30th birthday and all that

[iwasgonnasay]

Bloody fallen for the trap haven't! Always say I'm not fussed about my birthday "it's just another day" brigade. But 30 I thought would be special. I made a hell of a deal for DH 30th and spent a lot of money. Mine is on Monday and he's told me today he hasn't got me anything as "doesn't know what to get" and hasn't ordered me cards as "he forgot" (I don't see why I needed to know this? He could go and buy them tomorrow". Everyone keeps telling me, "About your birthday, we haven't arranged anything because we didn't know what you wanted or wanted to do?!" How come I manage to sort things and no one else does? Any other birthday I'd expect that, but 30?! It hasn't exactly crept up. People have said about me being 30 all month. It's hardly a shock...just a bit gutted that it's going to come and go like any other birthday when it's a pretty big one. I see all my friends on FB having parties with their balloons and specially made cakes and holiday gifts knowing im having a normal Monday night with a store bought same as every year cake thinking "thanks for the effort guys" 😐 really disappointed for getting my hopes up!

There seems to be this weird thing recently where people don’t seem to be able to have a birthday celebration unless someone else organises it as a surprise. This is a new thing. Most people I know organise their own parties.

This!
DH & I arranged our own joint 30th birthday party many years ago, The thought that someone else would do it as a surprise didn’t cross our minds. We just got in with it and invited all our friends/family to a party at our house.

I would always expect to host my own significant birthday party. DH and I are now thinking we’ll have a big blow out holiday (with dc) on our next milestone birthday, and no party, as that’s more important to us.

People are useless, sort it yourself! I definitely spend the same as you did for your dh!

I get it op. I'd be having strong words with your H about this.

For my 30th, I arranged my own party, then arranged to go away with DH. We were out together when we happened to see a nice ring in the window of a jewellers so he bought it for me and kept it for my birthday a few months later.

I didn't expect him to be a mind-reader and I don't have the sort of friends who would arrange a surprise. So I had to do it myself.

My DH actually said to me this year it's quite difficult because you have to up the ante for a milestone birthday but I genuinely don't need or want anything, so have told him not to worry about something expensive (he bought me a new running watch for Christmas anyway which wasn't cheap).

So if you do care, sort it out yourself. And tell him what you want.

@Justkeeppedaling

Everyone keeps telling me, "About your birthday, we haven't arranged anything because we didn't know what you wanted or wanted to do?!"

Could there be a surprise do in the offing?

Yes I was wondering that...

But I've never liked that idea - the birthday person doesn't have time to enjoy it in advance, get dressed up, etc... they may be feeling sad in advance that nothing is happening like the OP - and then suddenly gets mobbed by guests, and may wish they were more ready and feeling party ish. I imagine some people like that kind of surprise but I'd really hate it

[quote iwasgonnasay]@Kite22 fair points with the info given, but have always said "it's not like it's my 30th" when husband apologises for not doing much on my birthday. I get it's a naff time of year for people after Christmas etc. But I've always thought organising your own birthday was a bit less exciting than people genuinely making an effort on your behalf? I did for DH? Special made cake, decorations, balloons delivery, shed load of presents and a day trip somewhere darn expensive! It's DH I'm disappointed in tbh? I certainly don't want a party, it's not my thing and everyone who knows me knows that. But some balloons and flowers and a family meal would be perfect. I know my family if they're doing that they would have done it for today - we always celebrate birthdays on the closest Saturday so everyone can be there. But nothing... No, it's definitely just one of those usual birthdays. I don't like to sound childish and honestly for any other birthday I've not been fussed, but 30 I've always said is a big deal. Just because I didn't book a meal for myself and tell everyone to turn up rather than it be taken care of for a change I seem to have missed the boat.. roll on 40?![/quote]

Do it for next weekend.

Decide on your favourite restaurant - ask your fave people and family to come.
SAY hey, it's my 30th, come and celebrate with me - prezzies very welcome!

And tell your DH to get his butt down the shops today and buy you a card some flowers and something you'd really like. Or take him to a jewellers and choose something you like to mark the day (or a new picture for the wall, or whatever floats your boat).

But I'd just grab it and sort it yourself.
I've got some lovely prezzies from DH and family over years, but they normally need a big hint and a shove in the right direction on presents.

You have to really pay attention to people to know what they'd like as a present, and many people just don't seem able to do this. They need a clear steer. It may not be quite as romantic as people making a spontaneous gesture and getting you the perfect gift, but in reality I find that rarely happens. I find it annoying too as I like buying presents for others and think I generally get things they really like - but I've realised other people just don't seem to have that skill set 😆

Happy 30th Birthday for Monday @iwasgonnasay

🥂🍾🎈⭐️🌈🎁🎉🎂🧁🍸

I always want a big deal made of my birthday and I tell people that. Don't say you don't want a fuss if you really do!

