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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fussy friends

31 replies

Bouledeneige · 29/01/2022 09:04

Does anyone else have a problem with this?

I live on my own most of the time so covid has been quite challenging, trying to keep myself going. But there's been a lot of hours to fill and at times I've had to dig deep to not feel too isolated and lonely. I'm late 50s and have quite a lot of good friends but its not always easy to make a date to see them as they have other commitments. But what I've noticed recently is how picky and fussy a couple of my friends are. Take this week.

Met up with Daisy (50) earlier in the week. We had timed tickets to go into a stately home which I'd bought. When we got there she had to go and get a cup of tea - we'd arranged to meet at that time as she was having her hair done and wanted to get herself some lunch first. So we had to check into the reception that it would be okay to come back later. I pointed out a lovely cafe right near by. But no she'd seen another one a bit further away that she thought would be nice. So we go there. Only there are no tables free and she decides it doesn't look nice after all so we go back to the first tea shop I suggested. She has to pick which table. We go into the stately home and afterwards decide to go to a bar for a further chat. We go into the bar and she makes us move table 3 times because she thinks there's a nicer table, but then she decides she doesn't like the new table so we end up back at the first table we tried. She complains about her drink.

A few days days later I meet Mary (she's late 50s) for some Friday night drinks. I had to book a table even though we are meeting early. When she arrives she comments how quiet it is and how lacking in atmosphere. Then some younger women come in and are seated next to us. They start having a lively chat so Mary asks if we can move to one of the large booths at the back of the bar which is empty. The waiter says sorry no - the big booths are booked for bigger groups and will be filled shortly. She moans about not being able to move and about the poncey drinks and the waiters (even though they are very attentive and friendly). Within 20 minutes the place is full and noisy. I say we can leave if she wants and go to a nearby pub. No she says, we might as well stay here, the atmosphere is actually quite buzzy. Then within half an hour she suggests leaving and we go to a pub instead.

With both Daisy and Mary they are keen to go out and do something but always leave it to me to suggest where to go and make arrangements. Then each time its this palaver. I'm very easy going - when I go out I'm just there to enjoy the company and catch up so I just don't make a fuss. I want to enjoy myself. Sure I complain sometimes, but not nearly as much as these friends. I know I'm moaning now but I just realised that these are the only times I've had company this week and its a bit wearing! Anyone else have this? Is it age or attitude?

OP posts:
AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 29/01/2022 09:07

They both sound a pain in the arse. What would they do if you disagreed?

phishy · 29/01/2022 09:15

I don’t think it’s necessarily age (I’m late 30s).

It sounds like they see you as the organiser and therefore your responsibility to make sure they’re comfortable.

You need to stop organising everything for them. Put the onus on them to suggest a time, date and location.

Do you actually enjoy their company? If not, concentrate on those you do enjoy.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 29/01/2022 10:26

Get them to book
The place next time.
Yes they sound annoying.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2022 10:29

Well, if you don't behave like that it's clearly not age.

How about you get out there, join some groups and find some more friends?

Oh, and don't put up with them messing around all the time.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/01/2022 10:35

I think next time you say something along the lines of I know you weren't entirely happy with what I'd organised last time so I'll leave you to arrange venue and timings if that's ok - let me know when and where you've booked and I'll be there, looking forward to seeing you. And then be slightly late so you miss all the faffing about tables etc. Or just meet somewhere you've been before that you know they like or at their house

Haus1234 · 29/01/2022 10:35

I don’t know how you stand it OP, you must have the patience of a saint! Are they really really good company otherwise?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/01/2022 10:37

I think you are a bit unlucky in your friends to be honest! People can be irritating at any age, but I find with discontented ditherers it's best not to be too flexible. I wouldn't have offered to move to the pub, I wouldn't be traipsing around different cafes and switching tables.

In the case of the tables I would have asked her what was up, because that is not normal behaviour.

Neolara · 29/01/2022 10:39

I'm in my 50s. No-one I know behaves like this. They sound incredibly annoying.

Gardengates · 29/01/2022 10:41

It may not be helpful but I would love to go out with Daisy and Mary together and watch what happens.

Who would get to choose the table?

Would they ever agree on an order?

Would they create a black hole with their combined negative energy?

Or would they cancel each other out and make one reasonable person?

Seriously, get on it OP and report back to me. I need to know...

NotNowAlan · 29/01/2022 10:42

I have a friend like this. She's 56. I don't see her so much these days.

Sparkletastic · 29/01/2022 10:43

Unless Daisy and Mary have sparkling personalities I'd dump them as friends.

