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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted and can’t help but need advice

57 replies

Chippingbird23 · 31/01/2022 10:57

Just sum it up I’m currently working and studying plus have children myself. A lady has asked me to help her after school for two afternoons a week pick child up take child to my house and then drop child back after mum is home from work. I drive a lot for work and I just need some time to do my stuff too. I don’t know how to tell her but I just can’t help. Maybe one day a week but my opportunity has come to further my dream career and I need that time instead of driving back and forth and babysitting. I feel and I really do but I don’t know how to tell her.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 31/01/2022 13:26

@sunlovingcriminal

"I'm sorry, but I have a lot on at the moment and can't help out. Hope you sort out your predicament".

And don't feel guilty. Saying no really is okay!

This is the perfect response!!! It's polite, it gets your side across to her and you can still remain on good terms.

Please don't over-stretch yourself.

billy1966 · 31/01/2022 13:27

Don't be guilted.

You responsibility is too your own family.

If you say yes, you will bitterly regret it and have no one to blame but yourself.

Tell her you just have too much going on with your own children.

Because you do.

What if you get sick?

Your own children AND hers to sort out.

Kindly OP, but it is actually ridiculous that you would even consider this.

Flowers
User2638483 · 31/01/2022 13:28

The fact you’re even thinking about it makes me think perhaps she sees you as an old east target.
It’s a lot to ask. Are you best best friends and she’s helped you out loads in the past? Somehow I doubt it.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 31/01/2022 13:29

She might not sound pushy but she's trying to guilt you into doing it! Say no, you will do regret it otherwise.

I got railroaded into an arrangement like this when my DD was in Reception and it took me a while to work out I was being used to provide childcare to cover her shifts in retail. She had my DD back but I had a job where I had deliberately planned to be around after school so I didn't need a reciprocal arrangement. She was just using me.

Don't do it!

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2022 13:30

Just say you can't help. What's she been doing up until now?

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2022 13:33

She’s not your responsibility.

Say ‘I really can’t help. I’m sorry but I can’t be your childcare, I’ve got my own worries.’

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/01/2022 13:33

It doesn’t matter if she will lose money. It’s not your problem to solve.

“Sorry, I’ve got a lot on right now and it wouldn’t work”

Absolutely no saying yes to one day or anything like that. People like this will push for more if you give them any sort of opening.

emuloc · 31/01/2022 13:33

Is she even offering any money for you to do this?

Huntswomanonthemove · 31/01/2022 13:34

Say no, you are too busy and can't do it. Don't agree to any of it. Stay strong.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2022 13:38

Just say no op. And more, don't even think again about it. Don't say sorry in your response, you have nothing to apologise for. 'I'm unable to help, good luck in your search'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/01/2022 13:42

She isn’t pushy but says things like I will have to reduce my hours and I don’t even know if work will allow that ... If I don’t help she makes it sound like she will lose money

I thought you said she wasn't puushy? Sounds pretty pushy to me Hmm
And why would you be expected to drop the child home once mum was back from work - what's wrong with collecting them on mum's way back?

Anyway I agree with everyone else; just say you've got a lot on (which is true) and therefore can't help, and tack on "No that won't work for me" when she pushes again

Thelnebriati · 31/01/2022 13:44

She needs help but she doesnt need you to help. Just say ''Sorry no, I can't''. If she asks again say ''I already said 'no I can't'.

BreakfastClub80 · 31/01/2022 13:45

How is telling you what to do “reduce my hours” not pushy?

It’s not up to her to organise your life to suit her, you have to say no.

Ionlydomassiveones · 31/01/2022 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ohpulltheotherone · 31/01/2022 13:53

So what are you going to do? Just take on this huge extra burden and logistical nightmare because you’re too embarrassed at saying no or feel too awkward to put your needs before someone else?

Don’t be daft OP! She is not in any embarrassed at taking absolute liberties and asking way too much from you.

Have a look on YouTube at some videos on how to be more assertive or how to say no without feeling bad etc.

Pinkdelight3 · 31/01/2022 13:56

None of what she's saying about her predicament is remotely relevant to you. Will she be interested if you replied with all the stuff you have to do? Nope! She just wants you to help her and the bottom line is you can't. So tune out her problems, you've got a plateful of your own. Repeat - "Sorry can't help, I've got too much on. Hope you get it sorted!" and don't give it another thought.

SockFluffInTheBath · 31/01/2022 14:01

She’s a passive aggressive guilt trippy twat who you need to say no to before 2 days becomes 3 becomes 4…

Gosh, sounds tough. I’m up to my eyes and can’t help. Hope you find another mug/someone else to help out.

Cstring · 31/01/2022 14:11

One trick I have learned from MN is to just respond with ‘oh dear’ when someone presents you with a problem that isn’t yours to resolve. It would be perfect if she tries to get pushy about reducing her hours. She’s asking you to pick up her slack.

ElliotGoss · 31/01/2022 14:26

I used to have DN one full day and then 3 dinners a week. I love my sister and niece and would do anything to help but ongoing child care arrangements is such a tie. Especially if you have your own children who have to be put in the car for drop offs.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 31/01/2022 14:43

Just say no.

ChocolateMassacre · 31/01/2022 14:45

Wow, I can't believe she's asked you to do this.

This is not your problem to solve.

Tell her you're not a childminder and, if you were, she'd need to pay you.

Doing this is not fair on your own DC - they may want different friends to play or some peace and quiet in their own home.

Cstring · 31/01/2022 15:53

Doing this is not fair on your own DC - they may want different friends to play or some peace and quiet in their own home.

This is a really good point, my kids had always completely had it by the end of the school day and just needed some down time.

ChocolateHelps · 31/01/2022 16:16

A short awkward conversation, just a small moment in time, is far better than resenting her (& her child) for hours and hours (& hours & hours) every. single. week

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/01/2022 16:19

If that isn’t pushy I’d love to know what you think she’d say if she was really trying it on.

Her life, her responsibility.

cdba88 · 31/01/2022 17:59

I don't really get it? You can't do it, so say no, what's the problem?