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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AITA- double barrel last name as we’re not married

47 replies

Bl3nded · 29/01/2022 06:54

I grew up in social care and have no connection to any biological family. I went on to get married and take on my husbands last name. We had two children 14 & 12. However are now divorced. I still use the last name as it’s the same as my children. I’ve been in a relationship with someone else for 5 years ans we are expecting a baby in June. AIBU by asking for a double barrel last name so that my kids and I can have a connection to the new one, just like him and his daughter. He says he will never do this as it’s my ex husbands name, that he’s prefer me to use my maiden name. ( my Father was an alcoholic, drug addict and wife beater who abandoned me at 6 months old) I don’t want his last name. Also my ex is ok with his last name being involved as he knows how important connection to family is.

OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 29/01/2022 06:57

It's your name and your children's. I can understand how and why he feels like that - patriarchal society, etc etc. You need to keep repeating that you changed your name x amount of years ago and it's your name now. And your children's.

meditrina · 29/01/2022 06:58

Are you going to be comparing answers on Reddit (AITA) to answers here?

As you are not married, then give the DC your name as is traditional. It doesn't matter that it's the name you took as yours at the time of your first marriage, rather the ne you had at birth, it's still yours now. Then all DC will 'match'

TenThousandSpoons · 29/01/2022 07:00

YANBU. Why would the baby have your maiden name when you use your new name? That’s your name.
Tell DP it’s double barrelled or just your surname. As you aren’t married the baby would traditionally be given the mother’s surname. “DP says he would never do this” isn’t his choice to make.

CandyMan89 · 29/01/2022 07:02

Just give baby your partners name. Stop complicating things.

SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 29/01/2022 07:02

If you’re not married he doesn’t get a say. He’s actually lucky that you’re considering adding his name in, and not just giving it yours.

MadameMinimes · 29/01/2022 07:03

Why does he think he gets to veto this? It’s totally up to you. If you’re not married and he is being difficult about double-barrelling, then just use your name and leave his off. It’s your name and I don’t see why it matters how you got it.

He seems to not understand that it’s up to him to convince you to include his name, not vice versa, as all the power to register a name is with you.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 29/01/2022 07:03

You are suggesting a fair compromise. You both want to give baby your name. The fact your name is shared with your ex is irrelevant, its yours.

Ohdoleavemealone · 29/01/2022 07:04

@CandyMan89

Just give baby your partners name. Stop complicating things.
Why should she? How is it more complicated that the baby has her name than his?
Krakenchorus · 29/01/2022 07:19

Just give the baby your name. You and all your dc will share a name, which is the outcome you'd like. No need for dp or your baby to hyphenate.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/01/2022 07:26

He has two options.

  1. Double barrelled
  2. Your name only

He's been incredibly unfair to say his surname should be used but yours and the siblings shouldn't.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 29/01/2022 07:27

@CandyMan89

Just give baby your partners name. Stop complicating things.
Just give baby your name. Stop complicating things.

Fixed it for you.

erinaceus · 29/01/2022 07:31

I can sort of see where he is coming from.

He needs to understand that your name is yours and your children's and doesn't represent your previous husband anymore. I'm not sure how you communicate this sentiment though.

45redballoons · 29/01/2022 07:34

Oh this is tricky. I'm not sure how I'd feel about my child having the same name as my partner's ex. I'd like to think that as clearly your association with your maiden name is worse, then I'd make myself OK with it, but still tricky.

Snowiscold · 29/01/2022 07:37

The baby gets your current surname. Or the name is double barrelled. That’s the only choice. And it’s your choice. Your DP has no say. Does he understand this?

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 08:04

@erinaceus

I can sort of see where he is coming from.

He needs to understand that your name is yours and your children's and doesn't represent your previous husband anymore. I'm not sure how you communicate this sentiment though.

I agree with this. At the moment he probably feels like why is ex's name getting involved. You need to somehow get across to him that you don't see it as a name you took on from ex.

What is AITA?

VelvetChairGirl · 29/01/2022 08:33

If you grew up in social care and have no connection to your family why dont you just change your name to what ever you like and the kids, why use an ex husbands name its odd.

if Yahoo Serious can call himself that I dont see why you cant pick your own.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 29/01/2022 08:37

@VelvetChairGirl because she has two older child with her ex husband who also share that name?

VelvetChairGirl · 29/01/2022 08:44

[quote Allpenguinsarepingus]@VelvetChairGirl because she has two older child with her ex husband who also share that name?[/quote]
So what?

surnames are part of the patriarchy, the husband owns the wife, no longer wife now so no longer property thus shouldn't have the name.

the kids will always be his and the new kid simply is not his and using an ex's name on someone elses kid is hurtful to the father.

so why carry someone elses ownership when you are not together, and the new guy is the only father.

my kid has a double barrel name, mine and his fathers because we were not married, he intends to change his name when he's legally old enough to do so and thats his business.

erinaceus · 29/01/2022 08:58

@MooSakah

AITA = Am I the asshole? i.e. am I the one who is in the wrong here?

AITA is a subreddit, here.

BananaBlue · 29/01/2022 09:06

Is your partner upset that the child will have ‘another man’s name?’

Because if so he wouldn’t want the child to have your maiden name either.

I assume you’ve had your surname since before your DC was born, that’s a long time and it’s yours you own it it’s not some ‘other man’s name’ anymore and you have your DC feelings to consider.

I’d prefer to give the baby my surname and maybe compromise at a DB as I’d hate to have a different name from my DC.

In your situ I wouldn’t even change my name on marriage.

Primarily it’s your decision as you can register alone whereas he cannot.

ThePenguinIsDrunk · 29/01/2022 09:11

YANBU (although you are to use AITA in the AIBU board).
If i were in this situation and my partner absolutely refused I think I would be giving the baby my last name (i.e. ex's name) so that we all had the same name.

RantyAunty · 29/01/2022 09:13

Just give the baby your surname.

DP isn't your husband. He doesn't get a say.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/01/2022 09:23

Yabu to have not had this conversation before trying to have q child with him.

Yanbu on wanting the same name for your children and if you are not married to him I would register the child's birth alone and do what you want as I doubt the relationship will Go the distance if you can't agree on a surname

On the name front if he'd be happy with your maidenhead he should be happy using your current name .

MooSakah · 29/01/2022 09:30

[quote erinaceus]@MooSakah

AITA = Am I the asshole? i.e. am I the one who is in the wrong here?

AITA is a subreddit, here.[/quote]
Oh so this is from reddit?

I've never used reddit. Sounds like a less polite version of AIBU

CailleachGranda · 29/01/2022 11:11

[quote erinaceus]@MooSakah

AITA = Am I the asshole? i.e. am I the one who is in the wrong here?

AITA is a subreddit, here.[/quote]
I thought it was an unusual first name Grin