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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents from in laws

53 replies

Stacey111213 · 28/01/2022 11:33

I need an “outsider”’s opinion here, me and my husband have reached a deadlock and we can’t seem to reach an agreement!

So my in laws give us things presents that we don’t really need. Every year they ask us what we want for birthdays and Christmas and every year my husband doesn’t care so I give them an Amazon list full of things we do actually need as a household, and every time we don’t get what we need but rather we get useless clutter. My parents always follow the list or send us money or a gift card which is much more useful that random cr*p! I know I sound ungrateful but why ask someone what they want and still give them something as useless as a book called “Beers of the world” which is just full of photos of beers from around the world!
Just in a side note, I have always hated clutter so I regularly get rid of things I haven’t used or things I don’t need. My husband is the opposite - he keeps hold of things “in case we need it”

Anyway, me and my husband will be moving into a smaller flat soon so we need to get rid of some our stuff. I have taken out all of the presents we got throughout the years from the in laws that are basically useless and we haven’t touched - boardgames, books, really ugly ornaments etc. My husband said we’re keeping them because we might need them! I explained that we haven’t touched these in years, some of them are still in the plastic, but he just refuses to get rid of them. Not to mention there will not be space for them in our new place! In my opinion there is nothing sentimental in a useless book called “Is your cat gay” or a useless glass ornament that looks like it came out of a charity shop’s “free” section, but he insists that “we might need them in the future”.

Please tell me, am I being unreasonable?! I want to downsize our stuff so it fits in the new flat but my husband just wants to keep everything. This is a trait his whole family has - his dad lives in a 5 bedroom house alone and 4 of the rooms are full of random useless stuff that he keeps “just in case”. How do I explain to my husband these things are useless and are just clutter? Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing against his family, I got rid of random stuff my family has given us so nothing to do with “my” family against “his” family.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/01/2022 11:36

You are not being unreasonable at all but I don't know how you can deal with him. Maybe take it all to a charity shop when he's at work?

Weenurse · 28/01/2022 11:38

Get a storage unit?
Agree if he hasn’t taken the item out of the storage unit in the next 1 or 2 or 5 years, it can be donated?

Blossomtoes · 28/01/2022 11:38

Your mistake was not just sending it all quietly off to the charity shop. He’d never have noticed if you hadn’t drawn his attention to it.

Santahasjoinedww · 28/01/2022 11:39

Tell dh if you take all that stuff sadly there won't be room for him.
Seriously make him choose. His dp's crap or his marriage...

mrstea301 · 28/01/2022 11:42

Why don't you do a section at a time. Fill a box with stuff and hide it, and if he can guess what's in the box he can keep it.

Or just start sneaking it all away to the charity shop when he's not liking!

forrestgreen · 28/01/2022 11:46

I'd get him a box for his wardrobe. Tell him that he can keep whatever fits in it. But it's definitely not being kept anywhere else as there's no room

TulipsTwoLips · 28/01/2022 11:48

Will there genuinely not be space or is it just that you prefer to live more minimally than he does? Cos if there's genuinely not enough space I'd just let him see that when he tries to move all the stuff into the new place!

MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2022 11:48

If you quietly remove one item per day after a year you’ll be 365 bits of crap down.

Probably difficult to literally but it’s a away of reducing by stealth. You know he will kick back if you ask him so it’s kinder not to bother him. 😊

SarahAndQuack · 28/01/2022 11:53

I'm guessing that if your husband has a thing for keeping useless tat, the presents from his family are not the only useless tat you argue over? I totally get why presents from his family might have a particular emotional role that other tat doesn't, both for you because it annoys you to get it, and for him if he feels guilty about it, or awkward about giving away presents.

So what do you do when you discuss other kinds of tat he wants to keep?

Mrscaptainraymondholt · 28/01/2022 11:55

just get rid of it if it was joint presents - stuff specifically given to him, tell him he either uses it or pays a storage unit himself for it as there is no room....

shropshire11 · 28/01/2022 11:56

I have lived with a low-level hoarder. You have my sympathy. The problem is that there is an emotional underpinning to their views, so they can’t be challenged purely rationally.

If you aren’t careful, a partner’s obsession with objects can be a real blight on your life. I agree with other posters that you need to get tough. Acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with keeping hold of items with genuine sentimental value, but insist on a dividing line between that and worthless tat.

mewkins · 28/01/2022 11:57

@Blossomtoes

Your mistake was not just sending it all quietly off to the charity shop. He’d never have noticed if you hadn’t drawn his attention to it.

I'd have done this.

