To have at least been spoken to

[imsoverytired83]

Yesterday i came home to forms to be a POA for my Aunty put through my door with a note from my mum ‘please sign, get your husband to witness and i will collect tomorrow’.

There has been no discussion about this. I am concerned, by the time I need this i will have a mum whose older than my Aunty who i am also POA for, two teenage daughters and i am likely to be working full time still. I am my mums POA which i was happy to s do when my dad died. I have seen the toil that caring can take, my grandmother is in her 90s and has dementia now.

Aunty is in late 50s, good health, doesnt work and has no kids though she is married but he has been ill for years. I dont see her very often because of distance, me working etc but she will text me to thank me for birthday/Christmas present etc. We aren’t especially close, she wouldn’t for example help me with my little ones or meet me for a coffee and I wouldnt ask for support and she wouldnt offer.

I asked my mum about it as she seems to have agreed this on my behalf and she said ‘well if you dont do it then she will have nobody so I will need some suggestions from you an out what else we can do’. I said ‘this is a lot. can she ring me about it?’ ‘No she hasn’t got time, she’s very anxious person and this needs to be sorted, you’ll get money from the will’. My mum made me feel like i was being unkind, but my DH thinks the opposite, that aunty should have spoken to me first.

I feel put in a really awkward position, I feel like i am being forced into something which could have a big impact on me in the future and nobody has really considered that. Putting myself in that position, if I wanted someone to do something like this, i would have asked them first.

AIBU?

And i have said that i think its a bit cheeky of her not to ask me herself.

No you really are not being unreasonable

To me it seems extraordinary to expect someone to take on the responsibility of having a power-of-attorney, which has a lot of administrative work involved, without even discussing it with you. Really bizarre. Possibly your mother and aunt don't quite realise what is involved in it?

There are also two types one for financial and one for personal / health matters. Are you expected to be signing up for both do you know?

My brother and I have both just done this for my 80 year old mum but I am not sure I would start doing it for lots of people for the reasons you give in your OP.

Do you know for sure she’s even asked for this?

I think mum and her have discussed it and they have agreed it between them

My suggestion has been that mum does it until she’s not in a position to, then I will do it. BUT aunty needs to have the decency to call me and ask me.

Mums saying that aunty is very anxious that’s why she hasn’t contacted me however has failed to consider that i have an anxiety disorder myself (medicated)

I don't understand why you keep mentioning that she hasn't helped with your DC. It's not relevant. It makes it sound as though you consider helping with your DCs as a tit-for-tat for being POA but they're not comparable at all.
It sounds as though your DM assumed it wouldn't be a problem and told your aunt she would deal with it. I don't think that is your aunt's fault.
It's up to you whether you want to do it or not. If I was your aunt, I'd be concerned about you assuming it after your mum because you have made it very clear you don't want involved. Since she doesn't have anyone else, I think that's an awful position for her to be in and it seems to be caused by your mum misjudging the relationship she (your mum) has with you.
I feel sorry for your aunt.

@imsoverytired83

I think mum and her have discussed it and they have agreed it between them

My suggestion has been that mum does it until she’s not in a position to, then I will do it. BUT aunty needs to have the decency to call me and ask me.

Mums saying that aunty is very anxious that’s why she hasn’t contacted me however has failed to consider that i have an anxiety disorder myself (medicated)

I think this is a bit mean unless her calling you would lower your anxiety.

If you have an anxiety disorder you should be a little more understanding of hers. Would you accept a letter/email if the phone makes her too anxious?

I think it's fine to say no btw, just not ok to say yes, but only if you jump through these pointless hoops.

There are two types of POA, OP - one for financial affairs, the other for health and welfare. Are they proposing that you do one of these, or both? Either way, it looks fairly obvious that you would have to have some knoweldge of the other person's affairs. Say, her money affairs, or her health, in order to be able to make decisions on them if she became unable to do so herself. If you are not close to your aunty, would you need to discuss her bank account and other financial matters (for financial POA) or the state of her health (for health and welfare)? That in itself could be time-consuming initially. If this was me, I would ring aunty myself and talk about what she is hoping for or expects. When you have a clear picture from her, say that you will think it over and let her know. I would cut your DM out of this - less scope for misunderstandings, and she does not need to be a go-between. When you have considered, let you aunt know - no need to do so via your DM. Good luck with your decision.

If also a health/ medical POA - You also really need to know your aunt's wishes on end of life decisions - resuscitation or not - staying in her own home with helpers or going in to a care home, etc.

In reality circumstances may outweigh her wishes, but I had these discussions with my Mum when discuss POA. Not at all easy and fairly emotional.

What she wants and what to me would seem best are at odds, so I really did need to know and discuss it with her. And am trying to hope for the best in how this unfolds as can foresee it may well become fairly tricky to navigate.

Solicitors will act as financial poa. For a fee, obviously, but this is what people do who have no one to act for them. Your aunt could arrange this with the fee coming from her assets or from her estate. You shouldn’t be railroaded or emotionally blackmailed into doing this against your wishes.

Thank you, I have decided to cut the middle man and text her myself. I have said that I have recieved the papers (its for financial and health and welfare) that its quite big responsibility and would it not be better for mum to be her LPA until she cant be and then i will step in? I have said that if this is not an option, please would she come to my home town to tell me what her expectations are (I will need to know funeral plans, financial plans, what she wants to do about care) and what she wants me to do. I hope this wont give her anxiety but unfortunately the whole situation is making me extremely anxious.

I have spoken to my friend who is a solicitor and she said that this is a massive responsibility and normally she speaks to the person and checks they have spoken to the LPA.