friends/parents with different views to gaming and technology.

[Username536448227]

Each and every parent is entitled to their own opinions on using the internet, gaming, YouTube etc.

As a family we are very tech savvy, very technically driven, Dp is a massive gamer, kids have had use of iPads etc from a young age but in moderation. Both kids play video games. But do lots of other things to. It's about balance. DS is 11 and Dd 7. Ds is autistic and sometimes screen time is our saviour. Both me and dp are very clued up on online safety. DS's computer and Xbox is in our front room is never on his own with it.

Anyway... Dd has a best friend she goes school with. They also live close by and I have got friendly with the mother in recent weeks.

The mother is dead against any form of the technology which is her opinion and her choice.

But more recently she's made opinionated comments towards me or dc. Ds is autistic and on times he's innocently mentioned a funny video he watched or someone he follows on YouTube without thinking about it. 'Friend' has shut him down and asked me to stop him talking about YouTube in front of her or her kids. Saying well I don't let my kids watch YouTube or my kids don't need it, which again is her choice. But can she really expect others not to talk about it?! We are living in a world where it's everywhere. I am sure the kids talk about all sorts of stuff in the playground. Even the 7 year olds.

Recently we were early to school (god knows how) and had to wait out front for gates to open whilst stood near said friend and her kids. Ds was talking excitedly to another friend about a video game (roblox). She asked him to stop as her kids don't play it. They said nothing bad at all and the conversation wasn't even anything to do with her.

Ds mentioned he had an Xbox for Christmas (when she asked what he had for Christmas). She looked at me in pure disgust.

I get that she wants to keep her kids safe and avoid it all.

But aibu to think in today's world she cannot shelter her kids forever and cannot expect everyone else not to talk about anything just in case your kids might question things? Kids talk, probably more than she realises at school!

It's not like my kids are saying 'well you aren't allowed to do this and that'. It's not like that at all, my kids are very respectful and I teach them that all families are different. They just forget sometimes and start talking about things they are interested in or things they've watched or played.

Sometimes screen time is out saviour so I can get some things done when Ds is home. He is autistic as above and very full on. Sometimes gaming time is the only chill time we get.

She is like the parent who does not let their children eat chocolate she can only escape it for so long

I am not trivialising what you are talking about, my children are 16 and 13 and I have been where you are

There will be lots of differences of opinion, develop a thicker skin. These are your children and you can parent them how you like

This is HER issue

She'll be horrified when her daughter gets to year 7 and comes home with a school ipad 😁

Right, I don’t agree with video games, absolute waste of time- that’s called an opinion. But Op your children are doing nothing wrong and neither are you, if a parent looked at me in disgust ever I would t bother with them again. You run your family how you see fit, not of her business!

@MermaidEyes

She'll be horrified when her daughter gets to year 7 and comes home with a school ipad 😁

So would I! Can't see why schools encourage it. Most children spend enough time on screens in their spare time.

YANBU.

I would be tempted to start shaking my head and looking sad everytime she mentioned that her DD isn't allowed access to screens! But that wouldn't actually help.

I think a very straightforward and direct "[Friend], I don't tell you what your DD can and can't talk about. Please stop trying to control my DS's discussions." and then change the subject.

For what it's worth, since you seem to be getting quite a few comments from people who think screens are the devils work, I grew up on technology. Just TV at first, because I'm pretty old, but I got a ZX81 for my joint 12th and 13th Christmas and birthday present and after that there was no stopping me. Telex. Bulletin boards. etc. DH was similar. Both DH and I went on to study computing at Uni and got great careers and life opportunities from it. We also did lots of other things too and that's exactly what we're trying to inculcate in our DC. We are very pro-tech in our house but we encourage lots of other things too. Especially during the pandemic, tech skills have been a lifeline for our kids and I can't see them getting less important.

I genuinely think that some of these parents who won't let their DC access anything are borderline abusive. It's very, very controlling and usually comes from a place of wilfull ignorance, as well. A lot of it is not wanting DC to be exposed to any other opinions or worldviews - usually because the parent's worldview is unpleasant.

DC in our house don’t have any access to technology. There is a school iPad that comes home each night for school homework etc but except that there is none. DC got to an Apple school so are very tech savvy.

Conversely, I grew up in a house without a tv - we do have one but rarely watch it. We didn’t have gaming stuff when me or DH (mid 40’s) were kids (we are too old really) & DC (10) don’t either. It’s just our choice.

When kids come to our house for a play date we ask them not to bring devices & there are a couple of houses we don’t do play dates with because the children have access to iPads etc in their rooms and one time they were on tik tok. DC said they were bored because no one played. Our DC don’t play Roblox or Minecraft etc.

All that aside, I would NEVER try to dictate a child not talk about it. We wouldn’t understand it or as a result be very interested but that’s beside the point.

I have however asked a I’m at school to please stop asking DC to ‘meet’ her DC online for Roblox sessions. I just said it would never happen. She hasn’t got the hint and it’s been almost 2 years.

I have friends with views similar to this and its a particular kind of accessible middle class neurosis. Completely irrational and very controlling. Yes of course moderation and doing offline things is important but thinking you can shut out screens and the internet is properly nuts.

I think you have to stand your ground with her OP: its not on for her to police what your children talk about.

