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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex has cancelled DD's counselling as a way to control me

27 replies

scarvesandsocks · 26/01/2022 16:15

I'm feeling really upset about this. My ex is a very controlling and manipulative person. I've suffered lots of abuse since I was pregnant with DD. She is now 10 and has lots of issues- mainly as a result of him.

I spent ages planning and researching for an appropriate counsellor to help her through a hard time.

Unfortunately the only appointment I could get was on a day she's with her dad. I decided to be up front about it, and said I would pick her up from school so I could take her to the appointment.

I shared the counsellor's website with him which was also a mistake, as he contacted the counsellor directly to say she won't be doing any sessions with her. Because he disagrees with it.

He has also persuaded DD to say no to any counselling sessions. I actually feel sick and I don't know what to do, as she is now more messed up than ever and I really don't know where to turn for help with this.

To make matters worse, she was really pleased to be picked as a mind mentor at school this year - and attended training on helping other pupils. But now he's convinced her that counselling is bad and not allowed, so it is really messing with her head.

OP posts:
Pbbananabagel · 26/01/2022 16:36

That’s absolutely horrific. Are you still in contact with his family? Could they make him see some sense?

Theunamedcat · 26/01/2022 16:38

Contact a different councillor on your day? Honestly the best councillors in the world are useless if you can't get to them

Does your school have a councillor on site?

irrate · 26/01/2022 16:39

Well isn't he a delight!

You need to get the counselling rescheduled ASAP and don't tell him. tell the service if he contacts them they are not to disclose anything about the sessions as that is confidential. Clearly your child needs help and he is just a complete asshole for trying to stop this.

Massive hugs op you are doing your best for your little girl please don't let him stop you doing this.

Notimeforaname · 26/01/2022 16:43

Find counselling for one of your days and take her.

Mummytobe93 · 26/01/2022 16:44

He’s not fit to have parental responsibility as he is not putting child interests before his. It’s a form of abuse and I know someone who had her kids taken away based on that so I’d get ss/court involved.

Lunificent · 26/01/2022 16:49

I’d also be concerned that he has unsupervised contact with her. He sounds very damaging.

knittingaddict · 26/01/2022 16:53

Is there any way that you could take this back to the family court? My daughter's ex is abusive and if he did that she would be heading straight back to court.

SniffMyFeet · 26/01/2022 16:54

So sorry but why does she need a counsellor? It seems strange if she needs support herself that she has been chosen as a mind mentor
Not a criticism, just curious

LaurieFairyCake · 26/01/2022 16:54

Unless you have a court order I'd not let her go again and tell the school/SS what's happened

Then he can go to court and explain why he wants to prevent her having counselling

But I also think you've made a mistake scheduling this on his day (or even telling him at all)

Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 16:58

@SniffMyFeet

So sorry but why does she need a counsellor? It seems strange if she needs support herself that she has been chosen as a mind mentor Not a criticism, just curious
The school May have chosen her just for that reason. It could help her as well as the other Dd she is mentoring
Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 16:59

Other dc I mean

Porcupineintherough · 26/01/2022 17:00

No offence but arranging a counsellor on his day was bound to be a disaster and pretty shit if his day us literally 1 day per week anyway.

Start again and arrange counselling on one of your days. Then you take her to meet the counsellor and explain together what counselling is and why it might be helpful. You could look for a counsellor who offers drama or art therapy if she's likely to be more open to those.

Santahasjoinedww · 26/01/2022 17:04

If contact is court ordered I would seek legal advice. If it isn't she needs protecting from him.

Hapoydayz · 26/01/2022 17:08

What a shit dad he is. You would think he would want the best for his child even if that did mean she need that support on his day. Sadly, although it would be good that you could get her counselling regardless what day the only way forward will be on a day that she is with you as he is clearly an irresponsible parent. Probably best not to tell him anything, although you are doing the right thing as he will use it against you. Sounds like he is messing her up which is emotional abuse.

