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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still be off sick

33 replies

judyf86 · 31/01/2022 11:14

My mother has never really been one to pander to sickness and I was lucky as a child to never be ill. When I had surgery when I was 6, I had to be at the hospital from 1pm so she made me go to school that morning.

I became unwell with an infection around 5 weeks ago and I'm still not feeling great. I was signed off from my job (which is stressful) and I'm really not a whole lot better.

My mum has been quite vocal about me 'skiving' work and that it's ridiculous I'm getting full pay to watch boxsets all day. I'm still sleeping loads and have low energy and DH is completely sympathetic and supportive but my mum's attitude is niggling at me. She's past retirement age but still works full time and is one of these 'haven't had a sick day in 20 years' martyrs.

We are generally close and speak often so I didn't want to lie about being off.

I've just been seen by the doctor and signed off for another two weeks and my first thought is immediate guilt.

OP posts:

WarmWinterSun · 31/01/2022 11:20

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your mother is very lucky, but her health has nothing to do with how you’re feeling. It’s unfair for her to make you feel guilty.

ilovesooty · 31/01/2022 11:24

Your doctor has seen fit to extend your note and you still don't feel well.

Your mother needs to keep her opinion to herself.

perimenofertility · 31/01/2022 11:32

You are unwell, you need time off work to become well again, take that time, rest, recover. Ignore your mother, she is not helping your situation and is causing additional unnecessary stress. If necessary, send her a message to say you are not answering messages for the next week (or two). Get well soon

KarmaStar · 31/01/2022 11:38

If you need 7 weeks off work then you need it.
Are you doing enough to recuperate?
Some people are lucky enough not to be ill so don't understand.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 11:38

Your doctor says you’re too ill to work. Your mother needs to wind her bloody neck in.

Are you really close or is the relationship founded on her being mean to you and you putting up with it?

Mischance · 31/01/2022 11:42

None of her business. Ignore.

Whatthefrigisthis · 31/01/2022 11:44

Oh my goodness.

This is absolutely none of your Mothers business.

You are unwell. Full stop.

I've been off work for ten weeks with
my mental health and I am very unwell still. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty but it is what it is.

Please do take care of yourself and hope you feel better soon.

Daenerys77 · 31/01/2022 12:00

Tell her that when she has completed medical school and qualified as a doctor, you'll ask for her informed opinion.

SockFluffInTheBath · 31/01/2022 12:13

@Daenerys77

Tell her that when she has completed medical school and qualified as a doctor, you'll ask for her informed opinion.

This. Hope you’re on the mend soon

ToykotoLosAngeles · 31/01/2022 12:15

Tell her nobody is waiting on her deathbed, or yours, to give her a shiny medal for hours worked while ill.

Original poster

judyf86 · 31/01/2022 12:22

@AnneLovesGilbert

Your doctor says you’re too ill to work. Your mother needs to wind her bloody neck in.

Are you really close or is the relationship founded on her being mean to you and you putting up with it?

No, we are close and she's good with helping with DC.

She's just really unhelpful and has no empathy for sickness.

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 31/01/2022 12:22

I don't think your mother knows better than your doctor.
If you're close, can you just say 'Please drop it, I really don't need the guilt.'?
Personally I'd be blunt and say 'It's between me, my work and my doctor', but I'm not close to my mother.

billyt · 31/01/2022 12:53

I'm lucky enough to not have had any sick time since the mid-90s (and even then it was an injury rather than sickness which stopped me working) but not everyone is as fortunate.

People get ill. I would never think that they should work through as that does them no good at all. In fact, it sometimes makes things worse.

OP, you're obviously not well. I'd ignore your mother's whining and get well soon.

9ofpentangles · 31/01/2022 12:56

'I didn't know you went to medical school, mother'

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2022 13:05

She does sound a bit extreme with her attitude to sickness. Lucky her never to be ill but what you describe is beyond “not pandering” - you can’t take a child to school before surgery, presumably you were nil by mouth? Beyond not being able to concentrate on lessons, it would be dangerous as she couldn’t hand on heart say you hadn’t eaten?

Just ignore her and listen to the doctor

9ofpentangles · 31/01/2022 13:11

She does. My husband is like this. It's so irritating. He's never ill, never tired etc

Postivepants · 31/01/2022 13:16

My late mum was like this too. I was literally made to go to school with strep throat one time and I couldn't hardly swallow. Her lack of emotion and empathy has actually affected my mental health in later life. I loved her dearly but never felt loved.

KeepYaHeadUp · 31/01/2022 13:19

It's important to recognise the effect her attitude to illness and taking time to recover when you were young has had on your ability to relax and recuperate guilt-free as an adult. Could it be affecting how well you recover now you are quite ill? It sounds odd but if you're unable to relax and have cortisol surging through your body that can affect how well your immune system works.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 31/01/2022 13:26

If you're not well enough to go to work it's no one's business but your own

Original poster

judyf86 · 31/01/2022 13:49

@KeepYaHeadUp

Yes, it's possible. My mum has always been quite like 'its mind over matter' and I've been advised to rest but she has been telling me that I'm lazy and putting too much on DH while I recover.

I hate not having a timescale of how long until I'm 'better' and I think you're right that it may be impacting my recovery.

OP posts:

VestaTilley · 31/01/2022 14:15

YANBU to still be off! Ignore your DM - she’s not a medical professional and frankly sounds like a bully.

Do not go back to work until your 100%. You’ll just make yourself ill again. Ignore your Mum. Maybe stop sharing quite so much with her and stop communicating with her as much as you do if all she does is make you feel guilty.

VestaTilley · 31/01/2022 14:15

*you’re

Puddington · 31/01/2022 14:26

YANBU, if you're ill then you're ill. I had an agonising tooth abscess last year that led to a secondary infection that meant I couldn't eat, sleep, could barely speak or swallow my own saliva even. I had the tooth removed in an emergency appointment but it took a few days more for me to be able to function. I had iirc three or four days off work, and everyone was fine and understanding about it except one woman who prides herself on never being off sick, even if she had "a fever and chills or vomiting". Which I think is nuts and irresponsible personally. Some people are real martyrs about illness, but it's nothing to do with you. I would ignore your mum or, if you're close as you say, tell her straight out she doesn't know better than the doctor and is just stressing you out.

Doodlepip23 · 31/01/2022 14:27

Ignore your mum, just laugh any of her comments off if you can. My MIL is always amazed whenever I am off work ill, feigns surprise that I would be allowed to take the time off and still keep my job. Says nothing of the sort to her sons, but there you go.

WTF99 · 31/01/2022 14:30

I think you should be listening to your doctor and not to your mum on this one.
Give yourself permission to have time to recover

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