AITA- double barrel last name as we’re not married

[Bl3nded]

I grew up in social care and have no connection to any biological family. I went on to get married and take on my husbands last name. We had two children 14 & 12. However are now divorced. I still use the last name as it’s the same as my children. I’ve been in a relationship with someone else for 5 years ans we are expecting a baby in June. AIBU by asking for a double barrel last name so that my kids and I can have a connection to the new one, just like him and his daughter. He says he will never do this as it’s my ex husbands name, that he’s prefer me to use my maiden name. ( my Father was an alcoholic, drug addict and wife beater who abandoned me at 6 months old) I don’t want his last name. Also my ex is ok with his last name being involved as he knows how important connection to family is.

AITA means Am I the Ar$ehol3.

@CailleachGranda

On mumsnet, sometimes posters like to answer as if we live in a different society.

In this society, 100% giving a child a surname of a man who isn’t there father is weird.

You’re allowed to write arsehole on here. We’re all grownups.

YABU to use AITA, this is AIBU.

Since you’re not married I would give the baby your name.

@Bl3nded

AITA means Am I the Ar$ehol3.

You can just say arsehole on here. And fuck and bollocks and all the other words.

It's your name.

And your DP, if you're in the UK, needs to understand that it isn't his choice. Men who want to be able to decide their children's surnames need to be married to the mother. Otherwise, it's a no.

@FabianK

On mumsnet, sometimes posters like to answer as if we live in a different society.

In this society, 100% giving a child a surname of a man who isn’t there father is weird.

I was in this situation, never seemed weird and nobody ever commented as I had the same surname as my mother. The fact that it was her married name (and she'd been divorced about 8 years when I came along) was irrelevant.

@FabianK

On mumsnet, sometimes posters like to answer as if we live in a different society.

In this society, 100% giving a child a surname of a man who isn’t there father is weird.

It’s the OP’s surname now. Probably the surname she’s had for almost half her life and certainly most of her adult life. It’s the name she has chosen for herself.

Why is this hard for people to understand? OP wants to have the same name as all her children. Her name was changed a long time ago, because her two eldest were born. Now it’s her name. Hers. Everyone knows her by that name. She wants her baby to have HER name as well as her baby’s father’s name. HER name that she is currently using and plans to use for the rest of her life.

OP the only other reasonable suggestion I have for you is to double barrel your name with your partner’s name and then give baby your partner’s name. Then you still share a name with all your children.

Is this an option?

Get married. Take DPs name. Give new baby yours and DPs name. Change the surname of your 2 older children to double barrell so that they have their dad's name still but also yours?

*before her two eldest were born

The baby either has your name or is double barrelled.
I wouldn't back down. You're the one who registers the birth so he can't actually stop you. A baby should have their mothers name, if you want to allow him to add his and double barrel then that's fair. But you cold rightfully give your child your last name.
He can change his to yours if he wants, then the whole family would have the same last name!

He says he will never do this as it’s my ex husbands name

He doesn’t need to change his name.
You do what you like with your new baby’s name.

@FabianK

On mumsnet, sometimes posters like to answer as if we live in a different society.

In this society, 100% giving a child a surname of a man who isn’t there father is weird.

She's not giving her child the name of a man who isn't their father. She's giving a child the name of their mother. Or do we still live in a society where we're owned by men? Can she not own her own name?

@SomewhereOnlyIKnow

If you’re not married he doesn’t get a say. He’s actually lucky that you’re considering adding his name in, and not just giving it yours.

This isn't true. Presuming he is going on the birth certificate, he will have legal Parental Responsibility, just as he would if you were married. And of course if you're a couple you should agree the name. That said, he's no real basis to object to your perfectly reasonable in the circumstances proposal re the name.

I absolutely would not be happy if dp wanted to give our child, the name he shares with his ex wife (if he took her name).

Wether its now ops or not, she got it because she married her ex. Where names come and how she got are obviously important to op.

@ringoutthebells

This isn't true. Presuming he is going on the birth certificate, he will have legal Parental Responsibility,

The naming of a child is entirely the choice and responsibility of an unmarried mother. The father can apply to be named on the birth certificate as the father but he can't change the baby's name.

It's traditional, and legally the default, that babies of unmarried mothers get their mother's surname.

@MadameMinimes

Why does he think he gets to veto this? It’s totally up to you. If you’re not married and he is being difficult about double-barrelling, then just use your name and leave his off. It’s your name and I don’t see why it matters how you got it.

He seems to not understand that it’s up to him to convince you to include his name, not vice versa, as all the power to register a name is with you.

This.

Absolutely this!

The older children have a different father who is a good father to them. I would not want them to lose his name. I’m not married to my OP, my last name is the same as my children. I chose to keep it as I’ve had it since I was 21. My entire identity as an adult and mother is wrapped in the name. It allowed me to shed my traumatic past childhood, and the name associated with it. I really don’t want to use my maiden name.

I see both sides of this. I definitely understand your perspective. I also understand his.

It’s unfortunate that so many men expect that only men can ‘own’ names, and that they’re used to show ownership of women and children. But as long as so many women continue to let them believe this, that’s an almost impossible expectation to change. So on a logical level, I can see that it’s confusing for your partner that you were previously comfortable with patriarchal norms, but you are now not comfortable with them (you feel ownership over your name, which you kept after divorce).

It’s interesting, a lot of the time, when women change their names at marriage, the reason given is simplicity- but no one predicts these sorts of pickles which they can get into later down the line!

He says he will never do this as it’s my ex husbands name, that he’s prefer me to use my maiden name.

my ex is ok with his last name being involved as he knows how important connection to family is.

Neither of these men can dictate this to you. Do what you want, not what they want, you are the one giving birth.