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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex sending dc home from court ordered contact

49 replies

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 19:12

One dc has severe anxiety issues which developed during lockdown 1 and which have not gone away. They went for a longish time not seeing ex because he did something neglectful and then did not pursue contact (won't go into details as not the point).

I took it to court in the end because I wanted dc to see him in a safe way and wanted cafcass input. Ex has said all the way through that he wanted to see all the dc but actions not particularly backing that up.

Today he was set to collect dc at train station to take them to his town. 2 dc skipped off happily but anxious dc got really stressed and upset wanting to go and not wanting to go at the same time. I worked really hard to reassure and persuade him, all the whole ex just got more and more impatient and kept saying dc was just being naughty, needed boundaries, shouldn't be pandered to etc and not being welcoming to dc at all, or trying to encourage him. He just kept on saying he wouldn't wait any more and dc had to decide in 2 mins, which just makes dc feel more and more stressed and overwhelmed and unable to make a decision.

Eventually ex went off into station with 2 dc and dc3 finally decided he wanted to go to but needed me to come onto platform with him. Persuaded guard to let me through and had to literally run after ex with dc and he seemed happy when I left him.

Then got call 15mins later, dc unhappy, ex will not 'put up with his behaviour' and is going to get straight on a train at other end to return anxious dc to me. I spoke to anxious dc who explained that he had thought the train would be different layout inside and he had had it all planned in his head and he couldn't cope with it being different. Ex in background saying he's just being silly and naughty - no understating or kindness.

Ex has mental health issues himself which he expects everyone else to bend over backwards to understand and accommodate - but he is apparently completely incapable of trying to understand or help dc.

I was quite shocked - it felt like he really didn't want dc to go, couldn't be bothered maybe?

Is it ok for him to just decide anxious dc is too much hard work and bring him back to me?

I felt like I was doing the right thing in doing all I could to help dc to actually go, (and comply with the court order), but now I feel like I've messed up and should have given up and just brought anxious dc home with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:03

sick I have been thinking this for a while and now this has made me think I really need to pursue it further because I think a diagnosis would make ex attitude to ex different. He isn't great with ASD dc1 but at least he does understand that his issues are real.

OP posts:

BurntO · 28/01/2022 20:03

Your child doesn’t want to go. Your ex doesn’t care, frankly. I honestly think your DC being in the care of your ex will likely cause significant issues for them and will only strengthen your child’s anxiety. You might want the break, the space, I get it. But I think this DC needs to stay with you. The father sounds like a bully at best.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:03

Ex attitude to dc

OP posts:

Onthefloor2 · 28/01/2022 20:05

Sounds like the 3 of you need to sit down and talk!

Maybe he wants to go but feel like his leaving his mum behind and “choosing” his dad when he loves you too. Reassure him that it’s fine to go with dad.

Also, you ex needs to calm down a bit.

However I do understand how your ex may feel like your son doesn’t want to be with him because his not showing it. BUT your ex is an adult!! So whilst it does make you feel like shit, you can’t take that out on the child and you just have to keep being patient even though it’s very frustrating

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:06

Yes - next time I will just bring dc to handover and if ex does not succeed in persuading him to go along I'll bring dc home again.

OP posts:

KatyAnna · 28/01/2022 20:06

I don’t really understand why you took it to court when ex had been neglectful and was not pushing for contact. So now you have a court order which one child cannot really cope with and CAFCASS have advised you not really to talk to your ex? So how is child who cannot cope going to manage if there is no communication between you and your ex about what might work and in fact your ex goes against what you say might work? Why would you not just get on with your life and support DC?

I know probably because you want DC to have a relationship with their father. But you cannot force that, your ex and DC need to be able to manage that. And if your ex was abusive to you, and you did not want to stay with him, then why should DC be made to stay?

Maybe you also want a break from parenting and time with older DC which is also reasonable. Do you have a trusted grandparent or someone who could look after DC kindly and with understanding?

I would honestly look at what you hoped to achieve with this court order and whether it was/is actually realistic and reasonable. And then take steps to get it varied.

Onthefloor2 · 28/01/2022 20:06

Basically the 3 of you each need to pull together and be abit more understanding of the others situation

Sickoffamilydrama · 28/01/2022 20:08

@SpiderPlantAtHome

I'm glad my comment might be helpful then, I hope you get the answers you want.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:10

I took it to court because the dc wanted to see him and I had no idea how this could happen safely so wanted professionals to advise. Maybe a mistake but everyone from every angle told me getting a court order would be best thing to do.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2022 20:11

Your DS’s reaction to the train screams out ASD to me, he obviously can’t deal with things being different than he expected. I think your ex did the right thing in returning him, there’s a chance he did try and calm him down before deciding he needed to go home? My ex is pretty useless at dealing with our dc (both autistic) and I allow him to return them early if he needs too, at the end of the day the dc come first, if they need to come home then that’s ok. Of course their dad should be able to deal with it but would you rather he made him stay and lost his temper with him? Upset him even more?

