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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparent favouritism

35 replies

ThreeBalloons · 29/01/2022 18:59

Name changed and posting for traffic.

Our DC1 is first grandchild (boy). PILs doted on him when he was born. Fast forward 2 years and we had DC2 (girl) and BIL (DH’s bro) and SIL had their DC1 (girl) within 6 weeks of each other.

PILs live quite far away (c3 hr drive). We live 15 mins from BIL&SIL and get on well with them (and PILs, til now).

The issue is that PILs don’t seem to have any interest in our DD at all, but absolutely adore her cousin. They make this incredibly obvious, eg will buy them both the same birthday and Christmas presents but then get cousin loads of other things on top. When they come to stay with us they will scrupulously split the time equally with BIL&SIL, whereas they will come and visit BIL without even telling us they are here.

When they see us they spend all their time with DS, who adores them. They don’t bother to interact with DD at all. I find it so sad and hurtful on DD’s behalf - it’s not her fault she is the second child and has a cousin close in age. I’d thought it would be so lovely having such a close cousin but the whole thing is making me quite resentful of BIL and SIL even though it’s not their fault either.

BIL&SIL live near SIL’s wealthy parents whereas mine live abroad, so I’ve wondered whether PILs feel they need to compete on some level hence the extra gifts. Also wondered whether they are maybe doing a “per family” budget rather than per child, as obvs they buy for our DS as well, but neither of those explain the visits.

DH agrees it’s a thing but doesn’t think there is anything to be gained by raising it. I am so cross about it that I feel like just withdrawing contact, but that would be awful for DS who loves them. WWYD?

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 29/01/2022 19:01

Imo seeing your dd treated fairly is more vital to ds than seeing such people.

Clymene · 29/01/2022 19:02

How old are they?

Clymene · 29/01/2022 19:02

The children I mean, not the grandparents

Original poster
ThreeBalloons · 29/01/2022 19:06

DS is 4, the girls are both 2

OP posts:
Chely · 29/01/2022 19:07

Your DH needs to address this with them, if left it will worsen and your DC will become aware of it.

I get it. My inlaws make more effort with our nieces and nephews than they do with our kids. Ours are well aware of it and do not ask to visit them, they always ask to go to see my parents who treat them fairly.

HeartTerriers · 29/01/2022 19:10

I don't think it matters. They aren't her parents. She'll only realise they spend more time with her cousin if you tell her. She'll only care if you make her care. Children do not sit around worrying whether their grandparents have visited their cousins more often than they have visited them. They buy your children presents and visit them. Grand.

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/01/2022 19:11

So your DH thinks there's nothing to be gained by raising it! WTF, does he not think much of this daughter either?

Your daughter will notice, your daughter will know you condone this. Start saving for therapy now.

NinaProudman2022 · 29/01/2022 19:16

My mum was like that with my niece (eldest first grandchild) and still is. She snubs my two (DS and DD) and also nieces much younger sister and totally favours niece (with attention, presents, time, childcare, sleepovers, more photos in the house etc). I was even told by my mum that my niece was doing the reading at my fathers funeral by my mum. My mum told me this as the eldest DD as my niece was very upset and very close to him.

Consequently now they are teens contact is very much on their terms and I would never persuade or force my two to visit my mum, you reap what you sow.

Pleaseuniverseplease · 29/01/2022 19:17

I'd not want my dc involved with people like that.
I'd give dh a chance to speak to them about this and see what they have to say. Maybe they feel inferior to the other grandparents so are overcompensating and don't realise what they're doing ( I'm being kind hereHmm) however you're DD should not be cherished any less than her sibling and cousin and Idon't think it's in either of your DC's best interests for them to have a relationship with the pils if this favouritism continues.

Runnerduck34 · 29/01/2022 19:21

We've experienced this. DH mum prefers boys and it's very obvious she favours her grandsons.
With both gifts and attention -if GS talks about an interest he's clever if and GD does she's showing off.
We have 3 DDs and 1 DS .
Our oldest DD picked up on it when she was about 5/6. Your DD will notice too as she gets older if her brother is favoured.
To be honest it has stopped us seeing her as much.
Was slightly torn as DS could have a very special relationship with her as she adored him but it was too damaging to DDs self esteem and frankly made my blood boil.
DGM lives about 300 miles away so it's been easy to keep a distance would be harder if she was local.
DH did try and talk to her about it and pull her up on it but didn't go down well.

