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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lied.

48 replies

HaventAScooby · 29/01/2022 21:22

I'll try to keep succinct. NC.

I have a DD15 who I'm incredible proud of, she's bright, sociable, mature, level headed, academic, capable etc etc. The list goes on. (Yes I'm biased).

She has lots of lovely friends and likes to spend her free time with her closest friends.

Recently the time with her friends has steadily increased and we've had a discussion about capping it to two nights a week. She's agreed as she's in GCSE year 1 and needs to focus on school work (not that she doesn't).

DD's Dad and I have split (10 years), I wouldn't say it was a particularly amicable split - he cheated. I've moved on and it's water under the bridge. The majority of the time, we speak only when necessary.

We differ in opinion on parenting. I'm a lot more relaxed than he is. I know where my DD is and Insist on dropping off and picking her up, always.

He doesn't think she should be seeing friends in the week so if she does see people we don't mention it as he gets annoyed / frustrated by this. I would like not to lie but it's easier than dealing with the difference of views.

I told him a fib about her outing in the week and I've been found out. He's given her third degree where, who, what, where do the people live etc.
He's now questioned me and because of his controlling behaviour when we were together, it's triggered my anxiety. It's made me feel like I'm a rubbish parent.

If you have DC around this age, what freedom do you allow them to have? Have I let her have too much? (Even if I know where she is / insist she's safe / have capped).

So I guess, AIBU to have lied and was he right to question me?

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 29/01/2022 21:38

I'm sorry he's making you feel that way. He can't control what happens when she's with you. And I think it's a good thing socialising with friends.

spotcheck · 29/01/2022 21:40

How late is she staying out?

Original poster
HaventAScooby · 29/01/2022 21:41

Always picked up by 8pm.

OP posts:
FoamBurst · 29/01/2022 21:43

Just tell him he can't control what you allow and visa versa.
Thats all you need to say
You don't have to explain anything.

A family court told us this. When dhs ex tried to say in his half the holidays he wasn't to get childcare it had to be him. The judge told her she was ridiculous. He doesn't dictate how she arranges childcare and she certainly can't. The judges words were 'or could be your next door neighbours brothers aunt' but providing the dc is cared for and is safe that's all that matters.

Likewise with any situation. There's probably things she doesn't agree with when dsc is here but equally there's things we don't agree with but we keep that to ourselves. Because dh and his ex are the parents and can parent how they wish.

FoamBurst · 29/01/2022 21:44

That should have said he wasn't to get childcare for when he works.

Isgooglebroken · 29/01/2022 21:44

He’s expecting her to stay in and study and never see friends during the week? That would make her miserable and less likely to do well surely!

Why were you even speaking to him about her outing during the week? Not that it matters.

You shouldn’t have to lie but he should accept that, what she does when she is with you, is with your permission and that you also have her best interests at heart.

DysmalRadius · 29/01/2022 21:46

It's a shame that you felt your only recourse was to lie to him because you're now in a situation that is untenable for you and your daughter. If you're lying to him, and asking your daughter to do so as well, you're putting yourself in the wrong, when I think your reasoning behind the rules you've set is actually sound. Do you think you'd be able to say to him that you want to stick with your current arrangement and will continue with it? Your daughter needs to know that you will have her back in this situation, especially if he's controlling, as she needs to know that lying tu someone to keep the peace isn't a longterm solution.

Hapoydayz · 29/01/2022 21:50

It's none of his business how you parent in your time, obviously as long as no abuse. Plus picked up by 8 at that age is very early. Little kids get picked up from brownies at that time. He is being ridiculous and trying to control your DD to an unhealthy level.

Soul11Soul · 29/01/2022 21:51

When your child is in your care, your rules apply. When she is in his care, his rules apply. Neither should be commenting on or undermining the other, but more importantly neither should be angry or annoyed with the child for doing something they were given permission to do or interrogating them in order to get one over on the other parent. Ultimately, he's being an ass to stop her seeing friends during the week. You should not have lied because it almost never works out. Be straight with him and explain you have given her permission to see friends.

MeanMrMustardSeed · 29/01/2022 21:52

Well done on raising such a wonderful young woman, largely on your own. You’re not being unreasonable. He is ridiculous.

NumberTheory · 29/01/2022 21:52

The problem here isn’t what your DD is doing. It’s that 10 years after you split you still haven’t developed good boundaries with your ex. And you are letting him control you and, by the sounds of it, teaching your daughter that being controlled by a man is normal.

He has no say in how you day-to-day parent DD when she’s under your roof. His concern about your parenting needs to be limited to whether you are actually bad for her, not whether you parent the way he wants to parent her. You are well, well within the boundaries of good parenting. As others have said, you just need to tell him he has no say in how you parent. But if you find you can’t do that, consider therapy or the Freedom Program from Women’s Aid to help you develop the skills you need to recognise how much he’s over the line and how to maintain your boundaries.

TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky · 29/01/2022 21:57

I have a 15 year old who's allowed out in the week as long as homework is done.

Your ex isn't parenting by laying down rules that harsh, he's attempting to control both of you and it's weird.

frazzledasarock · 29/01/2022 21:58

I allowed my DC’s to go out at that age because otherwise they would have seriously driven themselves crazy cooped up inside trying to study and getting burnt out.

So long as your DD is keeping up with school work, she should be allowed to have down time and relax and socialise with her friends.

Besides which if you don’t let her have a reasonable amount of autonomy over her life she’ll just sneak behind your back.

Your DD sounds sensible you sound like you both have a well balanced happy mother and DD relationship.