FlasherMcGruff · 29/01/2022 10:45

They sound irritating. I think if this is a frequent thing I’d say what @DrinkFeckArseBrick suggests while they are in the middle of one of their episodes. ‘Since you’re not happy with the place I picked, and weren’t last time, next time I’ll let you choose and book in advance a place you are happy with. Saves us both traipsing around and continually moving seats and venues.’

Goawayangryman · 29/01/2022 10:47

They are just a bit selfish aren't they?? Not much awareness of how their actions impact on others.

AuntyClem · 29/01/2022 10:47

They sound like the kind of people who have no opinion when you’re making plans but then have a really strong opinion when it comes to doing them. It’s exhausting and I’m not sure I could be arsed with the hassle unless they’re spectacularly good company.

Goawayangryman · 29/01/2022 10:48

'fussy' in my mind usually equates to 'my needs matter here more than anyone else's

Merryoldgoat · 29/01/2022 10:49

I have an aunt like this. She’s utterly painful and it’s because she has nothing in her life.

She hardly globes out to socialise because most people won’t put up with the shit so the few friends get the brunt of it.

She’s exceptionally selfish and utterly unpleasant. Once I stopped seeing her life was much easier.

You can tell them and see what happens, just stop seeing them, or put up with it.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 29/01/2022 10:54

They don't actually sound much fun

I'd not bother going out with someone like that.

If they want to meet up next, ask them to arrange/book so it can suit their needs

Bet you they won't, as then THEY'd be responsible

Honestly, their behaviour is not normal imo

And just absolutely NOT fun

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 10:59

YANBU

They both sound like monumental PITA's.

I am a similar aga and it is not age, its them.

They sound very tedious.

Hand over the arrangements to them.

Flowers
VivX · 29/01/2022 11:02

They sound like they just enjoy complaining and finding fault.

Bouledeneige · 29/01/2022 20:31

Thanks for your responses. I'm really not a doormat - I'm a CEO at work - but I guess because its friends I'm not always great at drawing the line.

I do tell Daisy that she's being a princess but its just wearisome. To be fair to her she was a good friend during lockdown - the calls really helped - and we do have fun together. But she is just a spoilt pretty girl who's high maintenance. She has a very rich partner now and I guess she's got used to being a bit of a madam. I think its how she gets her self esteem. But as a step mother she's quite directive with her teenage step kids in a way I imagine is quite unwelcome (as a Mum).

To be fair to Mary she is quite depressed. She can be fun but mostly she's pining for a relationship and feels very lonely.

The reality is I can be that coaster friend myself. I have a friend who knows a lot of good walks so I can rely on her to plan the next big walk. I do try to take my turn but honestly I often let her make the plan. And another friend who is more city based and knows different cafes and restaurants and whose taste I share - I let her suggest where and when because I like to explore different places to my usuals. So maybe I'm a bit lazy with them.

If I'm honest I don't really have enough friends for not working (I have a new job starting soon and the probably it won't be so bad). Through my career I worked full time so don't have so many school Mum friends and many of my good friends are married still and get caught up in their local lives. some are very couple focused and Covid times has just made life more boring. Less people seem to go out.

I always planned that I'd expand my hobbies and interests when the kids went to university bur unfortunately covid struck and everything went away. I'm proud I kept my resilience but I've had to dig deep to keep going. I'm an extrovert so quiet life is, well, a bit boring.

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 29/01/2022 20:45

Imo they should def appreciate you op.
I am 50 and nobody to go for coffee with!!

imjustanerd · 29/01/2022 20:51

They both sound like my Mil who is bloody hard work.

billy1966 · 29/01/2022 21:48

Are you fit OP?
Or interested in getting fitter?
Tennis is a great game to take up as you age.
Great fun and very social.

Bouledeneige · 29/01/2022 22:02

I'm not fit at all. I did do tennis some years ago but I wasn't that good (I have an okay serve and forehand but I'm not too reliable) and I got fed up of mixed club night with competitive men getting impatient with me.

OP posts:
Mummy1608 · 29/01/2022 22:12

It's not age, it's something else, confidence maybe or even stinginess (wanting to get the max out of paying at a bar eg). I had a friend who was like this even in her twenties, tried to take her to a casino but everyone was "weird, looking at me funny", "that man leaned across me" (to place a bet at the roulette table hun, stand back if you aren't betting!) and she would refuse to meet me in a bar herself if she got there first, we'd have to meet outside in the rain because she wouldn't sit in a (genteel, non-dodgy) bar on her own.

Having said that, I can be fussy about picking a comfy table at a restaurant! But making you move table several times is crackers

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