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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be looking forward to meeting BIL's OW?

37 replies

50Pence · 31/01/2022 12:51

I'll try keep this brief but avoid drip feeding

BIL (DH's brother) split with his wife (let's say A) a few years ago, initiated by him. DH and I weren't super close to BIL & A but we both have DCs who get on, and we'd spend maybe a couple of weekends a year with them and have a nice time. They lived in a different country a few hours away.

After they split we of course continued to see BIL and separately I visited A. As far I was concerned they were both family when they were together, and I wasn't going to ditch her just because they split up. When I was there she told me she'd found out that BIL had started seeing his new gf (B) before BIL he'd initiated their separation and divorce. B was also married - they both left their OHs to be with each other.

So to summarise: he cheated on A, decided he loved B more, lied about it and told A he wanted to divorce because she is hard to live with, left A dealing with most of the burden of 5 DCs (2 with SN), and now wants us all to welcome B into the family with open arms.

I've avoided meeting B so far but now there is a family wedding and both A and B will be there. I'm dreading it. Of course MIL doesn't know about the affair and thinks B is "wonderful" and we can all be great friends.

DH thinks I'm being ridiculous: it's none of our business, and also tells me I can't believe A's story (in my opinion she has far less reason than BIL to lie though). Maybe he's right and I'm just pissed off about having to spend time with these people and play nice when my own family Christmas has just been delayed for the third time

I'm just going to have to suck it up I know. Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 16:11

@Gizacluethen

Not really B that's in the wrong is it. I'm sure he lied to the pair of them. Unlikely she set out to break up a family for shits and giggles.

So it's ok to have an affair? Let alone one with 5 kids?? They're BOTH responsible!

JugglingJanuary · 31/01/2022 16:17

@50Pence

Fun fun fun...

I wouldn't want to meet her or spend time with BIL either. The wedding would be bad enough, but both staying at PIL's- no thanks. Can you not stay nearby instead? Could you stay at A's

BunsOfAnarchy · 31/01/2022 18:14

Just separate the two in your head. A and B.
It shouldn't matter the circumstances surrounding how they met, she is a new member of the family so just treat her as such.
A is also a member of the family and continue your relationship as you choose it to be with her.
But the best thing to do is not convolute the two and see them as separate entities.
Its BILs private life. So essentially not anyones business.

AskingforaBaskin · 31/01/2022 18:23

We had similar. BIL walked in on fiancé and 3 kids to be with Long term OW.
Family had to chose who they had a relationship with.

Me and DH see them and get on with everything. Not our circus not our monkeys.

Do I have questions about what the hell they think they are doing? Yes.
Do I shut up and just smile. Also yes.

Fairylightsongs · 31/01/2022 22:16

If it was up to me I wouldn't see BIL either but that one is harder to avoid

If you’re going to take a stand take it against him, he’s the one who left his wife. You don’t know her or her story.

So either take a line in rhe stand and do it properly, or see them both and be polite. You can’t take against her and see him and play nice.

buddylicious · 01/02/2022 04:42

Is it unusual for A to be going to the family wedding if she's split up from her ex?

Maybe A needs a bit of support on the day?

Lampshading · 01/02/2022 04:47

I doubt they're that bothered what you think in honesty, just be civil to avoid drama- don't need to be best friends or anything.

BootsScootsAndToots · 01/02/2022 04:51

Jeeze, all these 'it's none of your business' comments.

No wonder there's so many arseholes walking around. It's none of my business if you act like one 🙄

Personally, I'd tell BIL and B you know and you think what they did to A and the other DH is pretty shit.

I'd have to at least voice that to them. Then after that I might consider it none of my business.

But OP, make sure you're there for A at the wedding. I imagine it will be super tough for her.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2022 06:59

I'd be more pissed that he's doing eff all for his kids. Your MIL has a right to know that surely!

Willyoujustbequiet · 01/02/2022 07:01

Nah that wouldn't fly with me. You don't have to suck it up at all. Actions have consequences and you're entitled to your opinion. I couldn't be under the same roof and wouldn't give a hoot how it looked.

Crikeycroc · 01/02/2022 07:37

It would make me feel really insecure to know that my BIL had cheated and left his wife and my DH just accepted that this was ok.

Tiramysu · 01/02/2022 07:42

If you're going to avoid B you should be treating BIL exactly the same. Otherwise you're holding her to a different standard to BIL

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