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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treat 'em mean keep 'em keen

49 replies

LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 13:32

I have been given some amazingly helpful responses on another thread. I'm seeing a man who isn't as in to me as I am to him and it's breaking my heart (and driving me nuts).

One of the suggestions was Treat 'Em Mean Keep 'Em Keen.

Does this ever actually work? I'm not sure that in this situation I am going to try it because I think I need to walk away now as I'm hurting. But maybe for future I should play it cooler with this saying in mind.

AIBU to think it might work?

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 27/01/2022 13:33

That's a stupid saying op.
Accept the fact he's just not that into you and walk away with dignity still intact.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 27/01/2022 13:34

How is game playing a good foundation for a relationship?

BadLad · 27/01/2022 13:34

It works for both men and women, but only shitheads do it.

SnowWhitesSM · 27/01/2022 13:35

The person who cares least has the most power. But you should be with someone where you feel the power is equal and balanced.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2022 13:36

What exactly would you be doing differently? Ignoring phone calls? Not returning texts? Etc…,

physwizz · 27/01/2022 13:36

Not an expert op but I would say that game playing like that never ends well.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel you can be yourself without being anxious and unsettled.

You should never feel like you have to present a side of yourself that is not a true reflex of who you really are.

When you're in a healthy relationship it's easy, not anxiety inducing or stressful

GiantSpider · 27/01/2022 13:36

I'm married now, but when I was happily single and genuinely not looking for a relationship I found that lots of men seemed to be interested. I didn't "treat 'em mean" exactly, but I think I was giving off "whatever" vibes because I honestly wasn't that bothered whether someone called or not. So I would say it's kind of true.

Moonface123 · 27/01/2022 13:37

Walk away, don' t waste time playing games, if a relationship is meant to be it will evolve naturally without the need to play silly games. Better to draw a line under it now than prolong your misery. My advice is if a door has closed stop knocking on it. Move on to better things.

TheVanguardSix · 27/01/2022 13:41

You can't bullwhip someone into loving you.
And why would you want to? What's in it for you? Why do you want this guy so much that you're willing to beg for him via the use of a silly psychological tactic that won't work anyway?
It's all hard work and no reward, OP. Life's too short for this BS.

yellowsmileyface · 27/01/2022 13:41

What if the next guy you're seeing is super interested in you but you decide to play it cool which he reads as a lack of interest and decides to back off, leaving you hurt again?

Never a good idea to play games. You shouldn't have to modify your behaviour like that to keep someone interested, you should be able to just be yourself.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/01/2022 13:41

It works if its genuine and you're not actually that bothered about them. I hate this saying as I think 'mean' is a bit strong and it really means 'be less interested in them than they are in you'

You cant pretend not to have feelings though, it wont help either of you in the long run. Best to cut your losses

MatildaTheCat · 27/01/2022 13:41

Playing it cool might be a nicer version of this and probably does keep some people interested but frankly it’s all playing games.

Sadly it’s better to move on with dignity if he’s not into you.

QuestionsorComments · 27/01/2022 13:43

Yes it works - people always want what they don't seem to be able to have, but why would you want to do that to a fellow human being?

DrManhattan · 27/01/2022 13:44

It works as some people want to win others over and see it as a challenge.

ginandbearit · 27/01/2022 13:45

Its also called 'going dark'...being suddenly unavailable and not returning calls etc ..it can be a useful technique in a long term relationship if you want the other to see whatvtheyre missing ..and it can often show you what youve been putting up with and how much better life is without the other ..but gameplaying at this stage isnt a great idea , if he's not interested enough now he probably won't ever be ...move on !

NotNowAlan · 27/01/2022 13:45

Like most sayings there's an element of truth. I read threads on here everyday posted by women who are martyrs to useless men, do everything for them, sacrifice their own needs and wants and can't understand why the man treats them with little regard. It's so frustrating. The saying "If you behave like a doormat, don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you" springs to mind. It's not about being mean, it's about having self esteem, knowing your worth, establishing boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Basically not taking any shit.

thecatsthecats · 27/01/2022 13:46

This might not be a popular opinion on a female focused site, but I find the more people you involve in drafting/assessing a relationship, the more batshit advice you will get.

Learn about red flags. Think about what you want.

And communicate with a man as if he were a female friend of yours. Don't listen to any pithy advice like "treat em mean" etc.

Don't think of it as dating - think of it as forming your relationship with your best friend.

If it doesn't feel like that, it's not the one for you.

Mummytobe93 · 27/01/2022 13:46

This might work in high school but not in adult relationship trying to build their life together.

If he’s not into you, being “mean” is not going to do much …

OfCourseIDontMind · 27/01/2022 13:57

In a relationship, the one who cares least holds the most power.
Whether that's a romantic, friendship or professional relationship.
The question is, how much do you respect yourself?
It isn't always easy to walk away, break-ups hurt. But it sounds like you're hurting already.
Have you had a conversation about this with him?

ApplesinmyPocket · 27/01/2022 14:02

If I were seeing a man who "wasn't as in to me as I was to him", I wouldn't be playing games but I would let him make the running (in the expectation that actually he wouldn't be bothered enough to make it.)

i.e. I wouldn't be texting him or suggesting dates - why would anyone do that if they thought the other person wasn't keen? I don't think that's 'treating them mean' .

It's healthy and positive to act as if you have a life of your own, that he might add something to it if he cares enough to, but he isn't essential to it.

FlasherMcGruff · 27/01/2022 14:05

Treat em ‘mean’ is the problem. Being mean, eg not complimenting them, ignoring calls, eyeing up other people in front of them, standing them up, cheating, criticising them etc etc is absolutely shit behaviour. It only keeps people with low self esteem keen, too.

However, being slightly less available definitely works. Not hanging on for their texts, being busy with your own plans and interests, not dropping everything to be at their beck and call, being assertive and not accepting them treating you badly…all of that is what keeps decent people keen.

Sn0tnose · 27/01/2022 14:22

It might work because he may enjoy the thrill of the chase. The trouble is, what happens next? Either you’ll spend the rest of your life sodding about and playing mind games or you let him catch you, at which point he remembers he’s not that into you.

Or it might not work because he’s not massively into you and can’t be bothered to chase after you.

The point is, this isn’t a healthy relationship and is only ever going to damage you. Walk away now. It’ll be painful but it will be worse if you don’t. Short term pain for long term gain. Don’t settle for a relationship where your partner doesn’t care about you as much as you care about them.

IlIlI · 27/01/2022 14:24

I think if they're keen they'll just be keen and if they're not then they're not. And if they're not then definitely don't try to game them into it or act not yourself, that's just a lot to keep up in the long run and doesn't ever really work out

workshy44 · 27/01/2022 14:28

Yes it works, people value what is hard won. Being a doormat, instantly available is unattractive to lots of people.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/01/2022 14:48

@GiantSpider

I'm married now, but when I was happily single and genuinely not looking for a relationship I found that lots of men seemed to be interested. I didn't "treat 'em mean" exactly, but I think I was giving off "whatever" vibes because I honestly wasn't that bothered whether someone called or not. So I would say it's kind of true.
This. I'm long term single, not looking for a relationship. Men around me seem to find this a "challenge." Hmm