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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Treat 'em mean keep 'em keen

49 replies

LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 13:32

I have been given some amazingly helpful responses on another thread. I'm seeing a man who isn't as in to me as I am to him and it's breaking my heart (and driving me nuts).

One of the suggestions was Treat 'Em Mean Keep 'Em Keen.

Does this ever actually work? I'm not sure that in this situation I am going to try it because I think I need to walk away now as I'm hurting. But maybe for future I should play it cooler with this saying in mind.

AIBU to think it might work?

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 27/01/2022 14:56

Playing it cool more likely to work than actually treating him mean. Is this what the other OP meant?

T00Ts · 27/01/2022 14:59

Surely if you treat someone you isn’t that into you ‘mean’, they’ll just be relieved and leave you?

Just bin him off and save your dignity.

DrSbaitso · 27/01/2022 15:04

Even if it were true, how sustainable is it?

5keletor · 27/01/2022 15:06

Why would you want to, if he isn't interested? If anything, I'd guess that he won't be bothered, or maybe relieved, if you back off if he isn't into you.

BigFatLiar · 27/01/2022 15:14

Perhaps that's what he's doing? Is it working? You're thinking of just abandoning the relationship such as it is. Why would anyone else put up with it? If you are interested

In someone treating them 'mean' is just not on, you treat someone you care about with kindness, affection and respect.
Does he see you in the same light as you see him? Does he see you as a girlfriend or simply as a friend?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 27/01/2022 15:15

Nope. Dumping people who don't treat you with kindness and respect works though.

Harlequin1088 · 27/01/2022 15:18

Unless you’re like 15, then no. I wouldn’t recommend this. Have some dignity and move on to someone who actually wants to spend time in your company.

BobbieT1999 · 27/01/2022 15:35

@thecatsthecats

This might not be a popular opinion on a female focused site, but I find the more people you involve in drafting/assessing a relationship, the more batshit advice you will get.

Learn about red flags. Think about what you want.

And communicate with a man as if he were a female friend of yours. Don't listen to any pithy advice like "treat em mean" etc.

Don't think of it as dating - think of it as forming your relationship with your best friend.

If it doesn't feel like that, it's not the one for you.

Spot on.

BoredZelda · 27/01/2022 15:38

Yes it works, people value what is hard won. Being a doormat, instantly available is unattractive to lots of people.

People shouldn't be considered as being "won". They aren't prizes or chattels to be fought over.

If someone felt they had to "win" me, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.

puffyisgood · 27/01/2022 15:41

@FlasherMcGruff

Treat em ‘mean’ is the problem. Being mean, eg not complimenting them, ignoring calls, eyeing up other people in front of them, standing them up, cheating, criticising them etc etc is absolutely shit behaviour. It only keeps people with low self esteem keen, too.

However, being slightly less available definitely works. Not hanging on for their texts, being busy with your own plans and interests, not dropping everything to be at their beck and call, being assertive and not accepting them treating you badly…all of that is what keeps decent people keen.

I more or less agree with this, & can certainly think of lots of other counter-productive types of "mean"-ness.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 27/01/2022 15:44

Might work if you are just new to dating or you have limited choices.

A woman I was dating tried this strategy, I dumped her. We've since met for a coffee and we chat via social media.
My ethos is 'snooze you lose', go get what you want but do not invest time in a person who's non-responsive.

TurquoiseDragon · 27/01/2022 15:47

@NotNowAlan

Like most sayings there's an element of truth. I read threads on here everyday posted by women who are martyrs to useless men, do everything for them, sacrifice their own needs and wants and can't understand why the man treats them with little regard. It's so frustrating. The saying "If you behave like a doormat, don't be surprised if people wipe their feet on you" springs to mind. It's not about being mean, it's about having self esteem, knowing your worth, establishing boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Basically not taking any shit.

This is how I would see that saying. I wouldn't treat anyone meanly, but I do (now) know what I'm worth and won't let anyone treat me badly.

Grida · 27/01/2022 16:25

It works for a while but then what? What is the point? Too keen can be a bit suffocating though, so back off a bit if that is the case.

BigYellowHat · 27/01/2022 16:29

Definitely stupid! My first proper boyfriend (when I was 16) nearly dumped me after I basically ignored him for two weeks after following The Rules to the letter! Does anyone else remember that book aka pile of crap?!!

Original poster

LittleKitten1 · 27/01/2022 18:36

Playing it cool more likely to work than actually treating him mean. Is this what the other OP meant?

Yes, I think so. Though I am only really going off the phrase as it was suggested by somebody.

I should say that when we are together he is really nice, attentive and seems in to it. It's just in between meet ups that he seems not so keen. Though does still call / text, just less keenly than I would like, with gaps. And doesn't set aside a time when we're next meeting in advance, it's a bit non committal and last min.

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 27/01/2022 19:59

Get busy. Date other men. Meet up with friends. Keep doing your hobbies. Have your own life.

If he doesn't book your date early enough, you'll be busy doing something else. If you are important to him, he will step up and get his booking in. If not, he won't be arsed and the relationship will stall.

This isn't game-playing, it is having your own life that does not go on-hold just because some bloke is flakey.

CambsAlways · 27/01/2022 20:14

I think it’s childish to play games, just be yourself if he comes to you he’s interested if he doesn’t then he’s really not that bothered, I wouldn’t waste my time

AlDanvers · 27/01/2022 20:22

I think playing it cool and backing off definitely works. I think 'treating them mean' isn't really OK.

However, it's game playing and it often back fires. Because the people who all of a sudden become interested when you don't seem to be, will lose interest once they feel you are invested. They get bored, they like the game.

And who wants someone that they have to play stupid games, to get them interested.

My advice has always been if you have to try and convince and cajole someone into being interested, the relationship just won't be worth it.

ButtockUp · 27/01/2022 20:48

Having my just read your previous thread I'm inclined to think that your are over invested in this relationship.

I'd certainly back off a bit ( or a lot) and just let things happen naturally. Please don't obsess over his messages.
That he can go 25 hours between texting you is perfectly reasonable in a relationship of , what, 2 months?

Clinging on to an old saying is suggesting that you want to play some kind of game with him.
Please don't... you'll just look sad.

ButtockUp · 27/01/2022 20:49

Sorry... 15 hours as you've said.

twinkie100 · 27/01/2022 20:54

It works if you are literally only interested in playing games, don't want a real relationship and are prepared to go in a continuous cycle of:
Being mean so he pays you attention
Having a nice time for a few weeks
Him getting bored
You treating him mean again
Let the cycle begin again....!

If he's not that into you, move on. You're too good for games!! 👏🏽

Ponoka7 · 27/01/2022 21:16

If you did it with the man you are casually seeing, he'll just drift off. As suggested, keep yourself busy and get other interests.

BigFatLiar · 28/01/2022 22:13

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Maybe its just how he is as far as texts/calls, some people aren't that into texting/phones. As for things being last minute, is he just poorly organised?

If you're into him, talk to him about it.
Backing off/cooling down would to me be an indication that you weren't bothered and he could feel free to move on.

TooManyPJs · 28/01/2022 22:56

When you say he isn't calling is texting enough in between "dates" how often is he calling/texting and how far is the gap between dates? And how long have you been seeing each other?

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