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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be looking forward to meeting BIL's OW?

37 replies

50Pence · 31/01/2022 12:51

I'll try keep this brief but avoid drip feeding

BIL (DH's brother) split with his wife (let's say A) a few years ago, initiated by him. DH and I weren't super close to BIL & A but we both have DCs who get on, and we'd spend maybe a couple of weekends a year with them and have a nice time. They lived in a different country a few hours away.

After they split we of course continued to see BIL and separately I visited A. As far I was concerned they were both family when they were together, and I wasn't going to ditch her just because they split up. When I was there she told me she'd found out that BIL had started seeing his new gf (B) before BIL he'd initiated their separation and divorce. B was also married - they both left their OHs to be with each other.

So to summarise: he cheated on A, decided he loved B more, lied about it and told A he wanted to divorce because she is hard to live with, left A dealing with most of the burden of 5 DCs (2 with SN), and now wants us all to welcome B into the family with open arms.

I've avoided meeting B so far but now there is a family wedding and both A and B will be there. I'm dreading it. Of course MIL doesn't know about the affair and thinks B is "wonderful" and we can all be great friends.

DH thinks I'm being ridiculous: it's none of our business, and also tells me I can't believe A's story (in my opinion she has far less reason than BIL to lie though). Maybe he's right and I'm just pissed off about having to spend time with these people and play nice when my own family Christmas has just been delayed for the third time Sad

I'm just going to have to suck it up I know. Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Cofifeefee · 31/01/2022 13:08

All you need to do is be polite.

I do think you're making a lot out of nothing. If this is the first time in years that you have to meet her, they obviously don't live close by/are involved in your life.

Presumably you meet/are introduced to people in different settings - you don't know whether they are cheaters or not but you wouldn't dream to enquire. Just exchange pleasantries and carry on.

Original poster
50Pence · 31/01/2022 13:16

I've managed to avoid it because they got together just before covid hit, we've been in and out of lockdown since Confused
Most people I meet I'm not pressured to strike up a family relationship with, this is a little different...

OP posts:
VapeVamp12 · 31/01/2022 13:24

I imagine A is dreading it more than you!

Fairylightsongs · 31/01/2022 13:27

I have to agree with your husband I’m sorry, I really don’t think you can take one’s sides story as the whole gospel truth. Marriage breakdowns are complicated.

Go be polite, and on this I’d follow my husbands feelings.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 31/01/2022 13:28

I can understand your feelings but I think you have to put them aside and pretend you don't know the history, also remember you only know one persons side of it.

Just be polite to the new partner. She doesn't have to be your friend. You just have to be civilised at family functions.

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 13:29

I can see it's a difficult situation because you feel conflicted but don't over think it.

Meet the new SIL and be warm polite. Be upfront with xsil ''I had the pleasure of meet new gf the other day, I was polite''.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 31/01/2022 13:30

Meh. People fall out of love every day. Marriages break up every day. Life is not black and white.

Original poster
50Pence · 31/01/2022 13:30

Ok thanks all

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/01/2022 13:32

Be polite, nothing more.

I wouldn't be impressed by your husband telling you that you are ridiculous 🙄.

His brother walked out out on his wife with two SEN children. Lovely.

Sounds like your husband has lots in common with his brother. 🙄

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 13:32

Is he back in the UK now, having left her with 5 dc? I'd judge that more tbh. He's left her with a huge amount of responsibility. I wouldn't care whether he was out cycling or playing snooker or out speed dating. He left his x in a different country with 100% responsibility for 5 dc, 2 with SN?

I hope i've got that wrong. That'd be the bit I'd judge him for.

Thirtytimesround · 31/01/2022 13:34

If you think Bil has been a dick then you are under no obligation to best buds, or even friendly, with his new gf.

The bit that gets me is him waltzing off with his affair partner and leaving his wife to cope alone with FIVE kids incl 2 with sn?? I’d be seeing as little of Bil as possible and spending the event hanging out with A and being supportive to her.

Phrowzunn · 31/01/2022 13:35

We had an OW in our extended family who we had to be polite to at family weddings etc while feeling very guilty and bad for the original wife who was also there. She of course was polite along with everyone else. OW is gone now though, turns out she was a total psycho (naturally) and they too are getting divorced, so didn’t have to deal with it for all too long in the end.

