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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong to not make contact?

34 replies

RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 12:31

My ex hasn’t seen our children in a year (this is entirely his choice) we split up 5 years ago and since then he’s made very little effort to keep in contact with them and has seen them about 5 times (each for a few months) over the 5 years, he never sticks around for long. The last time he saw them was January last year when he brought their Xmas presents to my house 3 weeks after Xmas day.

Anyway that was the last time he saw or spoke to the children, recently my oldest dd has been asking to call her father I’ve struggle with what to say. I posted on another parents group asking what I should say to my daughter and was told I should contact him and tell him dd wants to speak to him. I don’t think that’s the right answer and I promised myself I would never chase someone to be a father or be involved. If they wanted to be then they would be. I said that I didn’t plan to contact him and just wanted to know what to say to my dd but it was made out like it was me then stopping the contact? My dd is not old enough to understand or process why he doesn’t want contact and I don’t want to hurt her. Am I wrong to not contact him?

OP posts:
SunsetsAndLollypops · 28/01/2022 12:44

No advice as such, I’m in a similar position but my son is just 2.5 years old. Hasn’t seen or had contact with his dad for 2 months now (dads choice). It’s hard though isn’t it? My son regularly asks to speak to his dad but like you I’m of the thinking that you can’t make someone be a parent. I mean, if I did contact him I’m sure he’d speak to my son but for me his half arsed parenting isn’t good enough. Before he stopped contact my son would get upset when he failed to turn up for contact, wouldn’t answer the phone etc. Now he’s happy to just hear something along the lines of “no, you can’t phone daddy as he’s being very silly and selfish at the moment”. Me personally I gave up with the excuses “dadddys busy”… as I felt I don’t want my son to carry this with him and see it as his fault somehow if you know what I mean. For me, if he ever sorts his act out and wants to be a consistent parent who can provide a stable regular influence to my son the doors open. Until then my son knows he’s loved by lots of other people and I’ll just keep reiterating that his dad is just not a good daddy, but that’s not his fault. It is difficult though you have my sympathy

gobbledygoook · 28/01/2022 12:47

I wouldn't think about it as chasing someone to be a father / involved, I'd think about it as doing something that your DD wants. If she's too young to initiate contact herself, it'd be nice if you could help her with it. Obviously if you try and the father isn't bothered / doesn't want to, at least you'll know you made every effort to help (and when your DD is older and asks you'll be able to explain this).

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 12:49

Thank you, I feel similar I don’t want to teach my daughter that if someone isn’t interested in you that you chase them or beg for contact, also he won’t be consistent with contact even if he did want to see her since he never has been, so I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces all over again, I can’t force him to be involved and if he wanted to be he would be the one reaching out.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 12:51

@gobbledygoook

I wouldn't think about it as chasing someone to be a father / involved, I'd think about it as doing something that your DD wants. If she's too young to initiate contact herself, it'd be nice if you could help her with it. Obviously if you try and the father isn't bothered / doesn't want to, at least you'll know you made every effort to help (and when your DD is older and asks you'll be able to explain this).
He has told me in the past not to contact him again unless it’s an emergency. So for me it will feel like I’m chasing someone that doesn’t want to be involved.
OP posts:
Thehop · 28/01/2022 12:55

“I don’t have his number, so we’ll have to wait for him to ring us. We can make him pictures/write some letters and save them if you want?”

IncompleteSenten · 28/01/2022 12:58

Are you wanting opinions or reassurance that you are doing the best thing?

I ask because you say you asked elsewhere and didn't agree with them so you're asking here.

You're her mum. You have to decide what's in her best interests and it sounds like you already know what you want to do, you just want to be reassured you aren't doing damage by it.

IncompleteSenten · 28/01/2022 12:59

He doesn't want to be contacted unless it's an emergency. 🙄
He's a bastard of the highest order isn't he?

MrsSquirrel · 28/01/2022 13:00

@IncompleteSenten

He doesn't want to be contacted unless it's an emergency. 🙄 He's a bastard of the highest order isn't he?
^This
Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 13:00

Ultimately he is a man unable to be a df.
. Keep it simple. Do say you are sorry he hasn't got to know how amazing she is. And that you are the lucky one to have her around all the time!