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:16

Ex didn't return dc. He called saying he would and I've been waiting all this time for a call to say come back to the station because they've come back but just heard that dc is ok now and has gone to ex house.

Now I have to worry all weekend that dc is masking and will be upset on his return.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:16

But yes - he definitely has some ND traits.

OP posts:

KatyAnna · 28/01/2022 20:20

@SpiderPlantAtHome

Yes, maybe it just seems strange to me as I am in a different jurisdiction. I can understand wanting an outside view on how to take things forward. The problem is what ex said in court and how he is behaving now does not add up and you cannot make him pay attention to DC’s needs, but just keep trying and make sure DC has appropriate support from you.

TatianaBis · 28/01/2022 20:20

I think it's better when people cba to parent to leave them to it.

Forcing someone who doesn't really want to parent to do so is simply going to result in incidents like this, exacerbating DS's anxiety.

You cannot make him parent effectively, he will always parent badly.

PinkSyCo · 28/01/2022 20:28

I spoke to anxious dc who explained that he had thought the train would be different layout inside and he had had it all planned in his head and he couldn't cope with it being different.

This screamed out ASD to me, someone who has little to no experience of autism, so I’m quite concerned as to why autism never crossed your mind when you have two other autistic children.

Theunamedcat · 28/01/2022 20:29

Your ex is winding you and your child up next time go to the train station say to child its OK not to go but you must show your face to your father so he knows I've bought you (making them avaliable) when dad comes to collect do not engage with any persuasion tactics at all shrug it off put them back in the car or wave them off as necessary any messages saying they are coming back should be met with minimal responses like "ok" or "what train" any attempt to engage with child blaming behaviour just ignore it don't engage and make any effort to force contact he will not be getting the response he is used to or looking for he might respond by trying harder or trying less either way for your mental health disengage

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:32

@PinkSyCo

I spoke to anxious dc who explained that he had thought the train would be different layout inside and he had had it all planned in his head and he couldn't cope with it being different.

This screamed out ASD to me, someone who has little to no experience of autism, so I’m quite concerned as to why autism never crossed your mind when you have two other autistic children.

As I have already said on this thread I have been wondering about dc not being NT for some time. So no concern needed

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 20:33

Good advice cat

OP posts:

TatianaBis · 28/01/2022 20:59

next time go to the train station say to child its OK not to go but you must show your face to your father so he knows I've bought you (making them avaliable)

Really not fair on the child at all. DS is not a pawn in a contact game. He's an anxious child who will have to prepare for train, seeing father, maybe going maybe not etc.

Original poster

SpiderPlantAtHome · 28/01/2022 21:10

I have never and will never use the dc as pawns. I have shielded them from unpleasantness as much as possible (ie. Where it's not been shoved in their faces by ex) and they know nothing about the court order or that I have to make them available. I didn't read or internet that post in that way.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 28/01/2022 21:19

I have an anxious asd child the absolute BEST thing I did for him is step back I prep him we get there he decides and actually he goes more often than not these days and he doesn't hate me afterwards because while I was forcing cajoling insisting etc he was resenting and blaming me if he didn't enjoy being there so take the pressure off before he was going kicking and screaming or sullen and moody and coming home smashing up the house and flipping out now he can come home moody but it's nowhere near as bad and dad can't get to me he tries but because I protect ds by backing him if he cannot face going he backs me by being truthful when people ask is mum stopping you from seeing dad his response is no its my choice (his dad was trying to force him to lie and say I was stopping access he would parrot the lie infront of dad I would say talk to him on his own and he would tell them he lied 🤷‍♂️)

Gizacluethen · 28/01/2022 22:01

I know you've said you're thinking about it yourself but this

I spoke to anxious dc who explained that he had thought the train would be different layout inside and he had had it all planned in his head and he couldn't cope with it being different.

Is a HUMONGOUS part of my autism. I definitely think looking into that as I'm also incredibly anxious and it comes from the desperation to be able to mask so constantly needing to be prepared so I can mask.

His dad is doing a shite job of making his kids (all of them) feel secure and loved. Just make sure your kid knows they can also rely on you to be there.

Gizacluethen · 28/01/2022 22:03

Sorry I meant, I think looking into that would be super helpful for the kid in the long run.

Lockdown has reduced exposure to things like this so reactions tend to be stronger. I always find when I avoid exposure to my triggers they just get more sensitive.

You're doing brilliant though. They're lucky to have you.

TatianaBis · 28/01/2022 22:05

I have never implied that you would OP, just pointing out that that is what that advice amounts to.

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