Chauvinistic husband?

[Alisa2]

Am I wrong or is he?

I need a third person to tell me either I'm a psycho or he's a chauvinistic $%&#^

We've got 2 kids. 2 year old and 2 month old. Ever since we've had more responsibilities the more we fight about the responsibilities. He works full time I'm a full time mum.

I work 24 hours. No break. 2 small kids. I also have always done all the house chores and cooking. It gets really hard that once a month he pays a cleaner for a deep clean. I managed all that until I had baby number 2. He doesn't want to help. He does help me though sometimes. But by force. Guilt tripping him. When the house ends up looking like a pigs sty because I literally can't do it. I'm exclusively breastfeeding and baby is clingy. Toddler is not eating properly recently and is being so picky so it takes me hours to make sure she has enough to eat. Giving them both a bath. It takes me all day. And as soon as he's home I just need that help. Just even holding the newborn so I can give my arms a break. Or have a shower. Cooking an evening meal with them two with me alone is impossible. I can't do it without his help. He comes home late (by choice). So we don't end up eating till. Very late. I'm exhausted because I don't get a chance to eat and eat really late. Breastfeeding takes all the energy from me and it stresses me that I don't eat enough to give enough to my baby through breastfeeding.

Anyhow, he has a misogynistic mentality. He thinks it's my job to do all that above. And having food on the table is a 'given'. He shouldnt have to do any of that. Im a wife and a mother and I should do all that without help All he has to do is bring in the money and provide. Anything he does do to help. Like washing dishes or putting laundry on or giving our toddler a bath is him doing me a favour. These are his words.

I realised what his mentality is like since we've had kids. Before then it wasn't really highlighted. We were both working and just doing our own thing on not much to do. With kids I expect us to do everything together. It's his responsibility too. I have a 24/7 job. He thinks I stay in bed for hours and hours and sleep and rest
When I've told him numerous times I'm breastfeeding! If I don't I lose my supply! I don't sleep all night. And have 1-2 hours sleep every few hours or so. That doesn't mean I'm in bed all day sleeping!!! I'm exhausted. When my baby does finally settle then the toddler is up! I wash her give her breakfast on no sleep and no food. Once they've all sorted then I eat breakfast. I can only do house chores or cooking when the husband is home and he takes over atleast one of the kids.

But he hates it. All he wants to do is come home and relax and do nothing. If he has to do me some 'favours' it makes him so angry and he starts swearing. It's my job apparently. He won't even change toddlers Nappy. From his point of view him washing up is him doing something HUGE for me and if I ask him to change toddlers nappy too otherwise she'll get a rash whilst waiting for me to finish breastfeeding or settling the newborn is taking the piss and I deserve to be verbally abused and he doesn't care if she gets a rash! His mentality drives me crazy because he's the polar opposite to me with my mentality and what I want in a man. And therefore I am verbally abusive to him too. I feel like if I don't let it out, my brain will explode!

I cant deal with it anymore feel like I'm going crazy. Feel like a single mother but financially stable. That's the only good thing I get from him. The relationship is so toxic now. He doesn't know how to be a father or husband in my opinion. He should have stayed single and watched as much netflix as he wanted and have his mum and sisters spoon feed him as they always have done.

What do you guys think?

Would you consider switching to formula so you can at least not have baby so physically dependent on you? It is only a suggestion if it's really difficult doing that and all the other care for the little ones? You shouldn't have to and to be honest I'd leave the bastard once the kids are old enough to be sleeping enough through the night

I can't imagine the mental and physical strain this must be having on you. It's not unheard of for a man to change his tune as soon as kids come along.

Ask him calmly what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his dc in the future.. I had 3 x ds's with exh and I asked him this. He announced he would be taking them for their first pint. He did absolutely no parenting or chores. Until we divorced he had never had them alone. His dps did the main care when we divorced. As soon as they got teens they dumped him. He never got to buy any pints. He did apologise when they were early teens(to me for being so uninvolved) but it was too little too late.

I think you should plan on divorcing this utter waste of space

This sounds so so tough, you must be exhausted. I have a toddler and cannot imagine having a baby on top! I also can't cook or clean when I've got my toddler at home with me. I agree that your husband should be doing his share. Leave him at home for 24hrs with the toddler and see how he copes 😃

Can you get some help in? perhaps a mother's help for a couple of days a week? Send your toddler to nursery or a childminder for some of the time?
A cleaner once a week? My cleaner has started cooking a meal for us as I'm back at work and struggling. We also get a lot of Charlie bigham meals rather than cook.

No one does this alone without massively struggling. I think a lot of people would traditionally have family (including husband!) to help out but these days most people don't live near their family.

Good luck xxx

I think the only way you will get him to split things fairly is if you also work. It sounds like it would also be less exhausting for you.

It is deeply depressing how many of these threads we see here every week.

OP, he is a father of your children yes? He needs to parent them full stop.

Don't have any more kids with him.

This is all too common. So many women post about this. Generally speaking, the safest option is for women to retain their full time job and transfer the burden of childcare onto paid help, and have the man contribute to that. Not always possible but in many cases it would save women from so many problems.

He’s neither a husband or a father. He’s a payer of domestic bills and that is about it.

