Am I wrong to not make contact?

[RedCandyApple]

My ex hasn’t seen our children in a year (this is entirely his choice) we split up 5 years ago and since then he’s made very little effort to keep in contact with them and has seen them about 5 times (each for a few months) over the 5 years, he never sticks around for long. The last time he saw them was January last year when he brought their Xmas presents to my house 3 weeks after Xmas day.

Anyway that was the last time he saw or spoke to the children, recently my oldest dd has been asking to call her father I’ve struggle with what to say. I posted on another parents group asking what I should say to my daughter and was told I should contact him and tell him dd wants to speak to him. I don’t think that’s the right answer and I promised myself I would never chase someone to be a father or be involved. If they wanted to be then they would be. I said that I didn’t plan to contact him and just wanted to know what to say to my dd but it was made out like it was me then stopping the contact? My dd is not old enough to understand or process why he doesn’t want contact and I don’t want to hurt her. Am I wrong to not contact him?

DD wants to call him so I would facilitate that tbh. Otherwise you're blocking her attempt to reach out.

I would tell her the truth in a way she can understand.

I told my 9yo that my dad didn’t want to be a daddy and decided not to. That it wasn’t a nice way to behave but sometimes people do things which aren’t nice. I told him I was loved by lots of people and whilst it’s of course nice to have a caring daddy, it is better to have no daddy than one who doesn’t care about you.

It’s honestly going to be worse to facilitate her contacting him if he rejects her.

As a kid who went through this, I think what @tal45 has said is spot on.

You need to make it ok for your DD to ask her questions, talk about her Dad etc but also give her a version of the truth that makes it not about her. Don't block contact but at the same time you can't chase him to be involved, it's a hard balance to find.

My mum was too bitter towards my dad and told us too much of the truth/punished us for missing this guy who we wanted in our lives but that she portrayed as monster. Being a grown up now I can see why my mum wanted us not to want my dad (abusive arsehole) but because he always treated us ok when we did see him, I just ended up resenting my mum for not allowing us to see or speak to him more (even though he wasn't really interested). It's hard to have that sort of perspective as a kid as you generally always see the good in people.

Personally, I think it's fine for you not to make contact; you can't force your EX to be a father if he doesn't want to. If he wanted to call, he would.

I come from a position of bias though. My EX sees our DC every 3 or 4 weeks, and never calls them between visits. He does tell them that they can call him at any time, but there's no way I'm teaching two DC under 6 that they should chase their DF for a relationship. They're just too young, and I don't want that ingrained in their heads for when they are older.

I just feel like I have to add my perspective in this following the pp advising please allow your dc to do x y and z… honestly you seem like a switched on mother who knows what is best for your children. You seem absolutely an advocate for your daughter in this situation: in a normal situation yes I’d be doing all the things pp have advised. However being in a situation where the dad os less than involved I wound absolutely do what you seem to think os the best for your child! The sending a letter advice is all very we’ll and good but what will it achieve?

Exactly my point, if he doesn’t want to see her I’m not sure it’s the best but it seems like most think I should reach out so I will have to think about it as most people are saying I should, when he was in contact I asked him to call the children once a week just so they know he is thinking about them but he called once and never called again so I am fully aware of what his behaviour is like and it’s extremely inconsistent. He will never change.

Thanks to those that shared their experiences it helps to hear it from the child’s point of view.

Ring him. Give him another chance to be a father. If he doesn't follow it through then close the door . I gave my ex several chances but he let them down every time. I called time on him and never heard from him again. Kids are grown up now and know he's a twat and are determined to be the father's to their kids that he never was.
Total waste of oxygen he is

Trust me he’s had multiple chances, are thing is he visits once a year that’s what we say about him (my family not to the children) he has a yearly visit, he’s seen them 5 periods in 5 years each for a couple of months. He’s had many many chances.

My exh also hasn't seen our two children in a year, and prior to that contact was also very sporadic. Maintenance non existent. I used to do the "daddy is working" but over last 3/4yrs have gone with a not bad mouthing but not lying either approach. So, when they ask if they can contact I allowed a text, when no response explained that he is just not good at parenting. They haven't asked more, but I know they look at their dad vs their step dad's relationship with their sibling and them, and are starting to judge. I'd just say he isn't ready for contact, that she could write letters/journal which could be given when both he and she are ready.