 31/01/2022 21:09

Was my advice just ignored then? I didn't even get a thanks

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 21:14

@penelopequiche

Poppyfleur your name is lovely! I've tried the unavailable thing but she's quite pushy so I just end up shifting things around. I need to try harder. We have a couple of mutual friends that we meet up with quite often too and I don't want to make things awkward for them. I think I need assertiveness training!
This book will help you get started on the assertiveness Penelope :)

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

worriedmummyofboys · 31/01/2022 21:20

Charming

ChargingBuck · 31/01/2022 21:21

@worriedmummyofboys

Was my advice just ignored then? I didn't even get a thanks
It was horrible advice.

Do you seriously think OP, who is diffident about confrontation, would want to do that, & have to deal with the awkwardness?

Is it worth trying to explain how I feel? I have once in the past but she just started to tell me defensively how her life was very difficult. I was just hoping for a simple sorry and acknowledgment of my feelings.

The friend would go batshit about being the subject of this thread & having her behaviour criticised, & would give Op a very hard time about it. Then bitch about it to all & sundry.