I voted yabu because it's possible he genuinely doesn't realise how much you do. My husband used to be a farmer. He worked 10 to 12 hour days sometimes 7 days a week. He never had a day off, what he called a day off was actually just a 5 or 6 hour day. In this circumstance, I really did do everything at home for all three kids and the house at all times, and until kid three I also worked outside the home part time. It was HARD. It was busy. I also breast fed. My house was often a mess, meals were sometimes more basic than I would have liked, and strict routines were my best friend. Now, the youngest is 8 and we both work full time. Life is busy, sometimes tough as it's so full on, but now we both do housework and lifts and school runs etc and we try to share the tasks. I don't think my husband truly realised how hard doing everything at home was until he 'only' worked a 40 hour week and could see for himself. When I had 10 days isolating in our bedroom with covid, he did EVERYTHING for a week, and found it really hard, and actually there were loads of little jobs that he didn't even realise I do which DIDN'T get done, like cleaning the kitchen sink or washing towels or polishing school shoes. My point is, (long-winded!!!!) he might not know what it's like because he doesn't see it. Maybe tell him he is shopping and cooking for a week and you just feed the kids, and see what he comes up with, or tell him he is doing baths for a week.....either he will realise how hard you work, or he will realise he quite likes getting involved if he has specific jobs to do. Either way, you will be unlikely to have MORE help or time off if you split up, unless he will have equal custody, which is impossible while you are breastfeeding, plus you'd probably have to go back to work! So encourage him to choose things he can do to help.

@Bibbidybobbidybooboo this isn't about him thinking she's lazy. This is him telling her she should be doing cleaning cooking and childcare because she's a woman.

No one, male or female, who has two small children can expect to do nothing but rest when they in from work. That is nonsense. Your job while he is at work is to care for the dc, when he gets home he needs to get stuck in. Not to help, but to do his share. Don't accept anything less.

I think you know what you need to do.

Plus will force him to do some childcare and his own washing up.

@Zipper666
How about not blaming women for a grown man's laziness before you angle for a pat on the back,eh?

I realise that, but we haven't heard how exhausting the man's job might be, and how overwhelming the changes might be for him. We are talking about a 2 month old baby..... I was still crying and leaking and staying in grim pjs and eating bananas as whole meals at the two month mark.... My husband must have wondered what the heck he was coming home to after his 12 hour exhausting shifts and what we had done with our lovely marriage.... This guy might just be a pig, or he might just be freaking out and need a moment to get it together, and be properly told what to do and why. Some mothers and natural mothers and we sympathise and help..... Some fathers are totally out of their depth too. Of course he needs to step up, I'm just saying he might need a push to do it. It seems possible from the outside to do all housework and parenting and cushy to be at home all day if you don't have to go to work.... Until you actually have to do it!

@Bibbidybobbidybooboo he has a two year old too and he was a shithead then as well...

Regardless of what job he has or how stressful or hard it is he's also a parent and it's tough tits if he doesn't want to pull his weight.

Omg every single one of you is right. I just needed to hear it. Thank you for all your replies. Leaving him seems even harder right now. But I agree I have to do something..he has to understand what I actually do. Until he does it himself he won't get it. I cant carry on like this. It may be too late by the time he does. Ill give him the opportunity to understand and step the hell up by going to my mums. Get some support there. And make an arrangement on when he does his parenting. He won't be able to cope I know it. I left him for 2.5hours few days ago to get some important stuff done. Told him to give toddler a wash and changed and cook and feed her breakfast, gave him some pumped milk for baby. I knew he'd struggle and wasnt expecting everything because of the way he is. And yes he did struggle. He literally couldn't cope. When I got back he said there was no way he could have done any of that. He gave the toddler the tablet and fed baby in that 2.5hours and stayed in bed the whole time. He fed her a babybel. I got verbally abused for coming back late how dare I leave both kids with him because he was getting late. Turns out it was for a haircut.

If this arrangement doesn't work and he doesn't get it. Then it's over.

Tell him you want a cleaner one day a week and a nanny five hours a day so YOU can cut your hours to 40 a week.

Leave the toddler the kids with him for an hour until he desperately calls you. Then next day leave the toddler with him and go to your mums for a few days. Once he realises that he cannot work without you looking after the children, and it takes more than one adult to look after children he might start to come to his senses. They you can have a conversation about your worth in this relationship x

He fed his helpless 2 year old child nothing but a babybel and stayed in bed the whole time? OP he's abusive. No two ways about it. You're in an abusive marriage. Think how much easier you're life will be without him. Life is so short. Please don't waste yours with this abusive prick. Please.

He works for himself in an office. He makes his own hours and chooses to sleep late get up late and come home late because he doesn't have anyone to answer to. He doesn't have a hardworking stressful job where he is physically shattered. I begged him to start working 8am-4pm or even 9pm-5pm but he refused even though that actually works better for him and he could get way more work done. But no he loves his sleep too much. He tried that for 1 week and we worked so well. But then few days later back to old habits. He just doesn't want new responsibilities to distrupt his life he once had. Where he would go to work whenever he wants. Come back whenever he wants and he would have dinner waiting for him on the table. He never even washed a dish until he married me. Still doesn't know how to operate a washing machine!!!

@DynamiteFilledRadish

He fed his helpless 2 year old child nothing but a babybel and stayed in bed the whole time? OP he's abusive. No two ways about it. You're in an abusive marriage. Think how much easier you're life will be without him. Life is so short. Please don't waste yours with this abusive prick. Please.

Worse than that, he's neglectful.

Second baby was literally failed birth control. I knew how hard it would be after seeing what he was like with the first. We spoke about it alot. Well i did. Never came to a proper solution. Just the same thing, it's my job to do all this. Lol his mentality is my worst nightmare. I'm so opposite. I would actually do everything if I could just to avoid arguments. I dont care about me time or watching TV. I'd rather not have a toxic environment for kids. But I know I can't do it all without help. I have to have atleast 1 persons help. It should be him! Not a nanny or my mum. But feel like I've got no choice.

If he brings in the money then fine. Pay for nanny and a cleaner few times a week!

Pre-children, most grown-ups manage to go to work full-time and then come home and do their share of the household chores.

I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb to suggest OP’s husband didn’t do the household chores pre-children either.