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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed at how much mess my DP makes in the kitchen?!

39 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 30/01/2022 18:24

Ok so this is probably a bit petty in the grand scheme of life's problems, but it's annoying me and I want to know if I'm being unreasonable here.

DP and I take turns to cook, I'd say we probably have an almost 50:50 split in terms of who does it on a given evening. We also have a 9 month old baby so whoever isn't cooking is always occupied with the baby. We have an agreement that whoever didn't cook cleans the kitchen after tea, and the person who cooks takes over with the baby and does bath time.

However, here's the AIBU. My partner is the messiest cook in the world. I'm not exaggerating. It's like an absolute bomb site in the kitchen afterwards. I have no idea how he creates so much mess. I tend to clean up as I go along so there's little mess for him to sort, and the dishes/ pans I've used are rinsed as a minimum ready to go into the dishwasher. I wipe down any food spills on tops etc. He does none of this. There's food all over the tops, condiments and spices etc left out (takes 2 seconds to put them back in the cupboard), nothing is rinsed... Tonight he made homemade burgers - they were lovely but I've just had the pleasure of the absolute carnage he left behind to clean up while he baths the baby.

His take on it is: well I cooked, so you sort the kitchen. I do the same for you after you've cooked. But my point is: I leave hardly any mess for him to clean because I clean and tidy as I cook, so he has an easier job!

Do I need to get a grip and just clean the kitchen without complaining, or should he make more of an effort to clean as he goes?!

I mean, we're not on the brink of divorce over this but... I'm curious to know if I'm being unreasonable here!

OP posts:
violetbunny · 30/01/2022 18:27

YANBU. I would say form now on you're swapping it back so whoever cooks also cleans up, the other person has the baby the whole time. You can just swap nights that you're cooking. The setup you have now means there's no incentive for whoever is cooking to clean as they go.

Akire · 30/01/2022 18:27

It would me too, it’s fairer to clean up after yourself it’s not like the person who cooked gets sit down and relax they still have jobs to do with the baby. New rules clean up on your nights or make sure you leave kitchen in similar state. Take pictures to show the difference!

Kanaloa · 30/01/2022 18:28

Do I need to get a grip and just clean the kitchen without complaining, or should he make more of an effort to clean as he goes?!

Neither. Change it so from now on you cook and clean on your own nights. I’m sure he’ll somehow manage to make much less mess when he knows he’s got to clear it all up. It’s lazy and selfish.

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 18:29

Just change it so that whoever cooks washes up too. That way they can wash up as they go along if they choose to.

HNY2022mam · 30/01/2022 18:30

I’ve heard a lot of people have changed the rule to the one that cooks cleans for exactly this reason.

Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 30/01/2022 18:30

Why don't you make/leave a mess for him to clean? He might realise then how inconsiderate he is being.

EmpressCixi · 30/01/2022 18:31

YANBU
If he won’t start cleaning as he goes, then negotiate a new deal of whoever cooks, does the washing up too.

bluebear19 · 30/01/2022 18:32

YANBU same in my household.

Also... if my DH is cooking he takes FOREVER. His music on his headphones, dancing around the kitchen really enjoying himself, half reading a magazine at the same time, making a right old mess, probably got a beer on the go - and then I get even more annoyed as I'm with our one year old waiting for dinner or doing bedtime whilst he enjoys himself in the kitchen and then leaves a mess inevitably!!

I swear he doesn't notice how tidy I leave the kitchen after I have cooked.

museumum · 30/01/2022 18:33

Yeh I won’t clean up after dh. He’s a “tornado has been through here” cook and I’m a neat tidy one. We each clean our own cooking night.

Winniemarysarah · 30/01/2022 18:35

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

Why don't you make/leave a mess for him to clean? He might realise then how inconsiderate he is being.
I was going to say this. I’d return the favour of leaving it an absolute shit tip
Blinkingheckythump · 30/01/2022 18:40

Just don't clean as you go then it's even?

