General drudgery and nagging is ruining my life

[Disparagingmary]

I’ve actually cried this morning. My DC are 15 and 17. Anyone would say they’re good kids but I feel it’s a constant round of nagging to get them to do anything. Getting up in the morning, going to bed, coming to the table at night, doing homework. Basically everything they do requires nagging which I hate and they hate but nothing changes. We’ve had calm conversations about it and they’ve seemed to understand.
DH has a very full on stressful job. Comes home most nights stressed so most of the drudgery of day to day life falls to me. Sorry this is garbled but I’m at the end of my tether. I’m miserable and feeling no joy in life.

@Disparagingmary

Thanks for understanding me! I’m in such a bad mood today purely because of them. The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them. Apart from that I do need to let them face the consequences. I feel so disrespected.

Do you have to? As soon as my dd started secondary, she was told if she misses the bus, she's in charge of getting herself to school. She's 14 now and has once cycled the 6 miles there and back when she missed it one time, and another time paid for a taxi out of her own money. (I of course don't know if it's possible for you depending on where you live).

@Disparagingmary whilst it's winter call your dc once and open all of their bedroom windows.
They'll get a very cold message.

We give one warning that tea is ready and then if he doesn’t come down we turn off the wifi. Had to do it once or twice but not for a while now.
Chasing homework? No way - not after the stress of homeschooling in year 7 in lockdown. I keep an eye on the school app and it is flagged there if anything is missing. He knows there will be consequences if I get a message.
Getting up in the morning? Mine is resisting putting an alarm on his phone so I now go in once, turn the light on and pull his duvet off. That works.

Yes! Oh my goodness yes!

Mine aren't actually too bad at getting themselves up and ready.

My youngest I don't expect too much (12) , but it's the relentless battles over not wanting to wear a jacket or whatever. He'll grab onto an issue like a bull and won't give in until we are both stressed before he'll do what he is told.

My eldest (16) is good with knowing how to cook and do housework and we have a rota drawn up. She has anxiety though and sleeps a lot and it's the constant asking her to actually do her side of the housework, has she eaten, has she brushed teeth etc.. She's a vegetarian and she is a good cook. I make meals often for her but about half the time I have no time and only have time to make me and DS non veggie meal. She huffs and strops like Kevin from Harry Enfield sometimes at being reminded to do stuff.

I am on a low wage and can't afford much in the first place, so little to 'take off' them if they don't comply. DS I can remove his phone and give occasional takeaway for good behaviour. DD pays her own phone, suppose I could stop her socialising but technically she's an adult.

@Disparagingmary

Thanks for understanding me! I’m in such a bad mood today purely because of them. The trouble with the getting up in the morning is that we live rurally with one bus to school so if they miss that I have to take them. Apart from that I do need to let them face the consequences. I feel so disrespected.

If mine misses the only bus (because she is not ready on time) she has to get a taxi. That comes out of her allowance/savings.

Stop nagging, talk to them about what is expected from them, and then follow through. They will rise to the occasion.

Pick one issue at a time - maybe start with getting up for school. I would tell them that they’re getting one wake up call, and after that it’s on them. If they don’t get up, they will be home alone with no wifi or tv (remove plugs etc if needed). If they miss school more than once in a month then implement a consequence - perhaps refuse to drive them anywhere for a month.

Next up dinner. Ask them to pick a day each to cook dinner, and that they will need to request ingredients (implement a max budget) by the Sunday night. If they don’t do it, then no dinner that night. This will really test your resolve and whether you actually want change or if you’re a bit of a martyr - so many women complain on here about the burden of cooking and meal planning but then won’t let their family contribute.

Basically, you have to let things get worse for them to get better. Your children will miss a couple of days school. You’ll eat some dreadful meals. But all of this is necessary for them to turn into independent, competent adults.

Our senior school headmaster had a parents meeting before they joined the school and told all parents to step right back and make the pupil responsible for everything and face the consequences if they were late/forgot something. He said he would be calling parents to his office if he saw us delivering forgotten PE kits etc and wouldn't let the office staff take them to deliver- it wasn't their job either. Very good advice.

Good for him @caringdenise009
And I think at some schools, they're even stricter. A friend on mine took her year 3s cricket kit to reception on his first week when he left it at home - they told her to never do that again. Because it's just so important to learn.

@Suzanne999

I found I had to stand back and let them take the consequences. One shout of dinner’s ready, they didn’t come to eat they got a cold meal or none at all. At 15 mine did their own washing and ironed anything they wanted straight away. Late for college/ school, their responsibility as I did my bit waking them up and making a bathroom available. Comes a cut off point where they have to take responsibility for themselves.

This. Let them have cold food, be late to school, get detention for not doing homework etc. They are teenagers and only a few years away from being adults. You can't hover over them their whole lives telling them what to do.

Time to go on strike! No more nagging, no reminders, no more running around after them. Some natural consequences will make them shape up. They will be better adults for it and better equipped for independent life.

