Grandparent favouritism

[ThreeBalloons]

Name changed and posting for traffic.

Our DC1 is first grandchild (boy). PILs doted on him when he was born. Fast forward 2 years and we had DC2 (girl) and BIL (DH’s bro) and SIL had their DC1 (girl) within 6 weeks of each other.

PILs live quite far away (c3 hr drive). We live 15 mins from BIL&SIL and get on well with them (and PILs, til now).

The issue is that PILs don’t seem to have any interest in our DD at all, but absolutely adore her cousin. They make this incredibly obvious, eg will buy them both the same birthday and Christmas presents but then get cousin loads of other things on top. When they come to stay with us they will scrupulously split the time equally with BIL&SIL, whereas they will come and visit BIL without even telling us they are here.

When they see us they spend all their time with DS, who adores them. They don’t bother to interact with DD at all. I find it so sad and hurtful on DD’s behalf - it’s not her fault she is the second child and has a cousin close in age. I’d thought it would be so lovely having such a close cousin but the whole thing is making me quite resentful of BIL and SIL even though it’s not their fault either.

BIL&SIL live near SIL’s wealthy parents whereas mine live abroad, so I’ve wondered whether PILs feel they need to compete on some level hence the extra gifts. Also wondered whether they are maybe doing a “per family” budget rather than per child, as obvs they buy for our DS as well, but neither of those explain the visits.

DH agrees it’s a thing but doesn’t think there is anything to be gained by raising it. I am so cross about it that I feel like just withdrawing contact, but that would be awful for DS who loves them. WWYD?

I think these dynamics change a lot over time. As long as your DD is not being hurt by it - and at 2 years old she is obviously not - I would try to relax and ignore it. Under no circumstances would I withdraw contact. That is a nuclear option which would cause a lot of hurt all round.

If it is so obvious that they adore your DS, they may be trying to compensate by paying extra attention to his cousin - not for her benefit, because she is too young to notice, but for her parents’ benefit, to show them that their little one is valued as much as your first one was.

From the outside, and the GP point of view, it sounds like they are trying to create balance (even if they are doing it wrong - believe me it is tough to get it right!).

If, when both little girls are old enough to be aware of differences and there is still obvious favouritism, then, of course, it is time to make a stand.

For now, since your question is WWYD, my answer is nothing at all. Try to think that they are trying their best, and that their efforts come from good motives, even where they fail.

I know it is easy to say from the outside, but I think, nevertheless, that trying to think this way brings the best outcomes for the children - who are, after all, the point.

(I know it’s tough if you think your little one is not valued in the same way,)

@RepentMotherfucker

I can't believe anyone thinks she won't notice! Of course she will. Siblings are constantly looking out for that stuff ('how come he's got three sausages?!')

I think what they mean is 'it would be much easier if we all pretended it wasn't happening.' Certainly for your DH.

We have a similar situation (but not GPs) which I mentioned to a psychologist friend and she was very clear that this would be damaging to a child's self esteem. What you do about that is up to you but personally no-one is going to be damaging my child's self esteem on my watch.

But they aren't siblings, they're cousins. And two year olds simply aren't going to notice.

The OP's child has an older brother and admits that even she doesn't give her new stuff but just hand me downs from her brother.

But I agree that the OP's husband needs to raise this before the children notice

PIL were besotted with DS until SIL DC came along. They even referred to them as 'ours!' SIL is favoured over DH so shouldn't have been surprised.

They might do a per family budget. I do sort of but not for the GC, they all get equal but for example one son has 3 kids and one has none. The one with no children gets more than his brother but his brothers family gets more as the 3 children all get presents. Another son with one child gets closer to the son with no children but his child doesn't get more than each child in the 3 child family.

It can be hard to balance it up sometimes and I suppose everyone has their own way of trying to be fair. I'd be more upset about not seeming to want to see your DD, I don't think things are as important to be honest.

It's not just the cousin though is it? It's the older brother who is also the golden child. Unless I've misread the OP...

When they see us they spend all their time with DS, who adores them. They don’t bother to interact with DD at all.

No, it's the brother as well.

Tbh the cousin is a red herring for me. This is far more damaging.

What's your financial situation like? My DD and my DSis' DD were born two months apart. She gets more stuff because she, although it's a decent salary, earn less than me.

I've brought it up to be batted away with "they have a mortgage". So do we 🙄

I think it isn’t fair to compare someone’s first child with a second child. You need to compare how they behave with your DN and how they behave to your DS and if it’s fairly equal you then need to figure out how to equalise this for your DD. This might actually mean visiting them more often (or hosting them) with just your dd. They would be forced to give her attention / not ignore her if DS wasn’t around & you can silence comparisons with dc by talking up your dd & so they have no choice but to stop mentioning it.

@heyitsthistle I’d say we are all in similar financial situations - all fine basically.

The real difference is in local family support. BIL has that in spades and we don’t. We found lockdown with a baby and toddler absolutely horrendous and so lonely, whereas BIL and SIL “bubbled” with her parents and had a v different time. In that context the extra visits etc really hurts as we’ve been crying out for some family support.

I have to say I don’t really get the first/second child thing eg I don’t see why DN should “trump” my DD because she’s the eldest in her nuclear family. It’s different for DS because he was actually the first grandchild, so PILs spending lots of time with him wasn’t a deliberate rejection of anyone else. DN is the first grandchild on her other side and as I said not short of anything.

As for the comparison between DS and DN, I’d say that DN is the favourite overall. PILs have a good relationship with DS because of the time they spent with him as a baby, but since DN has been born the dynamic is different.