Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU...playdates

30 replies

JR84 · 28/01/2022 18:39

Evening all...my 8 year old son has had the same best friend since starting school. I am aquainted with his mum, but tend to have more to do with his dad as he is a stahd. We have often met up at the park etc and are reasonably friendly. When I have met his wife, I find her a bit disingenuios and often catch her looking me up and down, even though I try to be friendly. My OH always jokes that he fancies me (the feeling is definitely not mutual btw...) and I suppose if I really look for it he can be quite heavy on the eye contact etc and sometimes has given the impression that he may like me, although I certainly haven't responded. Anyways, I have had his son round to ours to play on several occasions, yet the invitation is never reciprocated. His son has had numerous other children round to play recently (some who he doesn't even like), leaving my son feeling upset as to why he is never asked round to play. I'm really not sure what is going on, but it makes me feel upset as I feel like it is being done deliberately for some reason, yet I've never tried to do anything other than be nice?!

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/01/2022 18:46

You’ll have to ask him. I’d assume he thinks your son is a bit of a handful. That’s the only reason I’d avoid being responsible for someone else’s kid.

YellowLemonz · 28/01/2022 18:47

His wife might be threatened by you.

TheSnowyOwl · 28/01/2022 18:51

I’d imagine they don’t want your child at their house for whatever reason. Stop inviting their child and try to encourage other friendships.

RedskyThisNight · 28/01/2022 18:55

Maybe the friendship is more onesided that you think?

Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 18:56

I'd feel really awkward bringing it up though if I were to ask why do you never invite my son back?! I had hoped by inviting him round to ours lots of times it would prompt a return invite! And not that I'm being biased but my son definitely isn't a handful 🤣 he's well behaved and polite and just upset that he never gets to go round to his best friend's house when ever other child does 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 18:58

@RedskyThisNight

Maybe the friendship is more onesided that you think?
It isn't though...the dad has arranged lots of meet ups outside of school, just never at the house 🤷‍♀️
OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 28/01/2022 18:59

Maybe they feel they see enough of you outside of school so don’t need to bother with play dates.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/01/2022 19:00

I suppose if they see each other at the park etc there is no need to have playdates at home on top of that?

I doubt it's jealousy (you would have less contact dropping and picking up than hanging out together at the park). Maybe they just want to foster a range of friendships, which is not a bad idea.

TheSnowyOwl · 28/01/2022 19:04

Also my DC often have play dates with children who aren’t their closest friends but I get on well with their parents so do it as a favour to them to help out when childcare falls through or after school clubs aren’t available. It could be a reciprocal agreement that’s similar. Regardless, you won’t be at the play date so I don’t see why it would have anything to do with you.

FelicityPike · 28/01/2022 19:04

I’m the opposite. My DD has been to her friend’s house on numerous occasions and on days out with the family.
I have asked her mum several times for the wee friend to come to our house (my DD is so keen for friend to see her toys and things), yet there’s never an answer.
I’m at the stage now where I don’t even want to ask any more.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 28/01/2022 19:06

Ohhhhh I see what answer you’re looking for. Here you go:

“The dad obviously really fancies you and doesn’t want to arrange play dates where your perfectly behaved son is just dropped off at his house because it would mean a few hours of not being able to gaze at your beautiful face.”

StarsAreWishes · 28/01/2022 19:06

Do any of the play dates outside their home involve just your son and not you?

Ikeptgoing · 28/01/2022 19:23

One of my DDs close friends in Yr6 often came round to my house for play dates and sleepovers. My DD was never invited to her house. Her parents turned out to be CFs as they were constantly expecting me to take her DD home from events as well, not turning up for hours when play date or sleepover had ended, and when I said 'your turn as I can't do ever week' said they couldn't bring my DD home in their car as it was "out of their way" (errrr what did they think I'd been doing for their DD for 6 months?! )

I stopped inviting their DD round, encouraged more equal friendships over time and we don't see this girl anymore. It was a using friendship.

So imo just arrange play dates out with this boy. And find a more equal friendship so your DS doesn't get hurt. You do that by inviting other School friends round!

Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 19:23

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Ohhhhh I see what answer you’re looking for. Here you go:

“The dad obviously really fancies you and doesn’t want to arrange play dates where your perfectly behaved son is just dropped off at his house because it would mean a few hours of not being able to gaze at your beautiful face.”

