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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have at least been spoken to

35 replies

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:01

Yesterday i came home to forms to be a POA for my Aunty put through my door with a note from my mum ‘please sign, get your husband to witness and i will collect tomorrow’.

There has been no discussion about this. I am concerned, by the time I need this i will have a mum whose older than my Aunty who i am also POA for, two teenage daughters and i am likely to be working full time still. I am my mums POA which i was happy to s do when my dad died. I have seen the toil that caring can take, my grandmother is in her 90s and has dementia now.

Aunty is in late 50s, good health, doesnt work and has no kids though she is married but he has been ill for years. I dont see her very often because of distance, me working etc but she will text me to thank me for birthday/Christmas present etc. We aren’t especially close, she wouldn’t for example help me with my little ones or meet me for a coffee and I wouldnt ask for support and she wouldnt offer.

I asked my mum about it as she seems to have agreed this on my behalf and she said ‘well if you dont do it then she will have nobody so I will need some suggestions from you an out what else we can do’. I said ‘this is a lot. can she ring me about it?’ ‘No she hasn’t got time, she’s very anxious person and this needs to be sorted, you’ll get money from the will’. My mum made me feel like i was being unkind, but my DH thinks the opposite, that aunty should have spoken to me first.

I feel put in a really awkward position, I feel like i am being forced into something which could have a big impact on me in the future and nobody has really considered that. Putting myself in that position, if I wanted someone to do something like this, i would have asked them first.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ricksteinsfishwife · 29/01/2022 10:06

Poa and caring for are very different things? Is there someone missing? Has someone asked you to care for her and you’ve maybe written the wrong thing?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/01/2022 10:12

I agree that this should have been discussed with you, and I think your DM knew this and took care to present it to you as a done deal.

The truth is that you probably would have agreed if it was asked of you, but being hustled into doing it is a different matter.

Intheopinionofourexpert · 29/01/2022 10:12

She should have asked you first, yes. But I'm not sure how much of your time having a POA (health or financial) would take up? It wouldn't mean that you had to care for her.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/01/2022 10:14

Very very unfair to rush and pressurise you into this.

Maybe draw up some questions for her solicitor to clarify? A solicitor she pays for.

AgentProvocateur · 29/01/2022 10:16

You’re not being asked to care for her. It’s a Power of Attorney to make decisions when she’s no longer mentally able.

WhoWants2Know · 29/01/2022 10:25

You can have LPA for someone and never need to do anything at all if they never lose capacity to handle their own affairs.

But if LPA isn't in place and something happens that causes her to lose capacity... Then it's a much bigger problem and a lot more work for someone.

Aprilx · 29/01/2022 10:29

I do think you should have been spoken to but to be honest, I am not sure any of you are really understanding what POA is.

It has nothing to do with care, it is to do with decision making if she should become incapacitated. Her husband and her sister (your mother) sound like they would be better candidates for this if she really felt it was necessary.

NuffSaidSam · 29/01/2022 10:36

Being responsible for someone else's decisions is a kind of caring and can be a lot of work and quite stressful!

We hear a lot about the mental load of having children. There is also a mental load of having a number of elderly relatives to make decisions for.

Cakecakecheese · 29/01/2022 10:40

It definitely shouldn't have been sprung on you like that.

Mrstamborineman · 29/01/2022 10:43

YANBU.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:43

Thank you - I need to read up more on LPA (it is a lasting POA) but I am thinking this would mean I’d have to do things like sort out her finances, arrange care for her etc. I have watched my mum do this over the past 10 years for my gran and its been stressful. Would that be my responsibility?

OP posts:

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:44

@NuffSaidSam

Being responsible for someone else's decisions is a kind of caring and can be a lot of work and quite stressful!

We hear a lot about the mental load of having children. There is also a mental load of having a number of elderly relatives to make decisions for.

I agree. I have two young children. I cant understand how my aunty just expects and assumes i will do this. She hasn’t helped me with my children and nor do we have a very close relationship.

OP posts:

ikeepseeingit · 29/01/2022 10:44

Is there a reason your mum can’t be POA at least for now? Obviously she herself might get too old to make the decisions but right now she’s able to. It’s not about being able to care for her though, it’s making decisions when she is unable to. She should have spoken to you, or at least asked your mum to ASK you about it. It does seem odd that your mum volunteered you instead of herself. Ultimately this is something that could be either no problem for your whole life, or you could have the weight of making decisions for your aunt. You are within your right to say you don’t think you’re the right person.

Sideswiped · 29/01/2022 10:47

I'm wondering why your aunt didn't ask you herself.
You need to contact her to talk about it, not rely on your mum's account of what's going on.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:50

Mum is 5 years older than Aunty and i suspect is trying to avoid the hassle as Aunty will turn to my mum about everything even though she’s married. Now I think about it.

I think i will propose its mum until mum is unable. Then we can consider changing it.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 29/01/2022 10:50

Very presumptuous of your mother and aunt. To be fair to aunt is it possible your mother told her you would be happy to do this? I wouldn't sign the papers.

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:54

@Sideswiped

I'm wondering why your aunt didn't ask you herself. You need to contact her to talk about it, not rely on your mum's account of what's going on.

I have asked this, Mum got shirty and said ‘well ring her then!’.

OP posts:

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:55

@Sparkletastic

Very presumptuous of your mother and aunt. To be fair to aunt is it possible your mother told her you would be happy to do this? I wouldn't sign the papers.

I think this is what might have happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 10:57

Would I be responsible for finding a care home etc? I wouldnt be comfortable caring for her as I dont really see her very often and I wont have time as I am likely (given their mothers age) to have my mum to look after and two daughters as well as a full time job.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2022 11:00

@imsoverytired83

Mum is 5 years older than Aunty and i suspect is trying to avoid the hassle as Aunty will turn to my mum about everything even though she’s married. Now I think about it.

I think i will propose its mum until mum is unable. Then we can consider changing it.

My mum has my sdad LPA and I have hers. It’s set up so that if she has invoked his but I have invoked hers first or if she invokes his and later I have to invoke hers I will have both - if that makes sense? Could you do that. I agree you should have been asked but it’s not agreeing to care for your Aunt at all, it’s just about making decisions if she can’t

Hoppinggreen · 29/01/2022 11:01

@imsoverytired83

I don’t think so. You are just agreeing to make decisions for her You can decide not to invoke an LPA as well

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 11:03

Your mother sounds like a right presumptuous piece of work.

Be very careful OP.

I would tell her No.

Is she a bit of a bully towards you?

This most certainly is NOT normal or respectful behaviour.

I am late 50's and cannot imagine such CF behaviour.

Push back HARD.

Daenerys77 · 29/01/2022 11:30

'Mum, I am not signing this. In future, please don't make arrangements for me to do things without consulting me first. And no, it is not my responsibility to come up with 'suggestions'.'

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 11:33

I have pushed back

‘She only had you….what are your suggestions’.

I have responded ‘it’s not for me to make suggestions, its for her to seek advice on what her options are’

OP posts:

Original poster

imsoverytired83 · 29/01/2022 11:50

I have said ‘I think it’s better for you to be her POA until you cant be’

OP posts:

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