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 13:01

@IncompleteSenten

Are you wanting opinions or reassurance that you are doing the best thing?

I ask because you say you asked elsewhere and didn't agree with them so you're asking here.

You're her mum. You have to decide what's in her best interests and it sounds like you already know what you want to do, you just want to be reassured you aren't doing damage by it.

I didn’t ask if I should contact him on the other group I asked what I should say to her when she asks to call him, so was quite taken back but the comments saying to contact him
OP posts:
Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 13:03

@IncompleteSenten

He doesn't want to be contacted unless it's an emergency. 🙄 He's a bastard of the highest order isn't he?
Yes a few years ago he told me to only contact him in an emergency and he “will help” but otherwise not to contact, from that point on I decided I would never contact him first again he has contacted me again since then despite telling me not to contact him Hmm
OP posts:
RainbowBridge21 · 28/01/2022 13:03

Do you have his address? I would let your dd write him a letter and make sure she posts it herself. That way you are not chasing him but you are not stopping your children from contacting him either. You dont want later down the line to be in a position where your kids say 'you never let us contact him' or if he has a change of heart the blame gets put on you.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 13:07

Fortunately I do have all emails and texts where he has told me not to contact so I have evidence of what he has said.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 28/01/2022 13:14

I think a letter written by DD is a good idea. He's her father - half of her identity - and she is always going to wonder about him. It's up to you as the responsoble parent to help her with that.

RainbowBridge21 · 28/01/2022 13:14

Well, I can't really advise but if it were me I guess I'd be honest and if dd was old enough to understand emails and texts I would let them read them and say I'm sorry and can't explain why he doesnt want to talk and that they will always have my love. I don't think there's an easy way to address it.

ChampagneLassie · 28/01/2022 13:19

If you're not going to contact him I think tell her the truth. I think better to tell her the truth "he doesn't want us to get in touch with him, unless it is an emergency" explain that you love her, you don't understand why he would do this, it makes you sad etc etc. I think spinning any sort of story is just making it worse for the future.

Merryoldgoat · 28/01/2022 13:27

How old are your children.

My father was entirely absent and whilst that was fine, it’s been interesting having to explain to my son who is 8 and has asked why he’s only got one set of grandparents.

I decided he was old enough to hear a version of the truth.

I think being truthful is important and she shouldn’t build up an image of a man who cares for her when he clearly doesn’t.

Obviously how you tell her things depends on her age though.

roastingmichael · 28/01/2022 13:37

I think I'd give it one go. Send him a message telling him you've been asked to get in touch.

I wouldn't tell her you're doing it until either he replies or he doesn't and then I would explain what has happened in an age appropriate way. Without knowing the age no-one can really help there. Unless I've completely missed it, sorry if so.

CarelessSquid07A · 28/01/2022 15:59

I would let her write a letter and let her know that he might not want to reply and make it clear that's his fault not hers.

She's been very brave to ask for what she wants when I'm sure she knows deep down its not what you want and that he might reject her.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 16:06

And if he doesn’t respond isn’t that going to cause a lot of upset? I know what she’s like she will wait by the door everyday for a letter back

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 28/01/2022 16:17

Obviously it's only my own experience but I was always waiting for a letter or phone call even though I hadn't been allowed to write. I just got better at hiding it from my Mum because I knew it annoyed her.

You will always have to explain over and over again that he's gone because he's not capable and it's not her fault to stop her thinking it,so explaining he may not be able to write back is similar. Or say you'll keep the letter she writes for him for when he gets in touch.

JustALittleHelpPlease · 28/01/2022 18:04

How old is she? Personally I'd go with a version of the truth - age appropriately. Perhaps something like "daddy has said he's too busy at the moment. He'll tell us when he's not busy any more".

gorseinon28 · 28/01/2022 18:19

What I would suggest would depend a lot on how old your DD is.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 28/01/2022 18:23

She is 10 but she has autism hence her struggling to understand the situation she isn’t mentally the same age as a NT 10 year old so she doesn’t understand when I explain things to her.

OP posts:
Tal45 · 28/01/2022 18:34

I would tell her that her dad hasn't learned/isn't ready to be a good dad yet and so it's best not to contact him. Perhaps say that if she wants to draw him a pictures or write him a letters she can, but that he probably won't reply as he's not learned/ready to be a good dad yet.