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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

30th birthday and all that

52 replies

iwasgonnasay · 29/01/2022 23:46

Bloody fallen for the trap haven't! Always say I'm not fussed about my birthday "it's just another day" brigade. But 30 I thought would be special. I made a hell of a deal for DH 30th and spent a lot of money. Mine is on Monday and he's told me today he hasn't got me anything as "doesn't know what to get" and hasn't ordered me cards as "he forgot" (I don't see why I needed to know this? He could go and buy them tomorrow". Everyone keeps telling me, "About your birthday, we haven't arranged anything because we didn't know what you wanted or wanted to do?!" How come I manage to sort things and no one else does? Any other birthday I'd expect that, but 30?! It hasn't exactly crept up. People have said about me being 30 all month. It's hardly a shock...just a bit gutted that it's going to come and go like any other birthday when it's a pretty big one. I see all my friends on FB having parties with their balloons and specially made cakes and holiday gifts knowing im having a normal Monday night with a store bought same as every year cake thinking "thanks for the effort guys" 😐 really disappointed for getting my hopes up!

OP posts:

Lovinglavidaloca · 29/01/2022 23:52

Awwww OP. I turn 30 too this year and I absolutely know this is what’s going to happen to me. The warning signs are already there.

I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better but you are allowed to feel this way and your OH has been lazy and thoughtless.

Can you treat yourself to something really nice? I know it’s not the same though.

HeddaGarbled · 30/01/2022 00:02

There’s still time to book a pub/restaurant and go shopping.

When people said they didn’t know what you wanted to do, that was your prompt to tell them.

There seems to be this weird thing recently where people don’t seem to be able to have a birthday celebration unless someone else organises it as a surprise. This is a new thing. Most people I know organise their own parties.

Your partner is being useless about the card and present, though. Don’t let him get away with it. Shopping trip tomorrow.

Kite22 · 30/01/2022 00:08

Yes YABU.

Always say I'm not fussed about my birthday "it's just another day" brigade.

Don't say this, if you don't mean it.

Everything @HeddaGarbled said.

If you want a party / celebration / meal / night away / whatever, then arrange it. Or answer the people who have asked you.

There is no excuse for your dh not having even got you a card though. Present - the jury is out. Some people genuinely don't want people to buy them stuff, so that depends.

Justkeeppedaling · 30/01/2022 00:12

Everyone keeps telling me, "About your birthday, we haven't arranged anything because we didn't know what you wanted or wanted to do?!"

Could there be a surprise do in the offing?

Aprilx · 30/01/2022 00:20

I know the odd person that has had a party organised for them, but mainly people organise their own birthday dinners or drinks or whatever. If you wanted something then you should have done it, people have been wondering and waiting for you to take the lead by the sound of it.

I never fail to be amazed by the number of posters that don’t make any plans and then feel sorry for themselves because they don’t have plans.

CharlotteRose90 · 30/01/2022 00:21

Oh bless you. I was meant to go for my 30th in March 2020 to Paris with my ex. Then we split in February and lockdown happened in March so I did absolutely nothing. Shitty birthday and no one made an effort. Same for my 31st as again lockdown. Organise what you want to do. Do not rely on anyone. I’ve organised my own this year. I’m doing a 2 day spa trip with my mum and then meals out.

Original poster

iwasgonnasay · 30/01/2022 00:21

@Kite22 fair points with the info given, but have always said "it's not like it's my 30th" when husband apologises for not doing much on my birthday. I get it's a naff time of year for people after Christmas etc. But I've always thought organising your own birthday was a bit less exciting than people genuinely making an effort on your behalf? I did for DH? Special made cake, decorations, balloons delivery, shed load of presents and a day trip somewhere darn expensive! It's DH I'm disappointed in tbh? I certainly don't want a party, it's not my thing and everyone who knows me knows that. But some balloons and flowers and a family meal would be perfect. I know my family if they're doing that they would have done it for today - we always celebrate birthdays on the closest Saturday so everyone can be there. But nothing... No, it's definitely just one of those usual birthdays. I don't like to sound childish and honestly for any other birthday I've not been fussed, but 30 I've always said is a big deal. Just because I didn't book a meal for myself and tell everyone to turn up rather than it be taken care of for a change I seem to have missed the boat.. roll on 40?!

