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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex sending dc home from court ordered contact

49 replies

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:12

One dc has severe anxiety issues which developed during lockdown 1 and which have not gone away. They went for a longish time not seeing ex because he did something neglectful and then did not pursue contact (won't go into details as not the point).

I took it to court in the end because I wanted dc to see him in a safe way and wanted cafcass input. Ex has said all the way through that he wanted to see all the dc but actions not particularly backing that up.

Today he was set to collect dc at train station to take them to his town. 2 dc skipped off happily but anxious dc got really stressed and upset wanting to go and not wanting to go at the same time. I worked really hard to reassure and persuade him, all the whole ex just got more and more impatient and kept saying dc was just being naughty, needed boundaries, shouldn't be pandered to etc and not being welcoming to dc at all, or trying to encourage him. He just kept on saying he wouldn't wait any more and dc had to decide in 2 mins, which just makes dc feel more and more stressed and overwhelmed and unable to make a decision.

Eventually ex went off into station with 2 dc and dc3 finally decided he wanted to go to but needed me to come onto platform with him. Persuaded guard to let me through and had to literally run after ex with dc and he seemed happy when I left him.

Then got call 15mins later, dc unhappy, ex will not 'put up with his behaviour' and is going to get straight on a train at other end to return anxious dc to me. I spoke to anxious dc who explained that he had thought the train would be different layout inside and he had had it all planned in his head and he couldn't cope with it being different. Ex in background saying he's just being silly and naughty - no understating or kindness.

Ex has mental health issues himself which he expects everyone else to bend over backwards to understand and accommodate - but he is apparently completely incapable of trying to understand or help dc.

I was quite shocked - it felt like he really didn't want dc to go, couldn't be bothered maybe?

Is it ok for him to just decide anxious dc is too much hard work and bring him back to me?

I felt like I was doing the right thing in doing all I could to help dc to actually go, (and comply with the court order), but now I feel like I've messed up and should have given up and just brought anxious dc home with me.

OP posts:

GirlInACountrySong · 28/01/2022 19:17

if he's that anxious then yes, its best he doesn't go!

your ex recognised it wasn't going to work....why didnt you?

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:19

When dc is finding it hard to go into school his TA or teacher come out and they're kind and welcoming and talk to him about the fun things they're going to do that day and it works.

Ex was just angry and impatient, he wasn't kind or welcoming and appeared to make no effort. Maybe I should have just given up then. Live and learn.

OP posts:

Needcoffeecoffeecoffee · 28/01/2022 19:23

I have an anxious dc and it's not as easy as "recognising it wouldnt work "
My dc would either say they would go or need persuasion to go then something, like the layout of the train carriage, would throw them into a spin. Or you can take time persuading them and then they go and have a great time. And I never know which way it will fall.
I think you did the right thing op.
Not sure how your relationship is with your ex and whether you can agree about how to help your dc and persuade him to go bit for your dc to be able to come home if needed eg just a day not overnight?
It sounds tough

Gazelda · 28/01/2022 19:23

It might be for the best this time. The other 2 get to have some time with their DF. They might come home and say to DC3 that it was OK. He might feel more confident next time.
I know it's hard, and it doesn't sound as though he's been understanding. But try to remain flexible and willing to try.

DysmalRadius · 28/01/2022 19:25

It sounds as the your ex is too much of a dick to parent your children effectively. So long as you have proof that you have tried to facilitate contact, I would let it slide as it sounds like your son won't be missing anything by but being exposed to his unsympathetic approach. Is your son happy not to go to his dad's?

JustWonderingIfYou · 28/01/2022 19:28

How old is anxious child?

Might have been better for the other 2 to have some quality time with their dad focused on them.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:29

The thing is - initially dc refused to get out of car, so we drove off and then dc was in floods of tears saying he'd felt he didn't have enough time and it was too much pressure and he just needed his dad to give him more time. So I called dad and we went back. Dad was already through the ticket barrier and didn't even get up to come over when he saw dc coming back in.

I am fairly sure that if dc hadn't gone, or if he comes home again, that he'll regret it and feel really sad.

Unfortunately dad is very unpredictable mood wise and sometimes he's great with the dc, sometimes not at all like today. But tomorrow he might be on form.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:31

Anxious dc is 10.

I am scared of ex taking action to enforce the court order if dc doesn't go.

I don't think dc would/will be happy to be home and miss out what his siblings are doing.

OP posts:

Ikeptgoing · 28/01/2022 19:36

You can't force contact even if it is court ordered for ex to have them. However if DCs are in all Ex's care you don't have to go collect them. So effectively you can turn your phone off if you think it's bogus and that ex (as their father) should just manage them all.

