To have lied.

[HaventAScooby]

I'll try to keep succinct. NC.

I have a DD15 who I'm incredible proud of, she's bright, sociable, mature, level headed, academic, capable etc etc. The list goes on. (Yes I'm biased).

She has lots of lovely friends and likes to spend her free time with her closest friends.

Recently the time with her friends has steadily increased and we've had a discussion about capping it to two nights a week. She's agreed as she's in GCSE year 1 and needs to focus on school work (not that she doesn't).

DD's Dad and I have split (10 years), I wouldn't say it was a particularly amicable split - he cheated. I've moved on and it's water under the bridge. The majority of the time, we speak only when necessary.

We differ in opinion on parenting. I'm a lot more relaxed than he is. I know where my DD is and Insist on dropping off and picking her up, always.

He doesn't think she should be seeing friends in the week so if she does see people we don't mention it as he gets annoyed / frustrated by this. I would like not to lie but it's easier than dealing with the difference of views.

I told him a fib about her outing in the week and I've been found out. He's given her third degree where, who, what, where do the people live etc.
He's now questioned me and because of his controlling behaviour when we were together, it's triggered my anxiety. It's made me feel like I'm a rubbish parent.

If you have DC around this age, what freedom do you allow them to have? Have I let her have too much? (Even if I know where she is / insist she's safe / have capped).

So I guess, AIBU to have lied and was he right to question me?

Just block him. He shouldn’t be asking you anything anymore.

My daughter isn't as old as yours but when I was 15, I remember going out at least 2-3 during the week doing kayaking, orchestra, youth group, going round to friend's houses, and seeing my boyfriend. I think I had to be home by 9.30pm on weekdays. I was very academic, conscientious about schoolwork and my grades certainly didn't suffer because my parents gave me trust and freedom.

Your daughter will end up resenting her controlling dad if she doesn't already, which I feel will have a far greater detrimental impact on her wellbeing and subsequent performance in exams.

I can understand why you lied but I can see that you did it with your best interests at heart. Your ex sounds awful.

My child is in year 11. There's no cap on her time out with friends, because she's quite motivated, does her work and her friends are all fairly sensible. She has hobbies she maintains at weekends.

I'd never lie to my ex about parenting. But i do absolutely stick to my parenting decisions and tell him I will get the last say as the resident parent.
You know lying to someone controlling will make them use that to try to gain the upper hand in all future decisions. Control is only his if you give it.

I think lying wasn’t the best way of dealing with this because you’ve put yourself in the wrong. Tell him that when she’s with you she can go out x2 per week and decline to engage any further.

@TheUndoingProject

I think lying wasn’t the best way of dealing with this because you’ve put yourself in the wrong. Tell him that when she’s with you she can go out x2 per week and decline to engage any further.

this....its a pity that you lied, although I can see why you did but now he has got leverage :( provided you aren't putting her in danger, its not up to him what you allow or do not.

Sorry to hear about your exh/p. He sounds for sure controlling and abusive. I don’t think you were being unreasonable to lie but I also don’t think it helped the situation. I can tell these people are a contstant life sucker and it’s horrible so I get your intent for lying as it’s not his business to judge your parenting when your daughter is in your care. I agree with the other posters that lying is pretty much stooping to his level could escalates things. However he was totally wrong for questioning you. Especially when it comes from a bad place. You don’t deserve that bs from him. And more inportnantly your daughter doesn’t deserve that! He’s the one being unreasonable. Not you!

I admire your relationship with your daughter. It was difficult with my mum as a teenager. You stand your ground and listen to your gut as it seems like you’re doing a great job raising your daughter.

Thank you all. Your views have helped immensely. Even if a couple stung.

Yes, I agree I shouldn't have lied and really would like not to. I don't like lies as a rule. I did feel at the time it was the right thing to do as I pre-empted a fall out. Perhaps weak of me.

