Husband taking overtime

[Mamaof3sm]

I’m a SAHM, husband works long shifts and we have 3 children (5,1,newborn).

When DH has days off we spend them together and I can get a bit of a rest as we share the load however AIBU by being annoyed when he takes overtime?

We live an over an hour round trip from his work so that needs taken into account too, his long shifts start when he leaves at 6am-8pm so he misses every aspect of the day with the kids and I am knackered and tandem feeding the youngest 2 as well as juggling school runs, baby groups, housework, breakfast/dinner/tea, bath times, bed times and recovering post partum.

He asks after the overtime is booked if it’s ok, but because I’m a SAHM (not on benefits so rely on his wage) I feel like I can’t really say no.

I’ve asked him if everything is ok and he says yes, it’s just that work need him For x,y & z

Is the money needed/substantial enough to be beneficial?

@girlmom21 I mean any money is nowadays isn’t it, but we don’t ‘need’ it if that makes sense, plus he sometimes gets the time back instead so it’s not even like we get money sometimes, so it’s saved for things like a Drs appointment or mot/garage trip

If you're a SAHM and will be for the foreseeable he doesn't need that time off so I'd discuss him only accepting overtime that he'll actually be paid for.

I have been the sole earner in our household at times (as has my OH) - the mental pressure is immense, and we don't even have kids by choice, so I would imagine that being solely responsible for feeding and housing five people must be very intense.

Your children are very young, OP - perhaps your husband is trying to pull in as much money as possible for the expensive teenage years?

Its a difficult one. If you're a SAHM then he needs to work to provide and if its something he needs to do whenever, then you should support him in the same way he's supporting you.

Hats to you having 3 kids. I could just about cope with a baby and 1 year old. Lastly, congratulations on your newborn.

I don't know but it sounds pretty hard on you all, those are very long days with very small children for you. And so much that he's missing out on. I hope you can find a way to have some family time and also rest times.

@CandyMan89 @sweetbellyhigh thank you very much for such kind and considerate comments, it definitely is a hard balance for everyone!

A lot depends on your financial situation. If you are managing, but not flush, he may well feel under pressure to take the extra pay when it's available. Being the breadwinner is a lot of responsibility, just the same as being the main carer is a lot of responsibility.

I don't think either of you is being unreasonable - I'd have a frank chat with him about your workload, his overtime, family finances (including what you are able to put in pension/savings for a rainy day, and how you can best work as a team to find a good balance.

If you don't need the money and this overtime is regularly requested then the company need to properly consider a request for one of his days off to always be a weekend.

Give and take, I'm afraid.

Do you need the money? It sounds like you don't really know much about your financial situation and that needs to change.

Yes, you have all the childcare load, but he has the load of providing for you all, which is equally stressful. Depending on what your actual position is, I can see why he might take overtime.

It sounds tough on both of you.

Being the sole earner is a huge responsibility, even though financially it makes sense for your family right now. I suspect he wants to take the overtime while it's available so he has some money set aside for a rainy day.

Equally it's just as tough for you when you're home alone with three young children and you can't wait for him to be off so you can get a bit of a breather!

I would maybe ask him to compromise on one extra shift per week, so he's working a standard five days (albeit five long days) and then at least you get two guaranteed days where he's home.

I know it sucks that he has to work weekends but at least if he has his weekdays off, he can do things like the school run and maybe take the other two out for a while to give you some space :)

I never realise how much pressure being the sole wage earner is until dh became a sahd. You don't feel like you can say no to OT at times, yes there's enough money with out it but there is worry in your head that is it enough, if I turn down OT I might not get it when I need it, what if we have an unexpected bill, what if I'm sick, shouldn't we have more savings as a buffer ect - all these thoughts used to race through my head with a mild feeling of panic

@QuestionsorComments what?! how does it sound like I don’t have a clue about our financial situation? Believe me .. WE know exactly our ingoings/outgoings, WE work as a team and know every penny going in and out.. so I have NO IDEA why you think that

@Hankunamatata yes I completely empathise with that feeling, we do have savings/rainy day pot luckily (we paid into that whilst trying for our 2nd), it’s a hard juggle. I’ll definitely try and look from his perspective though @fairylightsandwaxmelts

Thank you

I think by choosing to have 3 children that’s going to be added pressure to provide for all 3. Hard on you being at home for hours on end though, that’s exhausting. Maybe if he only does paid overtime and you agree something it’ll pay for that will be a nice treat e.g. a night away/day out (although that might not be a treat with 3 young children! 😄), something for your home etc
Also when my DH was off when I was on mat leave with 2 children close in age I made sure I got time for myself to try and recharge a bit.

Sorry but 1 wage and 3 kids and all that on one pair of shoulders I would take the overtime .

[quote Mamaof3sm]@BobMortimersPetOwl he’s a manager. No one works on his shift. He was requesting to work in line with his staff[/quote]
But that presumably then means there'd be 2 managers in together for a number of hours, and none for a number of hours.

It's really difficult to make allowances like that within a shift system because of the knock on effects to multiple people.

Quite surprising that a logistics manager would be asked or required to work that much overtime though!

YABU

I'm sahm to 6 kids with a hubby that works away for days to months at a time.

@Chely

YABU

I'm sahm to 6 kids with a hubby that works away for days to months at a time.

But this thread isn't about you

I agree with questionsorcomments although I see you’ve slammed them. If you have a view of finances then that’s extremely relevant. My dh can take his bonus as extra leave, he took it as cash as thought that would help with financing my upcoming mat leave. I know our budget inside out as well as our plans to use leave so said are you able to to change that, we are fine without the money but you having the extra leave would really help. If you know all about the financial situation aren’t you able to say one overtime shift is £x after tax and we will be fine without that while I’m not actually fine solo parenting all that extra time so can we limit it to one shift a week? Nothing youve said yet conveys that view hence questions comment, I was about to make the same tbh.