General drudgery and nagging is ruining my life

[Disparagingmary]

I’ve actually cried this morning. My DC are 15 and 17. Anyone would say they’re good kids but I feel it’s a constant round of nagging to get them to do anything. Getting up in the morning, going to bed, coming to the table at night, doing homework. Basically everything they do requires nagging which I hate and they hate but nothing changes. We’ve had calm conversations about it and they’ve seemed to understand.
DH has a very full on stressful job. Comes home most nights stressed so most of the drudgery of day to day life falls to me. Sorry this is garbled but I’m at the end of my tether. I’m miserable and feeling no joy in life.

Sounds rubbish OP! Have you tried not nagging and letting them deal with the consequences of not being up / not getting to the table in time / not doing homework?

Sounds crap op. This stood out at me - do you think it’s worth telling them this “ I’m miserable and feeling no joy in life.”?

I found I had to stand back and let them take the consequences.
One shout of dinner’s ready, they didn’t come to eat they got a cold meal or none at all. At 15 mine did their own washing and ironed anything they wanted straight away. Late for college/ school, their responsibility as I did my bit waking them up and making a bathroom available.
Comes a cut off point where they have to take responsibility for themselves.

Then... stop doing that. Don't nag them our of bed, and if they don't their part of chores for the house, don't do your part of chores for them (wash for them and so on). And explicitly spell out they are responsible for their self-management and hold them to that. Especially if they're boys and they will likely end up their wifes' problem if they don't sort themselves.

Do a 15 Yr old and 17 Yr old need nagging to get out of bed/do their homework/come to dinner?

I would say if they are late up that's their decision, and the natural consequence is they are late to school. Same with homework, if they don't do it they get in trouble. If they don't come for dinner their dinner gets cold. If they go to bed late they are tired.

Stop nagging them, it's their responsibility to do these things not yours and their decision to deal with the consequences

I agree with the others. Tell them that, since you don't like nagging, and they don't like you nagging, the nagging will stop. Consequences are on their own head.

Mine had to get themselves to school at that age. If they were late or forgot anything, that was on them.
Taught them how to adult.
They cooked one night a week each, cleaned up twice, did their own washing and cleaning their bathroom and bedrooms.
They also had part time jobs and played sport.
It taught them time management and how to prioritise.
Call a house meeting, explain that everyone is an adult. You all work and study, you all contribute to the running of the house.
When they try to slide back to the current situation, push back. It takes about 3 months to embed the new routine.
Good luck

At their ages step back. I wash teens (17,16,15+13!)uniforms but the floordrobe fall out is left to them. If they forget homework /PE stuff school can deal with that. Meals are as a family but contribution expected - help cook /set table /clear

Except Saturday nights. Self service night!!

My sympathies op.
I have left the clean socks and undies in a mound now. I'm piling t shirts on a chair too. Fed up of sorting it and saying "x is ready to be put away" ten times at increasing volume. (Personally I'd rather do the laundry I can't be bothered with separate loads. Though I do ask them to help by topping up a load with their stuff and putting powder in, machine on.)
Some of My DH's stuff is among this mound too now and it's refreshing/irritating to see them respond to his orders on the subject😉.
He also hates the call to dinner so will go about collecting them. Could your DH input help here at all? A second, different voice is important imo.
I've also stopped bothering about their favoured foods. It's amazing how much more receptive they are now to going to get a bag of shopping or preparing their favoured veg. (Expect initial sulking.)
Basically I'm opting out strategically. They don't care about the state of the bathroom sink so I'll do that, though they do know how. They just about see the point in vacuuming and wiping up dust (at 16 and 19 is feel we are coming through the worst of it) so I will remind them of their rooms and ask them to do other areas if they have time.
If you keep on with small steps it will get better ime.x

I endorse the stop naggin advice. But be clear with them beforehand: I do not plan to get you up for school - that is now your responsibility.

And set some ground rules: e.g. any clothes not in the laundry basket do not get washed. You will have to go around smelly. Food will go on the table and if you do not turn up to eat it, it will be binned or reheated for tomorrow. Homework is your responsibility - I do not plan to talk about it any more - if you need help with something, then fine, but otherwise it is your responsibility to take the consequences.

I never nagged my children about homework - they knew from day one that it was theirs and not mine; but that I was available to help when needed.