IRL though if one DC doesn't want to go and turns back after you made him available and ex accepts that, then it may be best to have him at home with you. And if you think your DS genuinely is upset then it's up to you

It depends on how blunt and tough you want to be.

Hapoydayz · 28/01/2022 19:36

So it's just too much hard work for him to parent his child so he'll just take the easy one. Well you are trying to maintain a relationship with his child, not much you can do. It's down to him

isadoradancing123 · 28/01/2022 19:38

Bit unfair on other two children, pandering to one

Ikeptgoing · 28/01/2022 19:39

Your ex can't enforce court action against you if you made your DS available , let him go up to his Dad and his dad couldn't persuade him to get in train or into his car. But I wouldn't be messing around. DCs go to their Dad, if he returns any into your care then that's done. Forget about the 'they might regret it' they can think in that and go next time

PinkSyCo · 28/01/2022 19:41

Is it ok for him to just decide anxious dc is too much hard work and bring him back to me?

Not really but then he has got two other children there to consider. Also to be honest I would not want my anxious child to be with someone with so little understanding and empathy and would be dying to take my DC back off him. Poor little thing. How old is he?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/01/2022 19:42

Are you the same poster who's ex refused to get food for the kids for the train journey?

He sounds awful. I'd happily keep my child with me rather than send them to him, especially if they're anxious and ex isn't overly accommodating

SeasonFinale · 28/01/2022 19:42

On the basis DC indicated they needed more time perhaps the way forward is to get there earlier in future ao that he has time to adjust before we turns up?

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:42

That is it - it feels like he just cba with dc because of his issues. And this is a man who expects literally everyone he comes into contact with to make adjustments for his own mental health issues, EVERYONE. But he cba to make adjustments for his own child and just says I am 'pandering' to him (presumably school are also pandering in making adjustments daily to enable him to attend and learn), and he just needs 'boundaries' like impatiently giving time warnings and ignoring the immediate negative effect this has on dc.

OP posts:

PinkSyCo · 28/01/2022 19:43

Oh I see that your DS is 10. I imagined him to be a lot younger than that for some reason.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:46

sparepants you got me

season that's a good idea

I didn't include in my op - I have an older dc who has ASD and will not go to contact at all. I was also worried because I knew that he would almost certainly have a meltdown if anxious dc came home again instead of going because he had planned and prepared himself for a weekend doing things which we can't do with a younger one here.

I feel like I'm pulled in all directions and once and just can't do the right thing by everyone.

OP posts:

Grapesavocado · 28/01/2022 19:48

No it's not ok. How unpleasant of him It doesn't sound like he can manage the anxious child without your support. Can you improve your relationship with him for the child's sake? Perhaps you can guide him on him to deal with these situations. No you ideally shouldn't have to but you've got free of him and the children obviously haven't-they deserve anything that will help.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:52

Sadly there was abuse in our relationship and I cannot spend time with him. Cafcass advised that it is best for the dc to minimise contact between us.

Today when I was suggesting that he could tell
Dc he wanted to hear the book and that dc had been excited to read to him his reaction was that he didn't need a lecture and that if he'd known about the book he would have been enthusiastic about it but he hadn't known. I said I'm telling you now, you can be enthusiastic to dc about it right now. He couldn't get over his own anger at having been kept waiting for so long.

Every time I tell him something that dc needs, or that helps him, he either says I'm pandering and it's rubbish, or that I'm lecturing him.

OP posts:

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 19:55

Our DD can be like this with certain things she does have SEN, if she decides she can't/won't do something she is immoveable.

I'm never comfortable with the it isn't fair on the other kids line, yes it isn't and sometimes that's really difficult to be able to do anything about.

I also think that as children grow they should learn that families should support each other and if he's doing it because he genuinely can't help it then everyone including is father should be supporting him. It should work both ways though and he should be supporting his siblings with things they struggle with.

Grapesavocado · 28/01/2022 19:55

He does sound awful. I would just accept this and make your anxious child feel very welcome with you no matter what his dad says.

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 19:59

If you already have a child with ASD are you sure the 10 year old doesn't? Obviously no one can arm chair diagnose but reading back through that could well be high functioning autism and the anxiety is a result of the autism?

Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 19:59

Well ex doesn't sound an appropriate figure to have around your dc right now. Make the night fun and reassuring for your dc tonight op..

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:01

Oh god, dc asked what food we would have at home and I said just vegetables, nothing interesting and mentioned coconut curry which I know he hates. I didn't want to encourage him not to go, I hate to think I might have made him feel unwelcome at home.

I feel horrible right now and I don't even know what's happening because ex is not responding so I have no idea if dc is staying after all or heading home.

OP posts:

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