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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents from in laws

53 replies

Stacey111213 · 28/01/2022 11:33

I need an “outsider”’s opinion here, me and my husband have reached a deadlock and we can’t seem to reach an agreement!

So my in laws give us things presents that we don’t really need. Every year they ask us what we want for birthdays and Christmas and every year my husband doesn’t care so I give them an Amazon list full of things we do actually need as a household, and every time we don’t get what we need but rather we get useless clutter. My parents always follow the list or send us money or a gift card which is much more useful that random cr*p! I know I sound ungrateful but why ask someone what they want and still give them something as useless as a book called “Beers of the world” which is just full of photos of beers from around the world!
Just in a side note, I have always hated clutter so I regularly get rid of things I haven’t used or things I don’t need. My husband is the opposite - he keeps hold of things “in case we need it”

Anyway, me and my husband will be moving into a smaller flat soon so we need to get rid of some our stuff. I have taken out all of the presents we got throughout the years from the in laws that are basically useless and we haven’t touched - boardgames, books, really ugly ornaments etc. My husband said we’re keeping them because we might need them! I explained that we haven’t touched these in years, some of them are still in the plastic, but he just refuses to get rid of them. Not to mention there will not be space for them in our new place! In my opinion there is nothing sentimental in a useless book called “Is your cat gay” or a useless glass ornament that looks like it came out of a charity shop’s “free” section, but he insists that “we might need them in the future”.

Please tell me, am I being unreasonable?! I want to downsize our stuff so it fits in the new flat but my husband just wants to keep everything. This is a trait his whole family has - his dad lives in a 5 bedroom house alone and 4 of the rooms are full of random useless stuff that he keeps “just in case”. How do I explain to my husband these things are useless and are just clutter? Don’t get me wrong, it’s nothing against his family, I got rid of random stuff my family has given us so nothing to do with “my” family against “his” family.

OP posts:

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 28/01/2022 13:26

Why did you involve him? I would have just got rid of the stuff…he would never have asked where’s the book about beers of the world!??

TooWicked · 28/01/2022 13:31

Just get rid of one of two items each day without mentioning it.

I can guarantee he is never ever going to ask “hey love, do you have any idea where that ‘is your cat gay’ book is?”

RememberThePenguins · 28/01/2022 13:34

My husband is like this. We don't get gifts from his family but every time we visit they try and palm off part of their hoard onto us.

I sneak it out. Take a bag to the charity shop or tip every month or so.

He has never, ever noticed. I've even cleared out some of his clothes (he hoards old t-shirts, just in case and has about 40 of them) and he's never noticed.

Honestly, just get rid of it when he's out and pretend you've packed it with some stuff.

Helpwiththisplz · 28/01/2022 13:35

Oh just get rid of them. He’s never touched any of them, if you’d just ditched them without telling him he’d be none the wiser.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 28/01/2022 13:39

If my DH was given a "Beers of the World" book he'd be on a mission to try them all!

midlifecrash · 28/01/2022 13:53

He wants to keep it then he pays for the storage. But I bet he couldn’t name and describe any of the items. Get something you want, substitute it for the junk, agree to keep it?

FangsForTheMemory · 28/01/2022 13:58

I would get rid of three-quarters of it and if he asks where any of it is, say it's in that box under the stairs (or wherever). He's not likely to go and look for things, is he?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/01/2022 14:45

I'm sure if you were to post a list of the books they have given you in the past there is bound to be someone on MN that would like a read of them!
How does one tell if their cat is gay? I honestly don't know! Did someone do a study on the topic? Do the same rules apply to dogs or other domestic pets?

PollyFlint · 28/01/2022 15:04

It's not really the in-laws' terrible gifts that are the problem - it's your husband's hoarding problem. If you were talking about items that were sentimental, or items that might one day be useful (eg a duplicate of something that could replace the current one when it wears out) then I can see why he might be twitchy about getting rid of them. But he absolutely cannot genuinely believe that a book called 'Is My Cat Gay' or a glass ornament you both hate would ever be 'useful' - that's just not rational and he must know that. It does sound like he might have a bit of a mental block about getting rid of anything, regardless of whether it's a gift from his parents?!

Useranon1 · 28/01/2022 15:35

Tell him if he can come up with a valid use for the 'is your cat gay' book, he can keep it!