Could you (on a calm evening) sit down and lay a few facts/rules down that are non-negotiable.
I had to do this with mine and stick to it (hard I know).
One of the major things was that this is their life so they need to decide whether they want to work and do well in life as I wouldn’t be able to hover over them and force them to do what needed to be done to succeed. Up to them. If they choose to do their homework and work hard, great, but ultimately it’s their choice. Then step back and let them take the consequences. Tell them you will be stepping away and if they get into trouble at school, you won’t be making excuses for them and getting them out of it.
The other rules you set regarding dinner times etc are a show of respect to you. Remind them of this. Again, choice is everything. They can choose to eat when they are called or not (you decide what you do with their meal if not).
I’ve been there. It’s awful to hear yourself nagging - it feels like you’re so disrespected.
Time to get tough but at the same time, I bet they are great kids. They’re just normal ones!

I would say at 17 especially, they need to be given the responsibility to sort themselves out. 15 year old needs to start getting used to the idea. Obviously you don't want them to fail, but equally they won't learn how to be responsible adults if you keep nagging them.

Why are you doing everything?

Stop nagging and stop doing.

Tell your children that you are doing laundry for yourself and your husband from now on.

No further discussion.

Assign a bathroom for yourself and your husband and keep THAT clean only.

No further discussion.
If they want to live in filth, that is THEIR issue.

Stop cooking every night.

Shop so that there is stuff for sandwiches, tins of soup, beans, cold meats.

Cook a couple of nights a week that suit YOU.

Do something liggt and simple for your husband.

Stop buying ANY treats.
Cut the shopping right down.

Stop taxiing your children about.

Regarding getting them up?
Let them be late.
Drive off if they are not ready.

If they ARE late for school, tell them you will be cancelling their phone contracts and also cancelling the home wifi package.

Late last year an old friend of mine with 4 children teens/early 20's, her own orthodontics practice and elderly parents implemented the above plan because she was DONE asking and being stressed.

Things aren't perfect but definitely better.

Handing over the laundry to them meant after two weeks a DRAMATICALLY reduced laundry load.....amazing how slow they are to throw stuff in their basket when it's them that has to wash it. It took two weeks for THAT penny to drop.

It was the mean shopping that put manners on them most.
There was plenty of bread for a sandwich but by not buying treats she TRAUMATISED them🙄🤣.

She also started a delivery of a basic boring shop from Tesco's, but treats, AKA junk food will be dependent on them pulling their weight.

She feels much better because she has stepped back, they know it and she has realised that it simply wasn't realistic to be doing so much for 6 people in her 50's.

Her husband is great and has firmly blown off the children when they came to him complaining that mum has gone mad!

The only person that can change this dynamic is you.

Children will only change through self interest.

Step back and see what you can do to not allow this to continue.

So what if the house is a mess.
So what if their bedrooms stink.
So what if there is chaos for a couple of weeks.

If you can hold your nerve for a couple of weeks, get your husband on board, you will come out on top.

At the very least it will be a huge break from giving out and nagging, which my friend told me felt like a bloody holiday.

I stopped nagging as it was tipping my mental health down.

I announced I would be stopping once mine got to 15. I'd wake them once in the morning and then get on with my day.

Suddenly lunchboxes were appearing, children are up dressed and eating breakfast. Yes they have missed the bus a few times and had to walk miles to the train, but their time keeping has improved beyond measure.

I think withdrawing with notice has helped.

I also withdrew from collecting dirty washing off the floor. It took three weeks of complaining and them having to rewear dirty clothes, but, it resolved.

Next is helping with cooking......

At 15 and 17 they're old enough to cook a meal and do their own laundry. So I'd tell them that you will cook three dinners a week and they're each responsible for one. If they don't cook on their days, you won't either.

The laundry and getting up in the morning, just leave it to them. They'll only have to be late or not have clean clothes a couple of times to see the consequences of it. And they're old enough not to want to go to school in smelly, dirty clothes.

The homework I probably would still nag 15 year old about.

17 year old is going to be at university/college or working next year so I think you need to cut the apron strings there. When they're living alone/in halls, they're going to have to do all this for themselves.