Clymene · 29/01/2022 19:24

@HeartTerriers

I don't think it matters. They aren't her parents. She'll only realise they spend more time with her cousin if you tell her. She'll only care if you make her care. Children do not sit around worrying whether their grandparents have visited their cousins more often than they have visited them. They buy your children presents and visit them. Grand.
I agree.

But I also think your husband should talk to them. Because it's hurtful to him. They might be misguidedly trying to be fair to compensate for the fact that you have two children and your son got 2 years of undivided attention. It might be that your husband's brother is their favourite. They may not even be aware that they're doing it.

Whatever the reasons, it's not personal to your daughter and right now she doesn't know or care. Don't make it an issue for her

CPL593H · 29/01/2022 19:35

It makes me so sad when this happens. I was born (decades later) on the anniversary of the death of my grandparents little daughter. I lived with them for the first few years of my life and I am in no doubt how important I was to them.

When my younger brother came along, there was no difference in the way he was treated. I was not favoured. Time, money and genuine love and affection were equally shared between us both, as they should be, because it is right and actually natural. Love expands, it is infinite and there is no excuse for not embracing that with your grandchildren any more than with your children.

Sorry about the rant and Flowers for you and your kids.

BurntToastAgain · 29/01/2022 19:36

Favouritism like this is horrible. Your poor DD.

My STBEH’s family show hideous favouritism. MIL especially. She has showed horrible favouritism all her children’s lives though. And she’s a terrible person (so I don’t think my toddler is missing out on a relationship there).

She’s got 3 grandchildren. They’re all STBEH’s. She favours her granddaughter ridiculously. In unbelievable ways. Like giving her a permanent bedroom in her house, while her brother didn’t even get a bed.

She says she’s the daughter she never had. And STBEH uses that as an excuse… except MIL does have a daughter. SIL a has been treated as the black sheep of the family all her life. Told she’s weird and there’s ‘something wrong with her’. She has grown up to have serious MH problems but I’d say that’s not because she’s inherently defective (as the family narrative goes); I’d say that’s what happens when you grow up being told you are ‘not right’ and it’s clear your mother doesn’t love you.

Anyway, we had our baby and MIL favours the SC. Hugely. She’s decided that our baby must be defective because the other two are so wonderful - and the ‘bad genes’ will have to come out in DS.

She hasn’t seen DS since she said that. And frankly, I don’t think she deserves to see him ever again.

The rest of his father’s family just ignore DS’s existence. Have his entire life. None of them - except FIL and SMIL, but that’s like a different set of in-laws entirely - have met DS. He’s 18 months old. BIL has seen STBEH several times but has shown no interest in DS at all. None of them acknowledged his birthday. Or got him a Christmas present. They do get presents for the SC though. Favouring SD over SS though. Every time.

It’s their loss frankly. The load of them are awful and DS is better off without them. He’s probably better off than SS who is clearly aware that his entire family prefer his sister. But his parents have allowed that (and favour his sister).

Don’t feel bad about withdrawing contact or minimising it. Neither child benefits from this kind of favouritism.

SarahAndQuack · 29/01/2022 19:36

Is it possible that they're seeing it that they spoilt the first child in each family? Especially if their gifts are financially very much wanted?

My DD was born six weeks before her cousin, who is my DB and SIL's third child. I know my parents bought all sorts of things for her that they didn't for my youngest niece, simply because of course, DB and SIL already had those things. There was no sense showering my niece in books and toys, because DB and SIL were actively desperate to chuck all their accumulated child-related tat.

Original poster
ThreeBalloons · 29/01/2022 19:40

DH is very much of the view of some posters - ie she won’t know (at least, not for quite a while) and raising it is likely to just create awkwardness. They’re not a very open family about stuff like that so it would be very transparent that it had come from me. DH thinks that as long as we adore her they don’t matter.

