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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband taking overtime

45 replies

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:01

I’m a SAHM, husband works long shifts and we have 3 children (5,1,newborn).

When DH has days off we spend them together and I can get a bit of a rest as we share the load however AIBU by being annoyed when he takes overtime?

We live an over an hour round trip from his work so that needs taken into account too, his long shifts start when he leaves at 6am-8pm so he misses every aspect of the day with the kids and I am knackered and tandem feeding the youngest 2 as well as juggling school runs, baby groups, housework, breakfast/dinner/tea, bath times, bed times and recovering post partum.

He asks after the overtime is booked if it’s ok, but because I’m a SAHM (not on benefits so rely on his wage) I feel like I can’t really say no.

I’ve asked him if everything is ok and he says yes, it’s just that work need him For x,y & z

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 27/01/2022 14:04

If his work means he has to occasionally do overtime then yabu

Why do you have three kids if you find it so hard to cope with them all?

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:05

@Shoxfordian haha I’m guessing you don’t have 3 or more kids?

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:06

Is his overtime being tagged onto the start/end of his long day, or in addition to?

Without the overtime, how many days a week does he have off?

Please don't assume that you owe him any sort of "debt" because you are not bringing in a wage. You are providing an essential service to his three children. He could equally be in your "debt" as you are providing all the childcare to enable him to work.

So please don't feel like you cannot raise this with him.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:10

Why do you have three kids if you find it so hard to cope with them all?

This is quite a harsh question.

Presumably she anticipated that the childcare would be split a bit more between her and their father and its not working out as planned?

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:11

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Thank you, I feel like I’m really privileged that I get to SAH with the children and genuinely love it, but it is knackering especially with the younger two, he works 4 long shifts a week then takes extra shifts (so full days of 6am-8pm)

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:12

Ah ok.

I think one additional day a week is probably what I'd compromise on in your shoes, given that most full timers work across 5 days, but I also think there should be proprr time for you to step away for a breather (he could do a Saturday trip to the park with the kids as a routine).

grapewine · 27/01/2022 14:13

One income and three kids? Is the overtime needed financially?

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:18

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz yes that’s a nice idea, I might see if he’d do that, I’ll no doubt wait at home worrying or cleaning though

@grapewine somewhat, it’s usually his boss pushing on extra work to be honest, but he’s not obliged to take it, he doesn't get any extra incentives other than his normal hourly wage or time back when he takes the overtime

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:21

@grapewine also.. one income and three kids- it’s cheaper if I stay at home (childcare is too expensive). I’m on Mat Leave currently but not going back to work until youngest is 3.

OP posts:

WorriedGiraffe · 27/01/2022 14:24

He’s not being unreasonable taking over time, he has 3 kids and a wife to support! It’s a huge responsibility. But I think a compromise on it is fair, 2 days off a week sounds perfectly reasonable.

LannieDuck · 27/01/2022 14:25

I think that's a good solution - see if he's willing to limit overtime to just one additional day, so you still get him at home for a 'weekend' when you can share the load and also each take some time as a break.

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:27

@WorriedGiraffe it would if the 2 days was weekends so the whole family can be together but the two days off are usually week days so school age child hardly sees her dad then (he works in 24/7 distribution)

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:29

@LannieDuck yes, it is a good suggestion thank you, just a shame it isn’t an actual weekend where we can do things as a family, it’s usually just spent doing ‘family admin’ (washing, food shop, drs appointments, school runs, see elderly family etc.)

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BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:35

[quote Mamaof3sm]@WorriedGiraffe it would if the 2 days was weekends so the whole family can be together but the two days off are usually week days so school age child hardly sees her dad then (he works in 24/7 distribution)[/quote]
Maybe he could put in a flexible working request to always get one x guaranteed weekend day off per week.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:35

Also nothing to stop him on his day off picking the school age child up and taking them out straight from school for a swim, their tea, to soft play etc

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:36

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz ah he already put that in when we first fell pregnant with our 3rd, it was denied I’m afraid. God loves a trier though eh .. he can try again in 2 years they’ve said.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:37

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz he does take her to swimming lessons but that’s mainly her doing a lesson and him ferrying her around and getting her dressed so I might suggest tea or soft play.. thank you!

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/01/2022 14:38

Legally employees can submit one official request per year

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/01/2022 14:39

It sounds as though he works continental shifts with 4 on 4 off or similar?

Why can't he spend time with the children on his days off? Only 1 is in school and he could do something with them after school, no?

I think its a bit much telling the sole earner they can't or shouldn't work hours that don't suit you, in all honesty.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/01/2022 14:41

Also, if it is a continental shift pattern it's unlikely a guaranteed weekend day off would be approved unless he were to take an unpaid day off when his days fall over the weekend because logistically its not something that can be easily worked around!

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 14:44

@BobMortimersPetOwl ah no, he didn’t request for the weekends off, he requested to start earlier so he could finish earlier so he can see the kids before bedtime, it was denied I’m afraid. He doesn’t work 4 on 4 off either

OP posts:

BobMortimersPetOwl · 27/01/2022 14:46

But again if he starts earlier and finishes earlier that means there's too many people on one shift for a period, and not enough on his shift for a period. It just doesn't work in practicality.

MintJulia · 27/01/2022 14:52

We're in the middle of a sick leave crisis, the stats say companies have up to 25% of staff off sick. It's hardly a surprise that there is a need for overtime.

Plus with five of you and only one salary, perhaps your dh is trying to build up a buffer of savings in case his job becomes insecure or he gets ill.

He should be able to find a compromise though. At least one day a week when all dcs are home, could be weekend, bank holiday, half terms etc.

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 15:34

@BobMortimersPetOwl he’s a manager. No one works on his shift. He was requesting to work in line with his staff

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaof3sm · 27/01/2022 15:36

@MintJulia he isn’t filling in for anyone being off sick, he’s a manager and the only person in that role.

OP posts:

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