friends/parents with different views to gaming and technology.

[Username536448227]

Each and every parent is entitled to their own opinions on using the internet, gaming, YouTube etc.

As a family we are very tech savvy, very technically driven, Dp is a massive gamer, kids have had use of iPads etc from a young age but in moderation. Both kids play video games. But do lots of other things to. It's about balance. DS is 11 and Dd 7. Ds is autistic and sometimes screen time is our saviour. Both me and dp are very clued up on online safety. DS's computer and Xbox is in our front room is never on his own with it.

Anyway... Dd has a best friend she goes school with. They also live close by and I have got friendly with the mother in recent weeks.

The mother is dead against any form of the technology which is her opinion and her choice.

But more recently she's made opinionated comments towards me or dc. Ds is autistic and on times he's innocently mentioned a funny video he watched or someone he follows on YouTube without thinking about it. 'Friend' has shut him down and asked me to stop him talking about YouTube in front of her or her kids. Saying well I don't let my kids watch YouTube or my kids don't need it, which again is her choice. But can she really expect others not to talk about it?! We are living in a world where it's everywhere. I am sure the kids talk about all sorts of stuff in the playground. Even the 7 year olds.

Recently we were early to school (god knows how) and had to wait out front for gates to open whilst stood near said friend and her kids. Ds was talking excitedly to another friend about a video game (roblox). She asked him to stop as her kids don't play it. They said nothing bad at all and the conversation wasn't even anything to do with her.

Ds mentioned he had an Xbox for Christmas (when she asked what he had for Christmas). She looked at me in pure disgust.

I get that she wants to keep her kids safe and avoid it all.

But aibu to think in today's world she cannot shelter her kids forever and cannot expect everyone else not to talk about anything just in case your kids might question things? Kids talk, probably more than she realises at school!

It's not like my kids are saying 'well you aren't allowed to do this and that'. It's not like that at all, my kids are very respectful and I teach them that all families are different. They just forget sometimes and start talking about things they are interested in or things they've watched or played.

Sometimes screen time is out saviour so I can get some things done when Ds is home. He is autistic as above and very full on. Sometimes gaming time is the only chill time we get.

My kids have all the stuff. It was a life-saver over lockdown as it was the only way they got to speak to someone other than me.

I'm also in IT, so I have strong opinions on lots of things (Their stuff is locked down, they're only allowed to friend people they know in real life etc.) and do hint to friends when I hear their kids doing things that they really shouldn't be - eg. a friend's girl using her real name in Fortnite chat, telling people how old she was etc - my kids aren't allowed to voice chat, and know never to tell their name/any information about themselves to anyone - luckily, even in kids stuff, there are plenty of jerks that have provided an introduction to why that is.

On the other hand, we only have streaming TV, so they have no knowledge of TV advertising, Real Housewives, or any of the other stuff that lots of kids talk about, so it's swings and roundabouts.

The idea that she can control your kids perfectly age-appropriate conversations is utter madness.

You need to pull on your big girl knickers and speak up for your right to choose whatever you choose for your children to do.

Do not let her go unchallenged. Your children can talk about anything they want to.

And stop making excuses about your choice - plenty of children spend a lot of time gaming, watching videos, etc. With parental controls and good communication about what they're watching it's perfectly fine. You don't have to justify yourself to this woman or anyone else about tech use by your children.

Tell her she is being unreasonable, and that she doesn't have the right to dictate what other people's children do it talk about.

She is completely in the wrong here, and her children will suffer as a result. They will suffer socially when it gets around that they are being cocooned in this way - one day she will tell off the wrong parent or child and her children will be bullied about it - and they won't know anything about safety when they do finally get their hands on an x box or an iPad. They will be isolated because they won't be able to engage in the conversations kids have about games and YouTube and TikTok, etc

I would hazard a guess that this woman would go so far as to do home schooling rather than let them be exposed to the things she seems to fear so much. I feel immensely sorry for those children. It's not good for children to be parented by someone so fearful.

@Phrenologistsfinger

My DP spent his teen years gaming, taught himself to code, set-up his own games studio and has done incredibly well out of it, professionally and financially (better than my traditional profession career path!). Many games companies are struggling to get enough staff as there is a massive shortage of qualified people and the jobs pay well. I agree with moderation but people forget it is a skill and a career path!

This could be my dh! Games and animation development is where the big money is at!

