Should partners working full time still help?

[Wazza89]

If one partner is a sahp and the other works 35 hours a week? Is it unreasonable to expect the sahp to do absolutely everything around the home? Including the bins, garden, picking up empty biscuit/crisp packets, etc.

I cannot figure out the voting.

But it’s not ok to do sod all at home if you have a job.

I would expect the SAHP to do the majority of stuff around the house during the working week eg cleaning, tidying, laundry, grocery shopping, home admin etc. The WOHP should be doing their share when they aren't working eg weekends and evenings.

I would expect the WOHP to pick up after themselves - it's hugely disrespectful to leave crisp packets/dirty laundry all over the place.

@Peachandpearl yes, I’ve seen this too and I think that’s why I’ve let it carry on… I didn’t want to be like that!

I made soup last night and put it on windowsill to cool. I was knackered and asked DH to put it in the fridge before he went to bed (he was up watching telly). Came down this morning and it was still there. He said, “I wouldn’t have eaten it anyway”. Ffs! Sorry about the swearing but come on! There was nearly a full joint of ham in there!

I was working 50 hour weeks in a nursery, came home did homework and reading books, did bath and bed time, cleaned up, made my own tea then sorted out what the kids and dad were having the next day for theirs, would put it in the slow cooker/prep it for him, I'd then wash and dry the clothes from the day before, food them, quietly put them away so as not to disturb the kids, wash, dry and iron my uniform, clean the cat litter trays out, feed the cats. Then in the morning I'd make sure the kids had brushed their teeth and DDs hair was done, the cats had food and water and clean litter trays, and pack DS2s lunch for the day as hes coeliac and allergic to tomatoes so has a packed lunch all before I left the house at 7 am

Now that's the opposite extreme to what you've got going on as I was doing pretty much everything with the house and kids on top of working, but it all boils down to the same thing.

Lazy men.

My advice. Get rid. Me and my children are so much happier with that lazy POS dragging us down.
I tried for years to make it work, I tried my best to get him to step up but if I didn't do it, it didn't get done full stop. Lazy men who expect you to practically wipe their arses rarely change. LTB.

Everyone should do basic stuff like put rubbish in the bin; put dishes in the sink/dishwasher/whatever the expectation is in your house; put their laundry in the basket etc.

One adult cleaning while the other looks after a toddler seems like a sensible division of labour. And I think both parents should appreciate what the other does, so I'm not sure why you don't think you should have to thank your partner - of course he should also thank you.

Without* that lazy POS dragging us down

Also they aren't helping. Adult partners, parents, don't help with the housework or do childcare for their kids. They do a percentage of the hands on parenting, housework, cooking and life admin. It's not a favour, they aren't 'helping her indoors' they are playing an active part in the raising of their kids, their diet, the maintenance and cleanliness of their clothes and their home environment. It's called being an adult. Kids help their parents. Partners/parents/spouses don't help at home. They share the responsibility.

In our house we tend to work things out to have equal downtime; my DH works pretty long hours so I do more during the week as my hours are shorter but at weekends I expect it to be equal

[quote Wazza89]@Peachandpearl yes, I’ve seen this too and I think that’s why I’ve let it carry on… I didn’t want to be like that!

I made soup last night and put it on windowsill to cool. I was knackered and asked DH to put it in the fridge before he went to bed (he was up watching telly). Came down this morning and it was still there. He said, “I wouldn’t have eaten it anyway”. Ffs! Sorry about the swearing but come on! There was nearly a full joint of ham in there![/quote]
That’s just incredibly rude!

Did his parents not teach him any manners?

Basically it should go this way: sahp does childcare and housework whilst working parent is at work. When working parent comes home, they should split what needs doing 50/50 and when everything is done both can relax.

This is what we do, we have 2 young children.
Bit of give and take of course, He prefers cooking so I'll clean up after, I can't stand putting away the washing so he'll do that and I do beds etc.
It's not fair for 1 parent, the Mam, to be always cleaning and doing housework OP.

Wow! The soup thing! Astonishingly rude. The dirty slob needs to pick up his wrappers too. What a dick.

[quote Wazza89]**@ShowOfHands* I tidy the lounge before bed, come down and there’s crisps and biscuit packets lying around. Psses me off!

Spent 3 hours yesterday sorting through DS’s clothes, cleaning the bathroom, and picking rubbish up from the spare room. Husband seems to think he’s doing me a favour staying downstairs with DS because apparently I have OCD and he knows I won’t relax until it’s done. Found myself thanking him then thought wtf?[/quote]
so what did your husband say when you asked him to pick up the crisps and biscuit packets? Would he have done it if you hadn't swooped in and tidied for him?

