To ditch a long term friend

[penelopequiche]

My friend and I have known each other for about 15 years. In many ways we get on well. She is great fun and has generally been supportive, particularly emotionally.

There have always been things that I have found difficult though. She is a constant stealth boaster which I take with a pinch of salt but is annoying. She is very conscious of social status and constantly looking for ways to improve her own. This tends to involve running others down often with gossip that isn’t kind and making friends with the right people.

There are little digs at me. For example I was considering a career change and she was dismissive. She also told me not to move to a particular area as I just wouldn’t fit in there.

She also often shows a lack of respect for my feelings. She will ditch me at the last minute when a more exciting arrangement usually with a more interesting acquaintance comes up. She is also often hours late when we meet. She will arrange to meet mutual friends, tell me about it but make it clear that I am not invited.

Over the last couple of years I have tried to distance myself a bit but she doesn’t seem to get the hint. This is further complicated by there being a couple of mutual friends in the mix.

So my AIBU is should I focus on the good and ignore the rest or is it time to make the call? I’m just starting to think that life’s too short!

Is it worth trying to explain how I feel? I have once in the past but she just started to tell me defensively how her life was very difficult. I was just hoping for a simple sorry and acknowledgment of my feelings.

I should add that I have been very supportive towards her too, to the point that sometimes I’ve felt that I am being taken advantage of.

Thanks Mumsnet!

Worried my initial response was directed towards your kind words. Maybe I'll give it a go, just need to pluck up a bit of courage! Thank you x

@worriedmummyofboys no offence but your advice to show the friend this thread is a bad idea. The friend would go batshit crazy and probably use it as ammunition against the OP and make herself the victim into the bargain. Toxic people like the OP's "friend" are spiteful and very manipulative and they also can't take any form of criticism even constructive criticism they view it as a personal attack on themselves which is ironic considering they're critical and judgemental towards others. You cannot have a civil conversation with them because they'll blame anything or anyone but themselves they're always right never wrong. The only way to handle them is to completely disengage and have a complete wall of silence.

Often with the lateness she'll say she's coming to mine but will be ages. It's hard to know what to say as I'm just here working so it's not as if I really need to be anywhere.
So give her a margin in case of travel issues - 15 mins/ half an hour maybe, then go out.
If you hear from her when she does arrive, just say you waited X long after she said she'd be there, you assumed she'd forgotten or changed her mind.

I don't like to ditch long-term friends; but I don't like spiteful gossip (what might she be saying to the other people about you?); and it sounds as though she is EXTREMELY unreliable. Unless there is something truly extreme going on in her life (e.g. mental illness, domestic abuse) I would cut my losses at this stage.

@penelopequiche

Poppyfleur your name is lovely! I've tried the unavailable thing but she's quite pushy so I just end up shifting things around. I need to try harder. We have a couple of mutual friends that we meet up with quite often too and I don't want to make things awkward for them. I think I need assertiveness training!

I would def quietly move to only doing group things only and manage it upfront.

You need some stock phrases to defer her "feb is just terrible for me but let's put something in for mid March. Will speak to X and Y are maybe we all go for a nice brunch and catch up" or whatever

I was a bit like your friend - without the being late and putting down. I somehow thought I was better than others - as a child we'd moved into a poorer area - I ended up feeling superior (eg books at home when others had none).
You could turn it on it's head and tell her you feel out of your depth with her as she is more upper class than her. Though that might make it harder to get rid of. I would avoid her and perhaps next time she says she will come to yours say no, and stick to it, as she is always late. Also you could flag up when she is being spiteful (just say 'that's unfair').
She will see the friendship as her deigning to be your friend (despite your lowiness compared to her)