Yuckypretty · 28/01/2022 11:57

You need to compromise. Tell him he needs to get rid of half of it and if he doesn't chose then you will by X date.

fuckyourpronouns · 28/01/2022 12:02

I feel your pain but also think now is the time for you to draw your line in the sand and be more assertive.

My husband can also be like this as can my inlaws. I have now made it very clear to my husband that if he doesn't find it a home (a proper home) and it won't be used then I will be dealing with it. That means charity shop or bin.

For the inlaws I have spoken to them a bit more gently about really appreciating the things that they have bought however the amount of "things" that have no purpose or use cause me considerable stress when there is always a need to find a home for them so have requested that they buy us an experience which will allow us to spend time together as a family. That has gone down quite well so far. We still get some tat but I just donate it on.

With your ILs I'd probably tell them that you've realised just how many "things" you have as part of the moving process and remind them of this closer to the time of birthdays/Xmas and ask for them to buy you something you need/an experience/the cash towards something you need.

This will involve subtle coaching over the next 12m but honestly, it will be time well spent!

fuckyourpronouns · 28/01/2022 12:03

Also to add - I would just get rid of it. He doesn't even know it's there. Don't tell him.

Sally872 · 28/01/2022 12:05

If you're downsizing then it is really not practical to keep everything.

Set all this kind of stuff to one side and come to a compromise on what he can take. Tell him taking it all is unfair, same as binning it all. He has to choose what he actually wants. Not "might need"

Hopefully when choosing he realises not much is important!

Your husband refusing to declutter is the issue. Inlaws buying presents not on your list is unnecessary backstory which sounds like you don't like them (and I don't think that is your intention). I wouldn't mention that to dh.

Trisolaris · 28/01/2022 12:05

Do you budget money for you own personal spends? If so he pays for a storage unit out of his personal spending budget.

ApolloandDaphne · 28/01/2022 12:05

Have you asked him where he thinks it is all going to go in your new flat, smaller flat? I think the idea of a storage unit is a good one - as long as he agrees to pay for it. This might clarify his thinking if he has to pay for the long term storage of useless rubbish!

Chocolateis1ofyour5aday · 28/01/2022 12:05

There's a big issue with hoarding/crap gifting in our family and it drives me mad too! Especially when I've ended up clearing their houses after they downsized/died!
I'd try and clear by stealth as it's so difficult to steer someone to another way of thinking, especially when your DH has been brought up in an environment where keeping stuff is part of trying to keep control of your surroundings/life.
Or make him pay for an offsite storage unit?!

Unsure33 · 28/01/2022 12:37

i would tell him that you are downsizing and you wont have room so it either goes or he pays for a storage unit and then when its never used he empties it .

honestly we have just downsized and got rid of a lot of stuff but we still have too much .

and the inlaws - tell them no more presents you would rather they pay for a day out for all of you .

Cryingbutstilltrying · 28/01/2022 12:56

Just get shot of it without a word, is he really going to want to read a book about gay cats? Perhaps keep one box with items that you can see might genuinely have a place, and once you’ve moved if he ever says oh where’s that book about gay cats, tell him you don’t know, not seen it since you moved etc. He won’t say it though.

It’s exhausting having to deal with all the crap though, you have my sympathy there.

2Gen · 28/01/2022 13:06

Books called "Beers of the World" and "Is your cat gay?", WTH?? YANBU OP!!!
My husband brings back random shite that other people don't want from time to time and DS and me keep telling him not to and even DH says he hates clutter so WHY does he do it? Who knows! But those books take the biscuit! Are they real books? How the hell does shite like that even get published?? Oh, but those titles are hilarious to me though, so thank you for giving me a laugh and cheering me up!!!

Skeumorph · 28/01/2022 13:10

Sounds like your DH has the hoarder tendency his father has.

I would draw a hard hard line right here or it's the thin end of the wedge. No. The shit isn't coming with you.
Either it goes to the charity shop or the move is off while you discuss your future because you will NOT end up living in a house like his dad's and this IS how that process starts.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 28/01/2022 13:12

I used to sneak to the tip in my car whilst dh was at work. I can't do that now because he's retired and always around. I told him in no uncertain terms that his shite can live in the garage and the attic, but that's it. Sure enough, he's struggling to maintain a clear space and he trips up over it, so he has started clearing it out.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 28/01/2022 13:21

My husband is like this. That's why I love our loft. Out of sight out of mind. Anything we're keeping "just in case" goes up there. Then after a year or two once he's forgot about it, I bin it. Give him two storage boxes and tell him he can fill it with anything he wants to keep just in case and you're donating the rest. Or tell him he can store it all on his side of the bed. We have a meter on the far side our bedroom next to the bed. It's DHs side, so all his stuff stays there. It only inconveniences him so not my problem.

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