OP posts:

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 00:24

YABU people aren't mind readers OP. If you're not into birthdays then why would you be into a 30th one any more than a 25th,26th,27th,28th or 29th?

I see all my friends on FB having parties with their balloons and specially made cakes and holiday gifts

They probably communicated what they wanted and expected.

DiddyHeck · 30/01/2022 00:25

I made a hell of a deal for DH 30th and spent a lot of money.

That's fine if he's fussed about birthdays but you've said you're not

Original poster

iwasgonnasay · 30/01/2022 00:26

Also I'm the youngest on both sides of the family and everyone else's 30th we're arranged for them with plenty of notice to everyone and family meals / plans made in advance so I just don't get why mine has been so different? Unless it's just the covid affect where everyone's stopped bothering trying to plan in case it gets cancelled or they've just lost all enthusiasm for celebrating after the last 2 years...

OP posts:

Original poster

iwasgonnasay · 30/01/2022 00:33

@DiddyHeck your right. I've played down my disappointment in the past so as not to sound childish and ungrateful and assumed all past comments on 30th being different and special had been taken on board. I dont really like asking outright for something nice I like to make it clear what I like or expect and hope people follow through to maintain an element of surprise and celebration and that's clearly the downfall

OP posts:

JaceLancs · 30/01/2022 01:14

First thing Sunday morning start setting out your expectations (with reasonable limits for short time scale)
Eg “I hope you have booked somewhere nice for my birthday dinner”
Send an Amazon wish list if present buyers have prime
Or “if you haven’t had chance to sort my present yet - I’d really like a……for example weekend away - give timescales etc or I’d like a new bracelet we can go n choose something next pay day….
I know it’s not quite the same if the important people in your life don’t get it or have got it wrong but start communicating now what you want and keep it going
Over the years I’ve got better at telling people what I want and mostly it works for all of us
Can’t remember my 30th but had fab 40 and 50 and if they keep their game up 60 will be a ball

catwomando · 30/01/2022 05:58

Hey @iwasgonnasay you are not being childish to want your nearest and dearest to mark a special occasion by showing you some love (and have aright to be upset about this.

In my 1st marriage my 'D'H was the same. He made no effort at all and I seethed and put up with it. He totally fucked up my 30th , even after I'd told him the ONE simple thing I'd like to do. We eventually split. In contrast my now DH (who is very much D) is the opposite and it feels so fabulous to be demonstrably loved and thought about

You really need to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel, it's not about a huge party per se, but about being tuned into what you would like and want, to have some imagination, for him to take the time to ask your friends and family what they think you'd like, to get off his arse and to actually do something. Not to even get a card is shitty and contemptible and you feel unloved as a result. Don't sulk, tell him. It's too late probably for this year but maybe he will listen and step up in future. He needs a shock and a kick up the arse. Be blunt, be direct and prepare for the excuses and the 'you didn't tell me' line, it's his job as your DH to do things to make you happy and feel special, as you do for him. Put any denials /rebuttals straight back at him. This is on him, not you and is bigger than just a birthday IMO.

I wish you luck and, most importantly a happy birthday. 30 is a big milestone and I hope you are happy

DockOTheBay · 30/01/2022 06:19

Always say I'm not fussed about my birthday "it's just another day" brigade.
This will be why people are treating it like just another day then. Sorry but I don't think you can expect people to know you're suddenly wanting a big birthday when you've never shown any interest before.

You probably should have mentioned it to people a while back if you had changed your mind.

However, it's not too late to do something. Text your friends and find out who is free, book a meal out for the day. It's a Monday in January so it's unlikely that anywhere will be booked up.

bonetiredwithtwins · 30/01/2022 06:19

I can understand your disappointment- I always end up thinking up and organising everyone else's birthday and Christmas presents and "big" birthdays and it's never reciprocated. Or I'll get a promise of a present that never materialises

To be honest I'd make it clear you are disappointed in everyone's lack of effort - wait until after the day just to make sure there are no surprises in the offing but I would be saying something

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/01/2022 06:24

@JaceLancs

First thing Sunday morning start setting out your expectations (with reasonable limits for short time scale) Eg “I hope you have booked somewhere nice for my birthday dinner” Send an Amazon wish list if present buyers have prime Or “if you haven’t had chance to sort my present yet - I’d really like a……for example weekend away - give timescales etc or I’d like a new bracelet we can go n choose something next pay day…. I know it’s not quite the same if the important people in your life don’t get it or have got it wrong but start communicating now what you want and keep it going Over the years I’ve got better at telling people what I want and mostly it works for all of us Can’t remember my 30th but had fab 40 and 50 and if they keep their game up 60 will be a ball

I agree with this post but also being "master of your own destiny". Your birthday isn't here yet! What do you want to do?