I absolutely will work on my boundaries. I like to think I'm confident and assertive in all other aspects of my life but this.

I am concerned that DD will grow up to be fearful of men (and indeed anyone else that tries to be controlling). But I believe I instill all the right skills to enable her not to be bullied / manipulated.

Just need to work on mine now!!

Sorry but YABU, not because your parenting is wrong (it sounds fine) but by lying you’re making your ex believe he’s right, but you’re teaching your daughter that it’s best to appease men and lie rather than stand up for yourself when you believe you’re right. He’s still controlling you both and now she’s nearly an adult it needs to stop. Trust yourself and stand up for yourself- he doesn’t get to tell either of you how to live your lives.

Dd was out every evening doing ECAs and we wouldn’t get back home till 10pm

I couldn’t imagine telling her she had to stay in to study every night to study

People who have unrealistic rules and with whom you can't negotiate create conditions for lying. All kids push a bit at boundaries. It's normal and they must be able to negotiate and come to a reasonable compromise that gives them a quality of life and some freedom, and allows you to know they are reasonably safe.

@Kennykenkencat what are ECA's?

@TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky

That is just a shit way of looking at the world that removes all agency from the op and condemns her to a second class life dependent on the good will of others.

She's 15!! She's home at 8pm.

This is incredibly tame.

He's living in cloud cuckoo land and expects everyone to live there with him or else he throws his toys out of the pram and makes everyone's life a misery. He uses his temper to control people around him - this is why you are anxious.

I think you need to say the classic "We didn't tell you cause we knew you would overeact. Daughter is happy and thriving. She will continue to see her friends. The only problem is you. Sort yourself out".

Controlling people get lied to, it’sa side effect of their behaviour. Unless they only interact with people who have a lot of energy and enjoy endlessly having to explain themselves and their decisions.

@youhavenoshameonyourface I agree with your first point. If he has narcissistic qualities like my ex then yes indeed it’s really infuriating and he’s out of order.

But I wouldn’t even explain myself. Instead just say something like ‘DD is happy and thriving whilst in my care and she will continue to see her friends as is’. And leave it at that. Something more objective without playing the blame game and stating facts as much as possible. That’s what I’m learning with my ex. I understand partly with op’s situation. It is incredibly difficult at times. Most likely he’s also projecting his insecurities on you and your daughter (which I’m just speculating as I don’t know the whole story) but @HaventAScooby please keep strong and stay cool and stand your ground

[quote HaventAScooby]@Kennykenkencat what are ECA's?[/quote]
I’m assuming it means extracurricular activities :)

I am concerned that DD will grow up to be fearful of men (and indeed anyone else that tries to be controlling). But I believe I instill all the right skills to enable her not to be bullied / manipulated.

Not by lying to the most influential male figure in her life you don’t. I’m going to assume it isn’t the first time.

Tell her you were wrong to lie to him and she shouldn’t either. And tell him what she does when he is with you is none of his business and you won’t be having these conversations with him in the future, and neither should he be quizzing your daughter on them either. Not sure why you haven’t set this boundary in ten years but you need to start today. Don’t apologise to him for lying, make it clear you did so because of his behaviour.

Can I say that I don't think you were being unreasonable in lying. It was what, at the time, you thought best to do.

Now, you know you need to work on giving your Ex, just as little information as is necessary and to stay truthful going forwards. Keep it neutral. Keep it simple.

Be strong! Show your daughter that your a strong independent woman and she can be too!

F**K it anyway! I didn't spot the date that the opening post was made.

What is it with all of the zombie threads and old threads being resurrected???

You are not a rubbish parent.

Don't ever feel like that.

You've got your DCs best interests at heart.

I guess just be mindful that she doesn't think it's ok to lie to her dad and or you. If she knows about it acknowledge that perhaps it wasn't the best course of action on reflection.

Either way, you sound great.

ZOMBIE THREAD

I'd remind him of what he was doing at that age - I'm sure it was a lot worse.