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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do 2 hours volunteering on a sunday morning when I have children.

47 replies

ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 14:32

I’m just trying to decide if I am or not seeing as I feel guilty for doing it. My youngest children are 14 and 11 and are hard to get out of bed at the best of times and the volunteering hours are between 10 am and 12 pm so they’re only be on thier own for 2 hours which they are more than capable off as they’re on thier own after school for a hour and a half anyway.

We suffered a traumatic bereavement last July and I’m now a single parent and my children are without thier beloved stepdad and I need to do something to help my sanity from sliding any further. It’s outdoors, working on a heritage project and it benefits the community and local schools and it is something I’m hoping my children will want to do further down the line.

However my ex isn’t keen as he doesn’t drive and wants me to drop the girls off at that time on a Sunday. He literally lives 1.5 miles away and could walk but says he’s too tired and ultimately I’m being a tad selfish as the girls don’t want to walk either.

I also feel guilty as it’s time I could spend with them but we don’t do much on a sun morning anyway. I do really need something for my mind though argh am I being selfish

OP posts:

Lysianthus · 30/01/2022 15:19

Sorry for your loss. Do the volunteering, it will be great, and someone is bound to be along to confirm that he can’t deduct his travel from your maintenance ! What a Cf.

Ellie56 · 30/01/2022 15:30

Yes do the volunteering.

Your children are old enough to walk to see their lazy entitled twat of a father. You should not be facilitating his contact.

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/01/2022 15:34

Ex sounds like a twat, you absolutely should take this opportunity. I’m sure your dcs would want you to do something to make you happy, and at 11 & 14 it’s an ideal way for them to get a bit of independence at home too.

Sorry for your loss as well

Frauhubert · 30/01/2022 15:45

As you say- it’s an idle time in your household anyway. I used to do an outdoor activity on weekend mornings too and i remember it made me feel really good the whole day. You get a sense of purpose and that’s really important right now. Plus, then i was 11 and 14 I REALLY didn’t care what my mum was doing for a couple of hours on a Saturday. In fact, the time when i was home alone was delightful

deerison · 30/01/2022 17:21

Not that you should have to but if they refuse to walk, you could offer to take them over before you start?

Beetrootwithcarrot · 30/01/2022 17:26

I’m taking a slightly different stance here, because while the girls are fine to be left at 11 and 14, I think they have just undergone a bereavement, which you have too of course but tbh I’d want to keep things ticking over as normal for them for a while longer.

That’s an observation and not a criticism.

EmpressCixi · 30/01/2022 17:31

YANBU. It’s two hours and will benefit you and your girls. They are the perfect age to be home alone or walk 1.5miles to their DFs house. They might be a bit apprehensive, but will enjoy the freedom and responsibility once you are volunteering. It’s also you being a good role model as well. Go for it.

Akire · 30/01/2022 17:51

I presume the kids have been seeing their
Dad for few hours for years. The only difference is their mum isn’t going take them when ever they may be ready she’s getting up and out her self. Kids lazying around not being ready to be dropped 930 or doing a small local walk is not because they may or not be suffering from their stepfather dying.

It’s because they are teenagers and don’t want rush around on Saturday morning not because crying in to their cornflakes and OP should stay at home Being ignored while they play on the phone or Stay in bed. If they all up raring to go by 9 that would be different.

Original poster

ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 19:37

They’ve been used to me working full time hours since my husband died and are on thier own after school.

I think in hindsight the benefits outweighs everything else, both of them quite often aren’t up until half tennish anyway.

I’m going to do it. My ex will either have to walk to get them, get a taxi or move the times.

OP posts:

Blueeyedgirl21 · 30/01/2022 19:44

If they aren’t even up til 10.30-11 then they either get up earlier and are dropped at dads at 9.30 before you start or he just waits til your done and you get them after and get them to his for about 1pm OR he sorts it out himself the lazy you know what! Taxi to yours and back to his, 3 mile round trip. On a nice day, walk. So so simple, what a dick he is

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2022 19:47

Do volunteering. Either they walk to dads or he comes and gets them

hibbledibble · 30/01/2022 19:52

Can you drop them the night before to your ex?

Otherwise he can arrange his own transport, it's not your responsibility.

In short, yes, do it!

M1nd0fAMagp1E · 30/01/2022 19:53

Do the volunteering, you never know where it will lead to or who you will meet

MsAnnFrope · 30/01/2022 19:56

YABVVVR! Volunteering sounds great and a really positive step for your mental health.
Frankly, diddums to your ex, lazy fecker that he is. We have to be flexible on weekends for DSC sport commitments but we do it because they didn’t stop being DH kids when him and their mum divorced. He can walk or arrange transport.

TrundlingAlong · 30/01/2022 20:04

I'm sorry for your loss. And it's not selfish as long as you and your DC are happy with it.

Why does exH need to come and pick them up? What's 1.5 miles - about a 30 minute walk? Why can't they just walk over to him and walk back? (I appreciate this may not be safe if you live in the middle of nowhere.)

Original poster

ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 22:04

hibbledibble unfortunately he can’t do overnight stays. I stopped contact overnight as he lives in a shared house with strange men and I don’t think he can keep the girls safe over night there.

The volunteering can lead to other things and courses too. And I get to work with trees and flowers

OP posts:

Original poster

ghostmouse · 30/01/2022 22:07

I’m not keen on them walking as we live in a village and they’d have to walk on a main road with a narrow path which is very busy plus cross a very busy roundabout. Ok for the 14 year old but the 11 year old is a bit giddy sometimes

OP posts:

MasterBeth · 30/01/2022 22:29

Good for you - and sorry for your loss.

You sound great, your ex, not so much.

Hmmmm2018 · 01/02/2022 08:25

Sounds like you have been through a terrible time, look after yourself, you are Def not being unreasonable. Your children are old enough to be on their own for 2 hours on a Sunday and it is your ex's responsibility to collect his children on his day, especially with what you have been through, a mile and a half is really not far to walk, or if you have bikes would be no time at all on bikes. Make sure to take that time for yourself, if you don't look after your own well being then you won't be in the right frame of mind to look after your children. I hope the volunteering helps you through this time

Suzanne999 · 01/02/2022 08:34

Yanbu. Your ex is for expecting you to be a taxi service. His contact day, he arranges contact. Don’t let him guilt trip you.

KedgeIsland · 01/02/2022 08:37

Not only should you, but it’s an excellent idea. You need this.

Hmmmm2018 · 01/02/2022 08:44

To be fair, I have been through no particular stress recently but I take 4 hours to myself every other weekend as without that I am grumpy and I don't want to be a grumpy unhappy mum to my kids. I think by them seeing that it is important for me to look after myself they will hopefully also appreciate the importance of looking after their own well being.

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