@caringdenise009

Our senior school headmaster had a parents meeting before they joined the school and told all parents to step right back and make the pupil responsible for everything and face the consequences if they were late/forgot something. He said he would be calling parents to his office if he saw us delivering forgotten PE kits etc and wouldn't let the office staff take them to deliver- it wasn't their job either. Very good advice.

I think that's a terrible attitude. We are all human and make mistakes and help each other through them. Some people don't ever 'learn' because they have difficulties with processing etc. DD's school gets great results and has the opposite approach. There is support for anyone who forgets things. So much better to set an example of being a kind person than 'haha caught you out and now you're stuffed'.

Oh OP I know the feeling, my two are 13 and 16. I'm finding the nagging over school work wearing, it gets more as they get older somehow.

@Valeriana87 You have my sympathy with your DS's refusal to wear jackets etc. My youngest (now 17) was like that and would argue back til blue in the face. I realised he was trying to exert control over a situation that I could easily regain by simply not arguing about it in the first place. "So you don't want to wear it? Okay, it's up to you." It's hard to stand back and watch your teen leave the house in the middle of winter in just their school jumper but you will start to feel okay about it and they will soon get the message that their "rebellion" isn't cool, just bloody freezing!

I have really benefitted greatly from this thread already. I have just drawn up a list of things the youngest has to take responsibility for and clearly laid out consequences. He's 17 and when eldest DS was the same age he was great at taking responsibility & being a caring, considerate adult eg cleaning up after himself, offering to make tea or a sandwich for others, and if I was busy with work (I have always wfh) he would pop in and ask if there were any jobs needed doing. Youngest DS is the polar opposite. He's kind and loving in his own way but ye gods he's a lazy bugger with eye rolling skills that would earn him an Olympic medal if it were a sport.

Pressed post too soon... OP, you have all my empathy. I'm so sorry you are feeling so crap. It really does wear you down, feels relentless and makes you feel like a shit parent. Some kids get it, others take a while. I honestly think following the advice here about telling once calmly and carrying out consequences is the way to go. There will undoubtedly be stropping, histrionics and full on teen drama but take yourself out of the situation, go read a book or run a bath or go for a walk so they can't keep on at you. Put yourself and your mental health first. You are teaching them an important lesson. Oh and I totally get the rural bus situation as we are the same. I am taking the advice of another poster who suggested charging them a taxi fare. DS will also have to wait until I am actually ready to take him. I start wfh at 9am. If taking him late won't allow me to do so he will have to wait until I take a break.

You need to give them more responsibility. My 16 yr old is up at 4.50 am three times a week as he has a part time job. He sets his alarm and just sorts himself out, to be fair l am a single parent so wasn' t always able to be around in the mornings, he is used to it, he also cooks his own dinner most nights as he eats a very high protein diet, and cleans his room. l don' t nag him but l encourage him to look around and see what needs doing and what l need help with to ensure smooth running of the house.

Sympathies @Disparagingmary I had a straw broke the camels back moment. I told dd she would be cooking for herself 3 times a week and doing her own laundry(note, for HER not us)
Well, she wore just about everything in her wardrobe until it ran out. Then got on with washing her clothes.
She spent two weeks making toast and eating cereal whilst giving me the evil eye. Not one word crossed my lips!
I buy her chicken, chops and sausages and she loves using the George Foreman grill. Hated used the oven.
Another positive is, she is enthusiastic now about my cooking and serving her meals. The same meals(say, carbonara or cottage pie) now get, "Oooh thank you" and not a sneery curled lip.
Bite the bullet, make the change and stick to your guns!!

Yeah I gave up nagging. Actions- consequences and I don’t turn into a moaner.
If you don’t do homework you don’t get pocket money. Say it once and follow through. Ditto mobile data etc

I'm shocked at how much some parents do for teens.

At 16 I had a part-time job, was fully independent with dentist/ doctors appts, cooking my own meals. It will still a shock going to university and having to budget and do food shopping etc.

The pandemic has meant young people I've met have seemed immature for thier age but think about them leaving home/ getting jobs. What skills do they need? See it as practice to let them fail and learn from their mistakes.

Our ds was a nightmare getting up for school. He got better once he was late several times after I stopped nagging him. I got him to set an alarm. I'd hear it go off and wait a while. I'd give him a shout to check he'd heard his alarm at first but he eventually got it. He's still late for stuff but it's his problem.
He has done his own laundry since age 15. I helped him out when he forgot to take his poppy off his school shirt and dyed them all pink.
Biggest proud moment in this category is when I got up and he (aged 14) was in the living room sewing a button on his school trousers. I think I'd shown him, when he asked how to do it when he was about 8!
I used to feel disrespected when my dh and ds didn't come to dinner when I called them but if they don't mind tepid food that's fine and if they're in the middle of something then fair enough. It's not a big deal. It's just the 3 of us and because of my disability I can't sit at the table so it fine.