She is crazy to think she can control what her kids talk about but I can kind of see where she is coming from - if your DC is going on about a video that they’ve watched on YT that her DC hasn’t watched then obviously they’re going to nag her to watch it. And I don’t blame her for wanting to keep a 7 year old off YT in the slightest.

She can't avoid technology forever. It's well and truly at the forefront of society and when she finally allows her kids the freedom to explore it, she will have no understanding of it or how to keep them safe online. She's daft. I think being tech savvy is a skill a lot of parents need these days!

My sister is a bit like this. Sneery about screens and gaming and lots of comments about "rotting minds". Which would be true if it was all that the kids did, but it's not.

Asking your kids not to talk about an interest with a friend is just not on though.

She’s beyond naive if she thinks her daughter won’t be hearing all about youtubers and video games at school. Half the boys in her class will be bringing in minecraft backpacks for a start.

I also feel sorry for the poor teacher when she realises coding to make rudimentary games is on the year 2 computing curriculum

YANBU and I agree with everything mathanxiety said above.

I would be backing off from this woman. This sentence in particular stood out to me: She asked him to stop as her kids don't play it. so not only is she super controlling of her own kids, she's also trying to control other people's children and seems entitled enough to think that she has that right. Can you imagine what she's going to be like by the time she hits the teenage years?!

@minniep

I have written your post OP I also know one of those women. I also have a six year old son with autism and YouTube is a saviour for us. My older DD also loves her tech and DH works for a tech type company so I totally get you. There have been several posts about this type of issue on a Facebook page I'm on for parents with autistic children. Many parents feel really judged when their children mention gaming or YouTube.

I hear you! I have been on a few autism courses and even the professionals running them have said screen time rules are different for children with autism 😅 often it's the only dosn time the children and parents get!

I have another mum friend who for years tried to keep her son away from it, but was not judgey of other parents about it. Turns out she's got to a point she's had to give in. All the kids were talking about it and her son was diagnosed with asd and screen time was giving him some down time they didn't realise screen time would give them all 🤷‍♀️😅

@JustWonderingIfYou

Talking about videos know YouTube and computer games is pretty boring especially if you don't watch or play them. Maybe give your DS some other topics.

I would treat it the same as a Muslim or Jewish person asking not to be told constantly abou the yummy bacon sarnie he ate for breakfast. Different beliefs and all that.

Half the time he isn't even talking to them directly about it. It's been in conversation with me, his dad, his sister or other friends. But she's been nearby and she hears it if that makes sense.

How the hell did home school her DD during all the lockdowns last year if she doesn’t allow any tech? Plus even in primary school there are a lot of online resources they use in their homework.

Years ago we used to complain about kids who missed things in life because 'they always had their nose in a book'.
Then kids used to watch too much telly and we wished they would read books.
Now they are on their screens and we wish they would watch telly or read books.

Things move on. Tech and screens and video games are our children's world now.

Video gaming can teach many things including perseverance, strategy, teamwork, depending on the game. Our teens themselves are not worried about the effects of the contents of the games but some worry about the addiction aspect of the screen time.

OP I think I might say to your school mum something like "That is your opinion, but please respect that my children benefit from these games."

@JustWonderingIfYou

Talking about videos know YouTube and computer games is pretty boring especially if you don't watch or play them. Maybe give your DS some other topics.

I would treat it the same as a Muslim or Jewish person asking not to be told constantly abou the yummy bacon sarnie he ate for breakfast. Different beliefs and all that.

OP says that her son has autism. My six year has autism and when he is in full flight you cannot shut him up. I'm sure you would probably find his conversation boring and tedious but good luck to you trying to get him to change the subject. If only it was quite that easy.

@yellowtwo

She's telling your 7 year old what to talk about to his friends! That is so out of order. Was the conversation outside school to her kids or another one?

Cheeky woman telling your child what he can speak to his friends.

She sounds like a complete PITA.

She can decide whatever she likes but I certainly couldn't be listening to her comments on my choices and my business.

I would be VERY firm about telling her NOT to involve herself in my son's choice of harmless conversation.

Cheeky PITA.

@minniep I can relate! My sons main topic at the minute is maps, roads and rivers. Asking people where they live and which roads to take to get there 🤦‍♀️😅

Neither of you is wrong but you have different priorities and lifestyles.
I don’t know why people are sneering at her and you don’t need to make excuses for your choices either.
You’ll both have children who’ll have different roles in the future world as we need all sorts.