There's still a full day for him to make an effort - order flowers, buy a nice cake, get cards, get a nice present. Make it clear this morning that you'll be really disappointed if he was being serious about what he said.

Then don't say "you're not fussed" or give people no guidance when they ask, if you really ARE fussed!

Many, many people are hopeless hint-getters. Sometimes you just need to use your actual adult words and say what you want.

I’ve always arranged my own birthday celebrations. I was single for my 30th so arranged nights out with friends. My 40th I wanted to celebrate so I again organised celebrations with family and friends. Not a big party just meals out or gatherings. This was pre pandemic. Organising things is different now because of the pandemic but people can’t mind read. They may not realise you want to do anything if you haven’t said oh let’s get together for my birthday or I want to really celebrate my 30th next year.

Send a text around to loved ones or friends and just say time has ran away with you and it’s short notice but is anyone up for a meal/night out for my 30th birthday in the next couple of weeks as you’d love to mark the occasion. It doesn’t have to be on your birthday.

As for your husband he needs telling. Tell him you are really disappointed he couldn’t even make the effort to sort a card. That’s not on that you want to at least mark your 30th. He has today to go shopping and to sort a card and some kind of present. Even if he was truly stuck. A voucher, flowers, alcohol chocolates, a balloon! Surely he knows if you wear jewellery or have an interest etc. It’s really not that hard. I found out that when we are shopping/browsing or just chatting my partner makes notes of things I like etc so he can use that for gifts. Very bloody organised!

All good and reasonable points! Clarification though, my DH knows me very well. When I say I'm not fussed about my birthday I mean it doesn't need to be a song and dance every year that's expensive and involves more than the usual birthday celebrations! We don't have to go somewhere to celebrate we can have a nice takeaway and watch a movie. Not nothing at all! But again, for a 30th I'd expect more fuss than that and yes optimum word there was expect. That's because everyone's 30ths so far have been planned and they've been told "we've booked a restaurant we're all going" etc not that the birthday person can't decide to do their own thing too, it's not always done on the day of their birthday if they want to do something else, but we usually book a restaurant for a family meal and there's balloons and a cake you know? And this time no ones done it for me. I know they haven't because it wouldn't be a surprise we don't do surprise parties because like you say the birthday person doesn't get much time to enjoy it. We'd always tell them when the meal was booked and check they're happy etc this year has just been a flop. And he actually did ask me what I'd want as money is tight and I did tell him. He's told me today he wasn't sure if that's what I still wanted... THIS is probably why I'm annoyed! I just wanted the same as everyone else had fuss wise and the gift I'd asked for! To tell me you didn't know for sure and haven't got me a card yet just pissed me off. If I'd woken up Monday to nothing I'd be less pissed off than being warned I've got nothing in advance?! Definitely no surprises coming I'll just get a card from the supermarket, probably a takeaway and my present next month. To those who organise their own birthdays I get that, but that's just not what we've done in our families, people usually do it for you as a nice gesture to celebrate you. Don't worry I feel silly after venting it because it shouldn't be a big deal to a grown up I know but there's something about specifically being told he hasn't done ANYTHING like it's come as a shock that it's even my birthday is annoying. He spends his life on his phone and he could have ordered cards and a gift in minutes ..he got a hand made card for his 30th for god sake and he can't even go on Moonpig for me?!
Birthday rant over I think, I'll just order my own next year and give it to him to send haha

@iwasgonnasay

All good and reasonable points! Clarification though, my DH knows me very well. When I say I'm not fussed about my birthday I mean it doesn't need to be a song and dance every year that's expensive and involves more than the usual birthday celebrations! We don't have to go somewhere to celebrate we can have a nice takeaway and watch a movie. Not nothing at all! But again, for a 30th I'd expect more fuss than that and yes optimum word there was expect. That's because everyone's 30ths so far have been planned and they've been told "we've booked a restaurant we're all going" etc not that the birthday person can't decide to do their own thing too, it's not always done on the day of their birthday if they want to do something else, but we usually book a restaurant for a family meal and there's balloons and a cake you know? And this time no ones done it for me. I know they haven't because it wouldn't be a surprise we don't do surprise parties because like you say the birthday person doesn't get much time to enjoy it. We'd always tell them when the meal was booked and check they're happy etc this year has just been a flop. And he actually did ask me what I'd want as money is tight and I did tell him. He's told me today he wasn't sure if that's what I still wanted... THIS is probably why I'm annoyed! I just wanted the same as everyone else had fuss wise and the gift I'd asked for! To tell me you didn't know for sure and haven't got me a card yet just pissed me off. If I'd woken up Monday to nothing I'd be less pissed off than being warned I've got nothing in advance?! Definitely no surprises coming I'll just get a card from the supermarket, probably a takeaway and my present next month. To those who organise their own birthdays I get that, but that's just not what we've done in our families, people usually do it for you as a nice gesture to celebrate you. Don't worry I feel silly after venting it because it shouldn't be a big deal to a grown up I know but there's something about specifically being told he hasn't done ANYTHING like it's come as a shock that it's even my birthday is annoying. He spends his life on his phone and he could have ordered cards and a gift in minutes ..he got a hand made card for his 30th for god sake and he can't even go on Moonpig for me?! Birthday rant over I think, I'll just order my own next year and give it to him to send haha