Mine are the same age. In normal times I would be stricter but I am so conscious that the pandemic has affected them. Also we just moved house as I've separated from their dad. I don't want them to be lazy and spoilt but I just think they need more nurture than non covid generations would.

I try and pick my battles and I know when they have left home I will miss them.

Dig deep OP this too shall pass xxx

Thanks for understanding me! I’m in such a bad mood today purely because of them.
The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them.
Apart from that I do need to let them face the consequences. I feel so disrespected.

The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them.

No you don't, you let them stay home with no WiFi access.

You need to formulate a plan and stick to it. Loads of ideas already but I hear you that it's not always as simple as "just stop nagging". So, what boundaries work for you?

I'm not one of those parents who has 10 year old cooking for the whole family but with our 15yo:
Call them once for dinner then letting it go cold as PP mentioned.
Leave them a good 20 or 30 mins before waking them, whatever will make their morning a mad scramble.
Decouple yourself from bedtime. They need to be in their rooms by a certain time, that's it.
Ask them what rules and consequences they think there should be.
They sort their own lunch at weekends
Everyone washes up their own breakfast stuff by hand (this takes literally 1 minute each and makes clean up from lunch and dinner easier)
Everyone pitches in for 10 mins of tidying after dinner on my say-so. It makes me feel better because if nothing else, they have lifted a finger for those 10 mins. Ideally it would be every day but we are not there yet.

Treat yourself with respect, otherwise there is no way they will.

cross posted with you on the rural bus thing.

OK so how can you make it their problem if you have to take them? Maybe they could pay back that time somehow.

We sometimes do too much for our dc.

If they miss the bus and you have to take them what consequences do they have to consider? If none then maybe they pay your petrol or no phone usage etc

Teach them how to do their own washing, then it's up to them to do it or wear dirty clothes. Don't nag just leave it up to them.

Once a week they are responsible for the evening meal (even if it's beans on toast)

Being these things in gradually. My 14 year old is responsible for her own ironing. If she doesn't iron her school shirts then she loses her phone for that day - I don't bother about the rest of her clothes that's up to her. She also has to tidy her room on a specific day and change the bed linen, if she doesn't she loses some pocket money

@KatherineJaneway

The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them.

No you don't, you let them stay home with no WiFi access.

Absolutely this.

If actions don't have consequences then change will never come.

You sound a bit ground down, which really isn't good for you.

The key to showing them a new world order is always consequences.

They miss the bus?
No phones for the evening.

Turn the wifi off, disconnect it.

Feeling disrespected does not happen over night.

Why have you allowed it get to this stage?

Do you feel bullied by them?

If you do, that IS serious.

Talk to your husband.

Tell them unless they shape up you will be
getting rid of All technology, wifi and packages.

I have 4 kids that can be selfish at times.

But THEY respect me because I follow through.

So THEY KNOW that if I lay down a boundary I will follow through.

It might take a bit for me to spell out that they have crossed a line but they really know that if I say I will do something, I will do it.

Even if it inconvenienced me...like turning the wifi off.

They trust in my follow through.

It is the foundation of their security IMO that they can rely on me to do what I say I will do, good or bad.

Boundaries are hugely important as is teaching them consideration of each other.

My boys share a bathroom and it looked disgusting recently and their father had to read them both the riot act.
It wasn't because I was looking at it, but because the principle of leaving it tidy and clean for the next person was being ignored and I know they will bring that with them when they leave home.

So now it is crystal clear it has to be quickly cleaned down after every use OR their father will remove the shower head of the electric shower which will ruin their shower.. (top tip from a friend)!

Surely if they miss the bus a taxi with the cost coming from their pockets?
Bet that would shake them up.

You're enabling their behaviour and it won't change unless you do. You're responsible for raising decent human beings, that means making sure they are self sufficient adults. Did you read the post about the op poster who has to repeatedly get her dh up for work or he just won't? No doubt his parents didn't teach him that his behaviour had consequences and just nagged til he did things. You don't want that for your kids future partners

@Disparagingmary

Thanks for understanding me! I’m in such a bad mood today purely because of them. The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them. Apart from that I do need to let them face the consequences. I feel so disrespected.

No you don't

If you were at work then you couldn't.

Also, two meals on the trot that have to be binned because they haven't come to the table - no more meals provided. They can get their own(and clear up after)