Tal45 · 31/01/2022 13:37

You don't have to have a relationship with anyone, just say hi and move on if that's what you want. BIL is obviously a liar though so it's possible he's been telling B all sorts of lies. Perhaps B has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire - who knows.

MarineBlue33 · 31/01/2022 13:38

You don't have to friends with B. Just be civil. I get why the whole thing would have you fuming; it would me too.
I am sure A would appreciate your support too, just being with her.
Don't get drawn into any horrid talk about B.
The whole thing is a mess so you just need to be diplomatic and try and not get embroiled in it

Original poster
50Pence · 31/01/2022 13:38

Userbot Not quite, he lives near ex and does have some responsibility for DCs (though some don't want to see him - I wonder why Hmm). I should have mentioned, we are all staying at PILs so it's not just making small talk at the wedding, its sharing a bathroom and breakfast table too. But hey ho, I'll slap on my polite face, I take the point it's not worth causing a fall out over

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 31/01/2022 13:38

@UserBot9to5

Is he back in the UK now, having left her with 5 dc? I'd judge that more tbh. He's left her with a huge amount of responsibility. I wouldn't care whether he was out cycling or playing snooker or out speed dating. He left his x in a different country with 100% responsibility for 5 dc, 2 with SN?

I hope i've got that wrong. That'd be the bit I'd judge him for.

I’m not sure that’s right, the op is in a different country not he is from his ex. She also said most of the care, which could mean the mother doesn’t work and is primary carer, and he works.
SocialConnection · 31/01/2022 13:38

It's none of your business.

Keep your friendship with A.

You've no way of knowing what really happened in their marriage - only the ex couple know that, they've filtered it through their own minds and also presented edited versions to others, who've done their own filtering ...

Let it go.

You've got your own life to manage.

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 13:42

Not really B that's in the wrong is it. I'm sure he lied to the pair of them. Unlikely she set out to break up a family for shits and giggles.

Popetthetreehugger · 31/01/2022 13:48

I’d smile and nod , then spend my time with A . If B knowingly was an OW then she wouldn’t be getting my vote . What sort of human plays a part in making the lives of 5 DC harder ? There are some lines in the sand I can’t cross .

Original poster
50Pence · 31/01/2022 13:52

If the timings are correct then B was knowingly the OW (she met A so knew BIL was married). And BIL was the OM as B was married too. I don't blame her any more than him. If it was up to me I wouldn't see BIL either but that one is harder to avoid

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 31/01/2022 13:56

The above PP is right IMO, OP. I'd be inclined to file this one under the category of 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. Other people's business, other people's problem, and certainly not my place to incite or participate in any kind of unnecessary family drama. In which case, I think your DH is right.

Your BiL is entitled to forge his own relationships. You're entitled to maintain your own loyalties. You don't get to tell each other who you can and can't be friends/sexual partners with. As this woman is now BiL's partner - your friend isn't coming back into that role - you owe her as a minimum the basic level of courtesy. You don't have to be bosom buddies with her and any expectation to the contrary is also unreasonable.

This one isn't worth the angst, OP.

3scape · 31/01/2022 13:57

I'd definitely be judging him more for his half arsed parenting then. I don't like cheats, but you don't need to rely on him or them, keep trust out of it.. i would keep it that way, keep a distance, no shared investments, making separate arrangements, wouldn't put him as an executor on a will, wouldn't leave him responsible for anything of mine.

MargosKaftan · 31/01/2022 15:39

Its not your problem.be polite but you don't owe them a relationship or particularly kindness /being welcoming.

You also don't owe it to them to hide it from Mil that B was the OW.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 31/01/2022 15:42

None of your business.

Be polite, and keep supporting the kids.

Whether MIL knows or not is nothing to do with you.

Hapoydayz · 31/01/2022 15:48

I would say Hi and that's it and just wander away. I couldn't respect anyone who knowingly had an affair so wouldn't want to engage with them in any way. You are being told it is none of your business so go with that and don't say anything more than hello and if you are asked why say you were told to stay out of their business