I get it op. The lack of effort and respect. Be mad, it's ok to be even as an adult.

And for his birthday, do the same for him.

Make sure him tell him how disappointed you are In him. It's really cruel on any birthday but especially on a big birthday when you're made a fuss of him

Maybe there are plans and it's going to be a surprise.

I don't get why adults feel they don't deserve to have a fuss made over them for their birthday or that birthday celebrations are just for kids. If you don't like it, fair enough, but if you do, say so! Don't say you don't and expect it to happen anyway. That's just thick on your part. It's your birthday, if you want a fuss, have it! I like it, it's one fucking day of the year. If people in my life can't make a small fuss for that one day, like a card and maybe a small gift if they can (unless something bigger and emergency like came up), then they clearly aren't that important in my life. I do it for them if they want it. Doesn't need to be a big party, it's not an all or nothing deal. I like to spend my birthday not working, spend time with the people I love, doing things I love and eating food I love. Not a big deal. But it's nice to be just treated for a day. If you want it, ask for it. Don't be all coy and pretend you don't.

I think this situation is just horrible! How difficult is it to arrange a cake,card and dinner out (or takeout?) Don't let other people on here criticize you for wanting a milestone birthday celebrated by the person supposed to love you the most! I'd go buy a beautiful cake and a nice meal and a gift (on a credit card if necessary) and tell him how hurt you are. It's shit. Happy birthday!

Not too late to book a spa day and restaurant and order a cake. Tell your DH this eve s what you want and if he has to work tmw, do it next wknd.

I think it's partly Jan birthdays are always a bit shit (as someone who also has a Jan birthday), but I also think your DH is being an arse and needs pulled up on it so this doesn't happen again. If I were you I'd also start arranging something special to look forward to, a city break or spa day with friend etc, preferably without your DH since he couldn't be arsed to organise it himself!

We were a bit skint for my 30th as we'd just bought a house and furlough etc, middle of lockdowns too so difficult to plan things. My DH made an IOU voucher for a trip away in the summer (which we did) and then afternoon tea and cake arranged from the local bakery, invited close friends around and hosted them, flowers and card. It was lovely and didn't cost much time or money from him. The key was his effort into making it still feel like a special day, no flashy gifts or parties etc but that was fine!

Birthday rant over I think, I'll just order my own next year and give it to him to send haha

So continue being passive and making a big deal for his and your family’s birthday then. 🙄

Happy Birthday op. Yes a bit of effort agree. Im January I find zero effort by people as after xmas. Anyway I hope you do something nice.

Happy Birthday @iwasgonnasay !
I think you ought to put the same effort into your DP'd birthday that he does for yours from now on.

Tbh, I would be so hurt at being taken for granted that I would probably be crying all day. It is the thought that counts. I am sure he could have baked you a cake, even if it meant that he bought a cake mix and a can of frosting.

I hope you do have a nice day in the end.

@iwasgonnasay HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY 🥳

May there be and shenanigans of some sort.

Thank you everyone for the lovely messages! Well I listened to what you all said and on Sunday I did tell him I was surprised he hadn't done anything as I thought I'd made it pretty clear what I'd like and that I was quite upset. He was shocked but said he was worried about getting it wrong as he wanted to do a lot more but was worried about money and thought I'd be mad if he went OTT. Said I understood that and I didn't expect OTT just the gift I'd asked for and a meal or takeaway with a bit of celebration! That obviously did the trick as he seemed to spend Monday whilst I was at work making up for it. He went and got the present and a couple of small things, a cake, some balloons, cards and we had a lovely takeaway with plenty of wine. Very happy birthday girl after that. I'm glad I listened and made my point, thank you all for your support. I'll be more blunt in future! 🥳

Ah I'm so glad you spoke up and he listened!!! Hope you had a fab day OP

Always say I’m not fussed about my birthday

So what do you expect?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy all the posts above, don't need to do anything other than the usual birthday cake present and card. Not ignore it all together. But it's all been handled and I had a great birthday, thanks 😊