We have the rule of whoever cooks doesn't clean. 99% of the time I cook, usually whilst I have the baby too. Dp gets to clean up whilst I'm there to hold the baby. I'm not going to add to my part by cleaning up too. He's complained a couple of times about it. But I don't ask him to clean as he goes. In fact arguably I'd rather he didn't as it already takes him forever to cook anything as it is. Such a faffer

Suzi888 · 30/01/2022 18:42

YANBU
DH is a whirlwind of messy chaos - you have my sympathies FlowersCake

Opus17 · 30/01/2022 18:43

Agree with others. Just change it. Or stop cleaning up as you go.
I'm a messy cook and do the big clean up at the end. We all have our own ways.

bonetiredwithtwins · 30/01/2022 18:43

My DH cooks likes this - to the point it's hardly worth me having a night off cooking as it take a 5 times as long to tidy up. I wash/clean as I go so that by the time dinner is served the kitchen is immaculate and our plates just go in the dishwasher

He tries though so don't want to sound like an ungrateful nag

WinterOfOurDiscoTent · 30/01/2022 18:45

Yep. My DH only cooks an actual meal about once a year but every night, I wash up and clean the kitchen then nearly always come down to find a big mess in the morning from his late night snacks. Angry

TracyMosby · 30/01/2022 18:46

Thats a stupid agreement. Change it immediately. It should be whoever cooks, also cleans the kitchen. It makes much more sense.

Ive cooked tonight. By the time the meal is on the table ready to eat, rubbish is in the bin, the dish washer has been filled as i do it as i go along, and the odd things that do not go in the dishwasher are in a soapy sink ready to be washed after the meal. We eat. everyone then puts their plates and cutlery in the dishwasher. I switch the Dishwasher on. Do the small bit of washing up. Job done.

When Dh cooks, which is the majority of the time tbf, during the meal I'm distracted by the shit tip the kitchen is. It is a separate job to clean the kitchen as he does nothing as he goes along.

You just need to tell him, ‘this set up isn't working for me anymore. Whoever cooks should also clean up. It is really one job after all.’

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 30/01/2022 18:47

@bluebear19

YANBU same in my household.

Also... if my DH is cooking he takes FOREVER. His music on his headphones, dancing around the kitchen really enjoying himself, half reading a magazine at the same time, making a right old mess, probably got a beer on the go - and then I get even more annoyed as I'm with our one year old waiting for dinner or doing bedtime whilst he enjoys himself in the kitchen and then leaves a mess inevitably!!

I swear he doesn't notice how tidy I leave the kitchen after I have cooked.

Yes - mine's the same! Takes absolutely ages and watches films on his phone propped up on a little stand in the kitchen as he goes. I'm just in and out - get the job done and tidy as I go. It's almost worth me saying forget it I'll do all the cooking... but I do like his food so I can't complain too much! 😬

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 30/01/2022 18:49

Why not start leaving the kitchen in a similar state for him, wait for him to comment, then ask if he wants to tidy up as he goes along and you will again too

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 30/01/2022 18:49

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

Why don't you make/leave a mess for him to clean? He might realise then how inconsiderate he is being.

This will be hard for me to do as I can't stand leaving mess in the kitchen! But I may have to make a special effort as a one off to show him what it's like!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/01/2022 18:50

Nah just swap so who cooks cleans up. Means you will get to sit out your feet up whilst he's still bathing band putting DS to bed - win win for you!

DreamerSeven · 30/01/2022 18:53

He has no incentive to be tidier at the moment, I’d package up the cooking and dishes into one chore and let him clear up his own mess.

FanciedChange · 30/01/2022 18:57

Omg, same here. I think a fairer split might be 3 nights a week DH cooks and cleans up, 3 nights a week you cook and clean up, 1 night a week takeaway.

My DH literally flamboyantly throws the oven gloves across the kitchen instead of putting them back on the oven - I mean WHYYYY???

lucillelarusso · 30/01/2022 19:07

Whoever cooks also cleans, this is the way we do it. DH takes longer to clean up than I do to cook, eat and clean up! More fool him.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 30/01/2022 19:08

@FanciedChange

Omg, same here. I think a fairer split might be 3 nights a week DH cooks and cleans up, 3 nights a week you cook and clean up, 1 night a week takeaway.

My DH literally flamboyantly throws the oven gloves across the kitchen instead of putting them back on the oven - I mean WHYYYY???

😂 I find myself asking "why?!" too so many times when I clean up after him. Like, taking garlic bread out of a packet and leaving the packet on the worktop instead of putting it in the bin! It takes 2 seconds to put something in the bin. Why do they do this?!
OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 30/01/2022 19:09

This is my dp although thankfully he doesn't cook often. When he does he uses every pot, pan, utensil etc that we own.
He also for some reason always has to fry on the odd occasion he cooks so I have grease spattered all over the hob,splashback and worktops.
Greasy hands then all over every cupboard and door handle and food splattered on the floor and over the cupboard doors.
I actually don't know how he manages it