Oh yes... very original obviously looking for that answer 🤦‍♀️...I have literally NO interest in the dad in that way whatsoever & have tried to turn my focus more to the mum when I see her. My son isn't naughty, and goes on and has playdates with other children too...but just really wants one with his best friend
OP posts:
Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 19:24

@StarsAreWishes

Do any of the play dates outside their home involve just your son and not you?
On the odd occasion, but normally I'm there
OP posts:
Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 19:26

@Ikeptgoing

One of my DDs close friends in Yr6 often came round to my house for play dates and sleepovers. My DD was never invited to her house. Her parents turned out to be CFs as they were constantly expecting me to take her DD home from events as well, not turning up for hours when play date or sleepover had ended, and when I said 'your turn as I can't do ever week' said they couldn't bring my DD home in their car as it was "out of their way" (errrr what did they think I'd been doing for their DD for 6 months?! )

I stopped inviting their DD round, encouraged more equal friendships over time and we don't see this girl anymore. It was a using friendship.

So imo just arrange play dates out with this boy. And find a more equal friendship so your DS doesn't get hurt. You do that by inviting other School friends round!

Yes that's exactly what im thinking...stop knvitkng him round again full stop and just arrange playdates with other kids...
OP posts:
sunshineandshowers40 · 28/01/2022 19:29

I think @TheSnowyOwl could be correct. I'm not a huge fan of play dates; quite often when I have them I doing a favour for the parent. Although if DC has been to someones house loads, I will invite them to ours. I would much rather meet in the park when they were in KS1.

RedskyThisNight · 28/01/2022 19:54

It isn't though...the dad has arranged lots of meet ups outside of school, just never at the house

so he's probably just inviting a different child for a change?

At aged 8, I'd suggest your son just asks his friend if he can come to his house and play. In a year or so they will be "playing out" and in and out of each others' houses constantly anyway.

FanciedChange · 28/01/2022 19:56

Is there a huge wealth disparity between your family and theirs? I have heard of this putting off some families from offering reciprocal playdates.

BurntO · 28/01/2022 19:57

Are you pretty? Outgoing? Grin

I think the wife has a vibe the husband likes you, maybe it is innocent, even as a friend, but maybe she’s insecure

For your sons sake I’d crack on, if it isn’t an issue inconvenience, as obviously they have an issue with you somewhere but don’t let it effect their friendship if you can. The parents are being weird

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/01/2022 20:02

I had this also. I texted the mum something like ‘dd is asking for another play date and I wondered if you wanted to do it at yours otherwise your dd could come to mine’. It worked. But there was no reciprocation after that. After several months at the end of yr1, dd and her friend came over to me asking about a play date and I suggested they asked the girl’s mother. A few minutes later, dd came back crying as the mother had said no in front of dd, she had to organise one with x child (ie reciprocation) but didn’t see the need to reciprocate with mine. That made me so angry I refused to have the girl over for a couple of years.

As your ds gets older, things will change and in the nicest way, you’ll hopefully realise this is just a few years in your ds ‘s life. Your ds will find new friends and it is possible to nurture friendships rather than just this one friend. I realised as dd got older and started to go out alone that it was good if our house to be the place to congregate. If the kids are in my home, I know she (and her friends) are safe. Im also not a well person so nearly always home and her friends trust me and I like having a supportive home for everyone.

Original poster
JR84 · 28/01/2022 20:07

@FanciedChange

Is there a huge wealth disparity between your family and theirs? I have heard of this putting off some families from offering reciprocal playdates.
I would say we're probably equal in terms of situations...
OP posts:
Wondergirl100 · 28/01/2022 20:12

I've had these situations - I honestly think the best path here is to put your child first - that means you ignore your own hurt feelings and just invite the other kid over sometimes but also encourage more friendships.

It really isn't worth getting into a situation where you stop your child playing with their friend because of this. I do understand it is annoying and have got worked up about similar myslef - but Ive always been glad I just chose to be the bigger person.

I also do think it is worth sometimes directly asking - as parents can be oblivious if they are busy.

I'm not sure what on earth the dad fancying you has to do with any of this or why you mentioned it.

Eddielzzard · 28/01/2022 20:21

I've experienced this and I've encouraged friendships with other children. I would still invite the non-reciprocating friend over, but less than I otherwise would. When the kids get older they can arrange their own meet-ups if they're still friends. This is one thing I won't miss about their childhood.

FanciedChange · 28/01/2022 20:21

"I would say we're probably equal in terms of situations..." ahhh, it was just a thought. I know people it has happened to.

It probably isn't the fancying thing either as if the wife thought he fancied you surely she'd rather it round theirs than at the park without her or him dropping DC off at yours?

Probably just not wanting to return the free childcare.

Swipe left for the next trending thread