I totally see that but I also just feel really aggrieved for her…I keep looking at her cousin and wondering what it is about her that makes her more special. The other weird thing is that DD is the absolute double of DH. Her cousin looks like SIL, nothing like BIL (PILs child) at all. Yet PILs are always going on about how much cousin looks like BIL, as if they’re trying to somehow claim her almost? so not sure what’s going on there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThreeBalloons · 29/01/2022 19:43

@SarahAndQuack

Is it possible that they're seeing it that they spoilt the first child in each family? Especially if their gifts are financially very much wanted?

My DD was born six weeks before her cousin, who is my DB and SIL's third child. I know my parents bought all sorts of things for her that they didn't for my youngest niece, simply because of course, DB and SIL already had those things. There was no sense showering my niece in books and toys, because DB and SIL were actively desperate to chuck all their accumulated child-related tat.

Yes I did wonder this, whether it’s a first child thing. But in reality because cousin lives almost next door to her other wealthy grandparents she doesn’t want for anything. That’s why I wondered if there was almost an element of competition in it from PILs.

My DD on the other hand doesn’t really have anything of her own as it’s all just hand me downs from big bro (which is fine!). It’s not the content, it’s the principle. Like what is going through their head when they are wrapping the Xmas presents and there is one thing for DD, then that same thing plus 5 others for her cousin.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 29/01/2022 19:47

That's really difficult, I'm so sorry. Sad

(I've got to say in defence of my parents, it very much comes from SIL and DB that they don't want more 'stuff,' and they do spend much more time looking after my DB's family as they're more time-poor having more children.)

sunshineandshowers40 · 29/01/2022 19:49

I think it could be the first child thing. I think my DPs favour the first born children of their children (I have 2 siblings). I don't think it is obvious but I have noticed it.

Could it also be that you have 2 children and they are spending the same on each family of grandchildren?

modgepodge · 29/01/2022 19:51

My grandma did this - I have two younger siblings and I was very much the favoured child. I’d go and stay by myself (fair enough, they were too young) and she would shower me with gifts, and get them one token thing. She’d buy random presents and clothes and send them through the post for me, with nothing for them. She took out a magazine subscription for me, not for them. My sister was around 5 when she noticed. My parents did raise it and grandma was very upset/annoyed. I was gutted the presents stopped 😂😂😂 but of course could see it wasn’t fair. It did make things a bit awkward when I was older as we all went to stay and my mum had explained why my magazine stopped etc, I remember one time my grandma trying to give me a watch, and me turning it down as it wasn’t fair that I got something and the others didn’t. I do think your husband should speak to her to be honest. Difference between your daughter and cousin isn’t so bad, but the difference between your two children is.

Clymene · 29/01/2022 19:52

I bet you £100 that its fuck all to do with your niece being more special.

But your husband needs to tackle it because it's eating you up and he really needs to get into the habit of advocating for his children.

Holly60 · 29/01/2022 20:03

If they are generally nice people there will be a reason. Get DH to chat to them and find out or you will always wonder

Minniem2020 · 29/01/2022 20:13

Mil very much favours sils DS over ours. She always has DN but I feel she isn't keen if I even ask her to help for half an hour with DS. I only do it now if I've exhausted all other options and dp especially doesn't like to ask her as he just gets pissed off when she says no. Tbh I just think it's her loss at the end of the day and we won't owe her anything. DS is amazing and it's only her missing out on spending that time with him.

ChaosMoon · 29/01/2022 20:17

You've also got to think of the message this is sending your DS. That his female sibling is not worth as much as him, and you're on board with it. He'll assimilate that sexist bit of information long before your DD notices a problem, and you won't ever really be able to undo it.

Sparkle275 · 29/01/2022 20:23

So sorry to hear this. You or your DH need to challenge this as it's very unfair and believe me it can have an effect. My paternal grandparents always gushed over the grandchildren born to their daughters and I was always left out compared to the others. I realised it then and now I'm older i don't really have a relationship with them and have never felt close to them like my cousins do.

RepentMotherfucker · 29/01/2022 20:28

I can't believe anyone thinks she won't notice! Of course she will. Siblings are constantly looking out for that stuff ('how come he's got three sausages?!')

I think what they mean is 'it would be much easier if we all pretended it wasn't happening.' Certainly for your DH.

We have a similar situation (but not GPs) which I mentioned to a psychologist friend and she was very clear that this would be damaging to a child's self esteem. What you do about that is up to you but personally no-one is going to be damaging my child's self esteem on my watch.