ChristmasC · 28/01/2022 15:40

Haha!! You could be me!! Except my mil does actually work in a charity shop, so we get loads of crap from there that other people have already got rid of once!! My tactic is to put the gifts away somewhere quickly after recieving them so DH and DCs haven't had much time to get too attached!! Then I chuck them or return them to another charity shop! :)

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 28/01/2022 16:13

It is a real book!

I thought you were joking!

FitAt50 · 28/01/2022 16:16

I 100% support you and have the same issue with my husband. I now just throw things away without telling him.

Suzanne999 · 28/01/2022 16:20

I’m with you. I hate junk and being given random crap when I’ve been asked what I want and I’ve chosen something small and inoffensive…..does my head in.
Only solution to the gift giving is to tell them you’re not accepting gifts and want a donation given to X Charity instead.
With the stuff in your house I’d just get rid of it. Hoarders find the decision difficult, so send DH off for a day and get it all out the door. Advertise it online and someone will collect or go straight to nearest charity shop.

CorpusCallosum · 28/01/2022 16:23

Just get rid of it, don't bother telling him.

If one day he asks if you've seen the 'Is the cat gay?' book or a particular board game say it must have got lost in the move and you'll buy another copy 💁🏻‍♀️

Suzanne999 · 28/01/2022 16:23

Was going to say also —— don’t pay for storage for things you’ll never use. It will just sit there for years costing you money. A friend has paid for two storage units for about 9 years. She’s never even been to look inside them, just shells out about £3000 a year ( that’s £27 k so far)

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2022 16:26

Your husband is going to hoard out your house if you don't nip this in the bud right now.

3peassuit · 28/01/2022 16:29

Just get rid of it, he’ll never know.

Amandasummers · 28/01/2022 16:32

I don’t know the answer, but I just wanted to say I suffer the same from in laws and you don’t sound ungrateful! I hate the utter useless, usually bulky she always insists on buying us! It’s such a waste of money and does my absolute head in! I’d rather they just didn’t get anything at all!!

GiltEdges · 28/01/2022 16:39

@Blossomtoes

Your mistake was not just sending it all quietly off to the charity shop. He’d never have noticed if you hadn’t drawn his attention to it.

This

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 28/01/2022 16:51

But is your cat gay?

Could you sit down and say OK, let's compromise and meet each other half way, why don't you keep half of the items and donate half of them? Once he actually starts going through it it and getting rid, it will probably be a lot easier to do a big "cull" and cut it right down.

Where are you keeping all this stuff at the moment? If stuff isn't on display in communal areas, it needs to be in storage on "his side" IYSWIM, bottom of his wardrobe or similar. Not taking up space you need or space in communal areas. I do think a bit of compromise is needed here, I am the one in our relationship that likes to keep random shit so I use my wardrobe to store some of it and some of the less horrifically kitsch shit is in the lounge/kitchen. DH compromises as he knows it makes me happy, just like I compromise with the bits of his hobby (terribly outing in true MN style ) equipment that trips me up in the hall

I really want to know if your cat is gay though. Mine definitely is as she is in love with me, obviously.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 28/01/2022 16:54

Also re the in laws thing, how do you get on with them generally? IME, it's hard to stop people like that buying you tat unless you offer a more tempting alternative eg we really don't have room for anything else in the house but if you want to treat us, you can take us for lunch at such and such a place, then we get to spend some time with you doing something nice?

Although this could backfire in that you're forced into socialising with them but then they may still buy you tat, so you're worse off

Cherrysoup · 28/01/2022 17:12

You need to stop this at the source. Speak to his parents. Bin the shite. Don’t even tell him.

crosstalk · 28/01/2022 17:36

Your DH is a hoarder. It's a mental illness which even the nicest, kindest, loveliest people can have. I had a friend with this. He hated rats which were nesting in all his hoarding places but when some were cleaned out he said "but that was a present" even when he hadn't even opened or used it in 40 years. I don't know what to suggest apart from doing it by stealth or confronting your DH or going online for help.

Wafflesnsniffles · 28/01/2022 23:52

I like the suggestion of quietly disappearing things.
With things he is likely to remember/notice if they disappear - maybe try getting him to think of reasons why he needs them.

First off - Dh why do you need a book called "Is your cat gay?"

Because I cant be the only one who wants to know his reasoning!

Good luck with it - he sounds like hard work

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