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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do 2 hours volunteering on a sunday morning when I have children.

47 replies

ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 14:32

I’m just trying to decide if I am or not seeing as I feel guilty for doing it. My youngest children are 14 and 11 and are hard to get out of bed at the best of times and the volunteering hours are between 10 am and 12 pm so they’re only be on thier own for 2 hours which they are more than capable off as they’re on thier own after school for a hour and a half anyway.

We suffered a traumatic bereavement last July and I’m now a single parent and my children are without thier beloved stepdad and I need to do something to help my sanity from sliding any further. It’s outdoors, working on a heritage project and it benefits the community and local schools and it is something I’m hoping my children will want to do further down the line.

However my ex isn’t keen as he doesn’t drive and wants me to drop the girls off at that time on a Sunday. He literally lives 1.5 miles away and could walk but says he’s too tired and ultimately I’m being a tad selfish as the girls don’t want to walk either.

I also feel guilty as it’s time I could spend with them but we don’t do much on a sun morning anyway. I do really need something for my mind though argh am I being selfish

OP posts:
Original poster
ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 14:33

I mean my dds go to thier dads every other sun in case people got confused

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2022 14:35

YANBU. You are getting up and out, meeting people, exercising and contributing to society on a day when your lazy ex husband has your DC.

He is so wrong to be guilt tripping you about this - it is really shameful that he is not supporting you.

gobbledygoook · 30/01/2022 14:37

It seems like a lovely idea!

Something for your mental health, whilst also giving back to the community? Sounds great.

I'm sure your DDs might not fancy a walk, but their Dad can arrange transport / bus / taxi / walk with them if he fancies doing something in those hours, if not - at that age I'd love being left alone for a few hours on a Sunday morning to veg about and play on my phone!

Being a bit selfish occasionally is a good thing, it sounds like a scenario when you need to put yourself first. The world won't stop for anyone if you do something for yourself once in a while.

MrsWooster · 30/01/2022 14:37
  1. It’s vital to your wellbeing that you do this /something to centre yourself in at least part of your life
  2. It’s not your problem /responsibility to facilitate your ex’s contact with the girls.
  3. You’re modelling self care AND social responsibility to your girls unlike your ex who is modelling helplessness and male entitlement
DartmoorChef · 30/01/2022 14:38

Yanbu. Your kids are old enough to get up and walk to their dads, and he sounds like a pretty bone idle waste of space if he can't be arsed to make any effort.

Akire · 30/01/2022 14:39

His contact time he sorts out getting girls there. Shouldn’t be up to you to drop off for a 25min walk. Presume that’s average walk into town or school anyway. You are not a taxi service. Or drop then off at 930 if you really feel guilty about it.

Not selfish to want use the time that they are in bed or laying a round on technophile not engaging with you anyway. You could just as easily be doing weekly shop for that long or cleaning. Go for it, hope it helps.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 30/01/2022 14:39

It's absolutely fine. They're old enough to walk or their dad can come and pick them up if he's so worried.

CanofCant · 30/01/2022 14:40

@MrsWooster

1. It’s vital to your wellbeing that you do this /something to centre yourself in at least part of your life
  1. It’s not your problem /responsibility to facilitate your ex’s contact with the girls.
  2. You’re modelling self care AND social responsibility to your girls unlike your ex who is modelling helplessness and male entitlement
Yes, I agree with this. YANBU at all, you are being very proactive. Your ex is at fault here (I'm sure he is everywhere else too!).
girlmom21 · 30/01/2022 14:40

I think it's a great idea. YANBU.
I'm very sorry for your loss Thanks

CecilyP · 30/01/2022 14:42

So he’s expecting you to give up this opportunity just to drive your girls to his house every other week. If the girls like a lie in, can they walk to his a little later. Or is there a bus they could catch? If he’s so concerned, perhaps he could pay for a taxi. YANBU!

womaninatightspot · 30/01/2022 14:42

At those ages they are fine to be left for a couple of hours. I'd offer to drop the girls off pre or post volunteering on his days or they are all welcome to walk if they need to be there at a specific time. If they have plans the girls can make sure they are up and ready to leave for 9:30 if not they can have a lie in and leave at 12.

I think that women often put themselves last when they have children but your needs and wants are important too!

Outlyingtrout · 30/01/2022 14:44

He has the gall to call you selfish whilst pressuring you to ferry his kids around to facilitate his contact? Cheeky fucker.

If he can’t be bothered to walk and doesn’t want to pay for a taxi then he needs to learn to drive. You aren’t his wife anymore. It is his responsibility to facilitate his contact with his kids.

Do the volunteering, OP. You need it.

Chloemol · 30/01/2022 14:46

It’s up to your ex to sort out how he sees the kids. Do the volunteering

Peachandpearl · 30/01/2022 14:46

Go for it! He can either pick them up before, or you can drop them after surely or vice Versa surely? It's 2 hours and he is being astonishingly selfish considering your recent bereavement and everything. The cheek calling you selfish! If he doesn't want to walk her should pay for a taxi for the kids. You're not the unpaid chauffeur FFs

Tal45 · 30/01/2022 14:46

If he doesn't want to walk then say you can drop the girls off before or after - and you're still being overly reasonable, you're entitled to some life and enjoyment!

megletthesecond · 30/01/2022 14:47

Yanbu.
For a healthy teen / adult 1.5 miles is barely a walk anyway.

RobertsRadio · 30/01/2022 14:47

It sounds like a wonderful opportunity Op. Your ex will have to make his own arrangements to get the girls to his. Not your problem if he doesn't drive and is a lazy entitled git. The girls are old enough to walk or bus it to him and the other weekends they will be fine.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers .

timeforteaforyouandme · 30/01/2022 14:49

He could walk and meet the girls half way if he's complaining that a 3 mile round trip is too far. Perfect length of walk for a Sunday morning

shouldistop · 30/01/2022 14:51

God, he's a lazy swine isn't he.

LiveFromNewYork · 30/01/2022 14:52

YANBU. Why are you the one who has to bend over backwards? It's not like you want to lie in the bath.

Branleuse · 30/01/2022 14:52

You dont need his permission. The kids are old enough to be left asleep one morning at the weekend

hypeman · 30/01/2022 14:55

@MrsWooster

1. It’s vital to your wellbeing that you do this /something to centre yourself in at least part of your life
  1. It’s not your problem /responsibility to facilitate your ex’s contact with the girls.
  2. You’re modelling self care AND social responsibility to your girls unlike your ex who is modelling helplessness and male entitlement
This.

You can drop your children before / after or your ex can walk.

Tulips21 · 30/01/2022 14:57

@Outlyingtrout

He has the gall to call you selfish whilst pressuring you to ferry his kids around to facilitate his contact? Cheeky fucker.

If he can’t be bothered to walk and doesn’t want to pay for a taxi then he needs to learn to drive. You aren’t his wife anymore. It is his responsibility to facilitate his contact with his kids.

Do the volunteering, OP. You need it.

Agree.

What a lazy twat.
Dont give into him at all

OfstedOffred · 30/01/2022 14:57

Your girls can walk.

If it's really unspeakable weather their dad can sort transport.

Original poster
ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 15:02

Oh thank you everyone. I did expect to be told by a few that I was bu.

Yes ex is a lazy father, lazy all round really. He’s said some horrible things to me to the dds especially about maintenance.. which I don’t get much off and he thinks transport costs for him to get the girls should be deducted from the maintenance as he doesn’t drive.

I know I know. I will do the volunteering, it’s something I’ve always wanted to do and there are learning opportunities with it too so I’ll be mad to not do it

OP posts:
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