@seekinglondonlife

She sounds very scared and insecure. Personally I'd ignore her completely. At any attempt to shut down the conversation I'd probably just tell her to keep out. If she thinks her dc are never going to hear about YouTube or Roblox she's utterly delusional.

What makes the other mum sound scared and insecure and not the OP?

She sounds judgemental rude and interfering. It's no business of hers what other people choose to talk about. Next time she does that tell her to mind her own business.

She's a dick. A judgemental ,sanctimonious dick.
Lazy as well , as she's expecting everyone around her to change and police themselves because she won't or can't explain to her kids why they can't have x,y,z.

We have various parents at DD's school. I make and enforce the rules for DD, not someone else's kid. There are kids who have watched squid game, there are kids who at 10 aren't allowed to watch past the third Harry Potter. There are kids with no parental controls and all the SM possible, there are kids who aren't allowed any tech and missed out on all the socialising and playing that happened online during the pandemic.

I don't get involved. Starting from nursery DD has learned that I don't give a crap what other parents do and what their kids can or can't do. She's my kid and my rules are for her .

The majority though, are somewhere in the middle, trying to balance it all with their own lines in the sand,which I always try to respect.

@Bitofachinwag the other mum seems to want to shut down any talk, which to me implies she feels scared and insecure in her choice to ban tech. She's probably put the fear of God into her dc about YouTube and other sites and is very worried they'll find out the truth.

Well she has no place at all in policing your children’s conversations with their friends.

I do agree with her stand on screens though and find talk about computer games utterly dull, perhaps it’s more that?!

@Username536448227 his current extra resource teacher is sick and I was chatting to his class teacher and she was saying that the substitute said that she is now an expert on all things Star Wars
Definitely say something to this woman if she starts again. I find this behaviour ridiculous . They are usually weird about television as well and carry on like they are intellectually superior (when actually in fact your map loving DS would probably run rings around their child) I actually find such people funny. Like you I used to not know what to do with myself when people said these things but since my sons diagnosis I'm less likely to put up with this shit.

I came across a parent like you describe in the op the other day, we were all (group) well
Into a coversation about screen usage and how it’s sometimes hard to manage but that overall it’s good for kids to have access to these things when this one person said her kids were never going to be allowed the likes of Roblox! I couldn’t bite my tongue and just said it’s better for kids to have at least some practice and exposure to it so they can learn to be safe and regulate usage etc and not miss out socially… went down like a lead balloon, she’s entitled to her parenting style of course but was being very derisive of others letting kids use these games, if it wasn’t for her comments I would have smiled and nodded but like others have mentioned upthread I felt like I was defending not my parenting choices but my kids, after all if this parent is so sneery about screen time it felt like she was saying kids that do use Roblox are going to be failing at school etc , that’s kind of where her comments were going, very odd. Mine all enjoy various games/YouTube ages 7-15 and it’s safe and we know who they are talking to and have many chats about online safety, they are gaining many IT skills and the oldest is now into design as a result and looking at ict gcse etc etc if we had banned all iPads then he wouldn't have the skills or the ideas that he might like to learn and master more skills! Children not allowed sweets or telly or computer games will always find a way to access this stuff and more when they are teens but if it’s all denied then they haven’t had a chance to learn to handle the negative side under supervision like how to moderate own usage or be safe online, I think far better to learn the pitfalls and overcome them younger with a parent nearby than as a teen at someone else’s house or at school etc etc the stakes get higher as they get older, oh yes and I think Minecraft or YouTube etc is just a phase , kids really want what their peers have or to do what they are doing, let them try it, safely probably when they are around 7/8 and they will soon tire of it and be ready to cope with the next thing….deny it totally and it becomes even more desirable

She’s completely out of order. I’d have to say to her that I respect your views but please don’t ask my child to change the conversation. I couldn’t be friends with her. She needs to respect your parenting in the same way she expects people to respect hers!

I had an annoying friend with younger kids than me who was like this. Didn't see her for a while and when we met up again, her child was glued to her phone in his buggy😂. If she can maintain her boring, judgey shit, she won't be able to avoid tech in the teen years. My son's friend wasn't allowed games or have a smart phone as a young teen, but the parents let him play at friends houses. He was obsessed and really wired! I struggled to get him off the ps4. They need desensitising!