If you have OCD, are you doing more than needs to be done? I don't think it's fair to expect a partner to pick up jobs just because you're doing way more than is actually needed.

Cleaning the bathroom, sorting DS's clothes and picking up rubbish from the spare room is not really a 3 hour job unless you are using "picking up rubbish" as a euphenism for "sorting out years' worth of clutter".

I agree that the soup thing is very rude. And he could have put it in the fridge.

The main issue here seems to me to be as much about a basic lack of respect as it is about the actual division of labour. U think that is the issue that you need to tackle first, personally.

It's reasonable for the sahp to do the lion's share, but not everything! Age of kids obviously makes a difference but crisp packets should be picked up by the consumer of the crisp packet!!!

@RedskyThisNight I have thought of this myself, but thought if I was doing too much the bathroom wouldn’t have gotten in that state 🙈

I was putting ds clothes up on Facebook as I went along. Also went through all the products in the bathroom. It needed a deep clean!

If you both were working full time, you would both share the work and pay someone to look after your kids. This in itself implies that looking after the kids is work.
Therefore he should help out.
I have been both Sahp and full time working parent.
As a sahp it is mostly easier to do your jobs whilst looking after the kids, but some jobs need to wait until they are in bed or the weekend.
I think it is expected that the sahp does more of the work, but absolutely not everything. If you want to teach him a lesson, leave the kids with him on a weekend or day he doesn't work, go out for the day (library, museums, coffee shop, meet friends) come home and ask him if he's done the laundry, cleaned, hoovered, cooked tea- guarantee he'll say he couldn't because he was looking after the kids!

@Wazza89 reading your other thread of you "not wanting to work full time" I'd expect you to do the house stuff if you can't be arsed getting a job like every other mum has to do.. yet here you are writing many threads about how hard you have it, you know what is hard? Both parents working 50 hour weeks because they HAVE TO not because they want to.

In my house from toddlers onwards everyone clears up their own mess, puts plate into dishwasher, rubbish in bin etc. i would put the cooking pots into the dishwasher, turn on and empty though also I emptied the bins and dragged them down the lane for collection. This seemed fair. I did the washing and ironing but everyone put their washing into the laundry basket and over 5's put the clean clothes away. I shopped and cooked but if you wanted snacks you fetched your own if over a certain age and bought them too once teens!

If they are home every day then yes should do stuff around the home and share care if the kids.

I have OCD and dh uses that as an excuse not to do certain things, he knows how I want those things done though. I do most things around here because dh works away a lot, can be away from days to months at a time. I'm used to doing things solo and being on top of it allows him quality time with our 6 kids when he is home that he misses out on most of the time. When he is on leave for a chunk of time he will help out but I do still do the bulk. After he retires from his current career I will expect him to do much more around here as he will be home more. Each family has to find the right balance for them, you only get that by telling eachother how you feel in a calm manner.

If one partner is bringing in all the money, the other should do the majority of the house and child organising, but it seems unfair to expect them to do everything because 1) the home work is much longer hours 2) if they were both earning the home work would be shared jointly 3) if earning partner were single they’d still have to do the garden and empty their bins - unfair to non earning partner if they are expected to do everything.

picking up empty biscuit/crisp packets why aren't they being put in the bin? Thats disgusting.

It is only reasonable to expect you to do what you can while you're home and your partner is at work. Your priority is childcare, though, not cleaning. But you should be getting a fair amount of that sorted while your child is at school/nursery/preschool.

BUT, your job is not 24/7 while his is 40 hours a week in an office (or whereever). When your partner is at home, he has to pull his weight around the house in evenings and at weekends. That includes picking up after himself, his children, and doing his fair share of general chores and childcare.

Hmm. If your partner wants you to share more of the financial burden and you are refusing to do that, then I think you do need to suck up the domestic responsibility. Equally, though, he needs to be prepared to step up and do his fair share in order to facilitate to going back to work.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to refuse to work and demand that he does his share of the domestic stuff. The default position is that you are both equally responsible for earning the money, running the home and looking after your dc. Any deviation from an equal split of all of those responsibilities needs to be negotiated and agreed.

Leaving rubbish for you to pick up is unacceptable.

I would expect you to do more housework than your partner as you're at home more and don't have the commute time to the office. Your partner should be doing his fair share when he's at home: cooking, cleaning etc. And he shouldn't begrudge it. He should want to do it so the home is nice for the family.

I’m assuming the OP knows that if she goes back to work she would still be expected to do everything round the house including picking up rubbish that her partner has left lying around