Tell your ex you are not discussing your parenting decisions with him.
He’s controlling and abusive. And if he continues your dd won’t want to have contact with him for much longer.

TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky · 29/01/2022 21:58

@NumberTheory

The problem here isn’t what your DD is doing. It’s that 10 years after you split you still haven’t developed good boundaries with your ex. And you are letting him control you and, by the sounds of it, teaching your daughter that being controlled by a man is normal.

He has no say in how you day-to-day parent DD when she’s under your roof. His concern about your parenting needs to be limited to whether you are actually bad for her, not whether you parent the way he wants to parent her. You are well, well within the boundaries of good parenting. As others have said, you just need to tell him he has no say in how you parent. But if you find you can’t do that, consider therapy or the Freedom Program from Women’s Aid to help you develop the skills you need to recognise how much he’s over the line and how to maintain your boundaries.

The OP is not the problem.

The fact that you're trying to blame her is not ok.

Sideswiped · 29/01/2022 22:00

Your reply should be, along the lines of what some PP have said:
'I trust that you will use your judgement in what DD should do when she is with you. In the same way, when DD is with me, I will decide what is appropriate and will keep her safe.'
He can't argue with that, and as DD is 15, he will seriously risk her staying with him if he is too strict in what she can / cannot do.
If DD chooses not to have contact because he wants to be too controlling, that's his lookout. (At 15, she will have her opinion listened to by any court.)
As an aside, does your DD know what is going on? Has he told her he doesn't approve? If he has, support her in speaking to her dad. If he hasn't, just quietly let her know: 'Oh, just so you know, your Dad isn't happy that you're seeing your friends on school nights'. In that way, you're not leading her to come to a conclusion, you're just telling her the situation.

Woofwoofbarkbark · 29/01/2022 22:01

You probably feel anxious because you lied and got found out. The guilt, embarrassment and anxiety ate consequences of that. Even if your ex wasn't abusive I think you'd still feel that way because adults don't normally lie.

I thought only seeing friends twice a week was too little. So to find out your ex thinks it's too much is strange.

You need to apologise for lying. Especially to your DD. You've taught her a bad lesson and put her in the middle of your bad relationship with her Dad.

I'd email/text your ex and let him know that DD is allowed out twice a week when she is with you. He can stick to his own rules.
End of conversation.

Don't lie to your ex again and don't drag DD into your lies either.

I was allowed out every night as a teenager. I passed all exams, went to college and uni and turned out a decent adult. (I am not clever and struggled academically!)

PugInTheHouse · 29/01/2022 22:03

I allowed my Y10 DS way more freedom than that TBH, I was thinking YABU but then saw you XH wanted to allow even less. DS I'd now Y11 and I wouldn't limit him to 2 nights now. When he's actually sitting his exams perhaps. He is similar to your DD so I trust he will work hard enough.

I would have lied in your position so YANBU. I wouldn't even discuss with him what your DD does when she's at yours.

Sideswiped · 29/01/2022 22:04

For those posters who are telling OP she should apologise, if I were in her shoes? Would I fuck.
I identify with OP and don't think she has any kind of ulterior motive. She has said what she has said, and done what she has done only for the sake of her daughter.

TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky · 29/01/2022 22:05

@Woofwoofbarkbark

You probably feel anxious because you lied and got found out. The guilt, embarrassment and anxiety ate consequences of that. Even if your ex wasn't abusive I think you'd still feel that way because adults don't normally lie.

I thought only seeing friends twice a week was too little. So to find out your ex thinks it's too much is strange.

You need to apologise for lying. Especially to your DD. You've taught her a bad lesson and put her in the middle of your bad relationship with her Dad.

I'd email/text your ex and let him know that DD is allowed out twice a week when she is with you. He can stick to his own rules.
End of conversation.

Don't lie to your ex again and don't drag DD into your lies either.

I was allowed out every night as a teenager. I passed all exams, went to college and uni and turned out a decent adult. (I am not clever and struggled academically!)

What the fuck?!

Are you serious?!

PugInTheHouse · 29/01/2022 22:05

Sorry that read badly, what i meant to say is that I wouldn't even discuss anything with him from now on.

PugInTheHouse · 29/01/2022 22:06

And definitely do not apologise to him for lying!

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2022 22:08

Have people forgotten how to say ‘fuck off’?

He’s a prick. Your daughter is clearly doing great.

He’s done a number on you if you are doubting yourself. Support your daughter. He’ll drive her away if he carries on and it will be his fault.

HikingforScenery · 29/01/2022 22:08

The worst thing for me is lying in cahoots with your DD to her father. You should just have told him where he went or refuse to tell him. It’s not fair on your DD.

LittleOwl153 · 29/01/2022 22:18

My daughter is slightly younger? But she is at guides until 9pm, and swim club till 8/830 2 nights a week. She will likely continue swimming into yr10, and will move on to Rangers from Guides. Both organisations appreciate they will loose (full commitment?) from yr11s from Xmas till June and support them through it. But to heavily resitrict her in y10... I think you both could be in for a difficult time poor kid. If she's conscientiousness meets her deadlines let her be!

Rosebel · 29/01/2022 22:24

Like others say it's nothing to do with him how you parent your daughter when she's with you.
I have a DD who's 15 and we allow one night out during the week and more relaxed at the weekend but she has GCSEs this summer. We always know who she's meeting, we don't drop her off but we do pick her up at 8:30 in the week and 9al at the weekend.
Do you have to tell him anything about what she's doing?

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