AgathaMystery will you continue to impose your choice on dc when they are teens in a couple of years and begin to question more and become naturally curious about use of iPads/phones for independent study/social life? Or for example what if they participate in a team sport and the coaches use social media to share info on matches and training etc? Personally I don’t use fb much (more instagram etc) but one dc loves insta, she’s very creative and plays a county level sport that requires her to use a phone to get the info required via whats app or my fb does your no access to tech include phones? My now 15 yr old started organising own social activities with friends around 11/12 using phone, they just communicate the plans with me and we discuss timings/lifts, I might ask for a parents phone number/address just in case etc but if they hadn’t ‘practiced’ this with support at a younger age they’d be far less savvy now and would have missed out massively non friendship developments.

@MissMaple82

If you want to poison your minds Monday then crack on with the You Tube and ignore her helpful hints!

She's being ridiculous (about trying to control the conversation - unlike others, I think her views on screen time are fine.) Also, aren't her kids mortified that she's telling their friends what to talk about? I would have been if my mum had done that, and I did grow up in a family with fairly strict rules on TV etc. But my parents would never have told my friends not to talk about TV!

Many games companies are struggling to get enough staff as there is a massive shortage of qualified people and the jobs pay well. I agree with moderation but people forget it is a skill and a career path!

My DS is already applying for jobs whilst at Uni and the jobs are 30k for junior posts and he hasn't even finished his degree yet(2ndYear)You can work your way up quite quickly to well paid jobs the industry if you have a passion for it.

Gaming has also helped my DS he has great friendships online with his school friends and they all work together and it is lovely to hear.

But roblox has massive safeguarding issues from what I've read.

Jellyinawelly Roblox is fine, I find it boring but my dc love it, it’s creative and social,
So I have educated myself on how to use it safely and also the dc are safe, they either play with each other, offline as it were or with friends from school whose online names we know from a quick chat with another parent, ie my dc only accept friend requests from known names and it’s fine! If someone requests them outside of that they decline and they tell me and I can look at their accounts and see the declined request and block anyone I want to etc etc.but I have never needed to block anyone as it’s just his mates from school…..the youngest dc is 7, I am confident he will be safe online going forward as he’s learning now in a ‘low stakes’ way how to be safe, how to question and analyse and think critically etc etc so when the stakes are higher and mummy isn’t there eg when dc is at someone else house or in a cafe or on the bus or even at school they are informed and having fun.

So she wants her kids to be effectively technologically illiterate? doesn't she have any idea about how many jobs need at least a basic understanding of technology to be able to do them?

I was the kid at school who was often left out because of my parents attitude to television and music. I didn't know who all the bands were, couldn't chat about most TV shows as I wasn't allowed to watch them.
My Dad, however, has spent his whole working life in tech so I do know one end of a computer from the other!
Nowadays it's things like Roblox. It is actually incredibly easy to restrict the time spent on it, if you actually take the time to look. If you're using a windows device, make sure the child has their own profile and set up the Microsoft Family Safety app. Block anything you don't want them using, set strict time limits for each app and even set times when they can't even log on! Also, you can put their ages in their profile and it wont let them download any games that are too old for them. You can set up something similar for Chrome, currently we have it set so they can only access the school homework portal on it.
My children grumbled at first, but accept the time limits set by the app. They don't feel left out of conversations at school because they know all about Minecraft, Roblox etc etc but they're not on it all day every day.

@JellyinaWelly

But roblox has massive safeguarding issues from what I've read.

Imo it can be safe with the correct supervision, parental controls and restrictions. My two play roblox but do not chat to people they don't know on it. It's not as scary as people think it is with the correct measures.

@JellyinaWelly

But roblox has massive safeguarding issues from what I've read.

Best way to educate yourself on it is to set up your own account and play alongside your kids. Then you can see any safeguarding issues for yourself.

If people want to stop their kids gaming or using social media that's entirely their right, the main issue they will encounter is that when those kids hit the teen years and suddenly discover these things for themselves, they will probably be extremely naive about online safety. Children growing up with it as normal will be a lot more savvy and aware of any possible dangers.

Going to school, leaving your DC at cubs, attending gymnastics ALL have massive safeguarding issues.... just because there's a potential for harm doesn't mean you don't do it. It means you think about how to do it safely so that you get the benefit.

DD is hounding me because she heard that Outschool is offering roblox coding classes for 6-8 year olds and she is DESPERATE to do it. It's not just about mindless gaming with strangers making in appropriate comments.

Well said blingloving I think the coding skills are amazing, my under tens have better computer skills than i do half the time, but agree with others upthread the onus is on the adult to educate themselves and child and keep them safe don’t just avoid all tech because of potential harm, just let the poor things enjoy it, just moderate usage if you are worried and relax, my older teens have no restrictions now but it’s a gradual process how are dc that are banned from tech supposed to go from nothing to everything? They need guidance and communication with their adult about it not a blanket ban

I honestly think we’d all be happier if we started telling these arseholes to fuck off.

I don’t agree with video games, absolute waste of time

Whereas mumsnet is so productive.

@JustWonderingIfYou

Talking about videos know YouTube and computer games is pretty boring especially if you don't watch or play them. Maybe give your DS some other topics.

I would treat it the same as a Muslim or Jewish person asking not to be told constantly abou the yummy bacon sarnie he ate for breakfast. Different beliefs and all that.

JustWonderingIfYou 🤣 I’m Muslim and someone talking about their bacon sarnie would definitely not cause me any form of distress.

@MermaidEyes

She'll be horrified when her daughter gets to year 7 and comes home with a school ipad 😁

I was thinking the same or a laptop

We didn’t have gaming stuff when me or DH (mid 40’s) were kids (we are too old really) & DC (10) don’t either.

My mum didn't have electricity growing up.

My mum didn't have electricity growing up.

😂 My mum didn't have an indoor toilet but I'm not about to dismantle mine and put it in the garden shed!