For me, i think I'd get in some really nice breakfast foods & champagne etc on Sunday ahead if your birthday.
On the day itself a bit if a lie in and have an awesome brunch, then a massage and manicure and then maybe home to take the dog for walk somewhere a bit different. Late afternoon snack (maybe cake?) Leisurely get ready and then somewhere nice for a couple of cocktails before a fancy dinner.

Alternatively I'd have a ring round and see about a last min spa deal do brunch spa then cocktails and dinner.

Personally I wouldn't bother getting into it toooo much before your birthday so as not to sour the day but I would outline reasonable requests like "I expect a nice cake n x or y flavor from a or b" and a card with thoughtful message and champagne (or whatever you want) to your DH. I would set a reasonably low bat and sort it out myself.
I'd have a nice day and after I would calmly do a 30th birthday comparison of his vs yours and say "so does this seem fair/right/okay?" When you get the sas gave and guilt trip of " I didn't know", "but I thought... " just say " I don't want to discuss it further. Now you do know and I expect better going forward"

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 30/01/2022 06:27

So you are fussed about birthdays but just want to seem like you’re not?

booplefloof · 30/01/2022 06:55

I understand. DH is also not so good at presents and hates the hassle of parties. For his birthday, he always wants the same thing... a BBQ.

When it came to my 40th, I organised my own party. I knew what I wanted and I told DH that I would do it all, his present to me was to tidy up afterwards.

It was a brilliant party, absolutely what I wanted and one of the best nights of my life. I wasn't disappointed, because I organised everything myself.

Since then... quiet birthdays all round.

So... whilst I understand what you mean, YABU to expect him to suddenly change. Take matters into your own hands.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/01/2022 07:06

@iwasgonnasay Happy 30th Birthday 🎁 🎂🥂🍻🍷🎉🎊 for tomorrow.

Darbs76 · 30/01/2022 07:24

That’s really disappointing OP. He could have at the very least ordered some balloons and a special cake. Asking where you’d like to go for a meal takes seconds. He could have asked your family and booked a table. What effort is that? Hardly any. For my 40th I arranged a special trip with a friend, not on our actual birthdays but inbetween, we went to New York. I knew no-one else would arrange anything special so did it for myself. Your DP should hold his head in shame. I’d let him know you’re disappointed too. We all don’t know what to get people, but spend a bit of time at the shops or browsing the web. Buying a card takes what, minutes. Happy birthday OP

phishy · 30/01/2022 07:32

How do you plan to address it, OP?

SartresSoul · 30/01/2022 07:35

Don’t say you aren’t bothered about your birthday if you actually are very bothered about it, it’s a silly thing to do. I’m genuinely not arsed about mine, I’d like to go for a family walk in the Dales but that’s all I’m bothered about. I’d never tell DH that’s what I wanted if I actually wanted him to present me with a bouquet of flowers and a diamond necklace before jetting me off to Paris for the weekend. Silly.

MondayYogurt · 30/01/2022 07:37

All I did for my 30th was cry all day.

Yuckypretty · 30/01/2022 07:45

I really don't think many people have surprise parties and the rest are arrange or at least partly arranged by the birthday person. My husband wouldn't initiate doing something for me since he's not big on birthday s for himself. But if I instruct him he'll happily do it and add in a few extras. I find knowing who's coming and not coming the most stressful bit, so I don't involve myself in that bit and let husband keep on top of that.

I think you should give your partner some advise on what you want. It's not too late. For example tell him you want him to invite all your friends and book a table and choose a cake for you for next weekend. And buy you a thoughtful gift and a card with some thoughtful words in it. Job done on your side.

saltandpepper234 · 30/01/2022 07:52

YANBU to feel upset OP but people aren’t mind readers.

I have categorically told my DP in no uncertain terms that I want a big fuss for my 30th (this year). I have also told my parents AND his that I have asked DP to arrange a fuss. If the fuss doesn’t happen I will be pissed off because I have been telling them for a year that’s what I want.

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