SniffMyFeet · 26/01/2022 17:08

Thank you @Hoppinggreen, maybe another supporting role, but a mind mentor?
Have school put her forward for counselling OP

Topseyt · 26/01/2022 17:10

Why does he have access to DD? Especially unsupervised. Is it court ordered or just an informal arrangement you have made with him?

It doesn't sound like the visits are doing much good. He seems incapable of putting her interests first and is dismissive of her mental health issues. Issues which he seems to have caused.

Stop the access if it is not court ordered. She doesn't need his ridiculous opinions and bullshit. Go back to the counsellor and get another appointment, or try to find another one who can give you one.

Share nothing with him. He is too irresponsible.

Topseyt · 26/01/2022 17:15

Oh, and if the access is court ordered get legal advice on this. See if you can stop it, or at least change it to supervised contact - less frequently too.

Still stop oversharing with him. He isn't a responsible parent. He is a twat.

MsInsomniac · 26/01/2022 17:17

My ex did this. Stopped ds accessing counselling and even stopped womens aid working with us by stating he had pr and didn’t give consent. I’m amazed it happened, even more amazed woman’s aid accepted this. He’s a vile man and ds no longer has any contact with him. I don’t have any advice , just here to say it isn’t just you 💐

Viviennemary · 26/01/2022 17:20

Not sure if I agree with private counselling for a ten year old unless advised by your GP or perhaps referred by school. . And for a ten year old with problems and issues being a mind mentor for other children. Just no. I think your ex has a point. But the two of you need to discuss it rather than be at loggerheads with each other.

Original poster
scarvesandsocks · 26/01/2022 17:41

Thanks all. He is really damaging to her, that is just one example. But it is hard to put it into words and it feels like other bodies like school and GP don't want to discriminate against the dad, so I have never known how to go ahead doing anything about it.

I'm scared of messing dd up more. Now she is scared and knows to say no to counselling, so I don't know about doing that with GP.

I'm also scared of family court as a friend's ex has been in trouble with the police a lot, and after a court order has the same amount of contact as my DD's dad. So I was scared that by going to court he'd end up with more contact.

I don't really know where to turn for support

OP posts:
Original poster
scarvesandsocks · 26/01/2022 17:42

@MsInsomniac that's terrible- it's amazing how much people listen to and respect these vile men.

That's great your dd no longer has any contact with him though.

I've contacted nspcc as I didn't know what else to do

OP posts:
bowtieandheels · 26/01/2022 20:24

I know this isn't of any use in this situation but I just wanted to say that in the future don't be open with him. These men aren't reasonable, they will look for every opportunity to control and hurt you. I know this from bitter experience and I know how hard it is to deal with them but for you and your daughters protection never let your guard down and only give them the bare minimum essential information. Anything else will be used as a weapon, they can't be trusted at all.
Wishing you luck.

Original poster
scarvesandsocks · 26/01/2022 21:17

Thanks @bowtieandheels I know, and I'm really kicking myself that I did it.

It's so hard as you normally hear advice like you've got to be open and honest and communicate openly to effectively co-parent etc. But the reality is that some people will never stop trying to manipulate and control you at every turn.

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 27/01/2022 16:50

@scarvesandsocks

Thanks *@bowtieandheels* I know, and I'm really kicking myself that I did it.

It's so hard as you normally hear advice like you've got to be open and honest and communicate openly to effectively co-parent etc. But the reality is that some people will never stop trying to manipulate and control you at every turn.

I know people say that, but I don't think they are taking into account abusive ex partners.

My daughter does the bare minimum as any contact is seen as a half open door for her ex. One minute you get overly friendly messages and the next it's a stab in the back. Grey rock is the only way with some people.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/01/2022 16:54

Go back to the councillor and explain he is abusive (half the reason you need a different day) ask if there is any way she can find someone to swap with and if not find someone else.

This is also (unfortunately) a lesson learned. Keep the information diet tight, limit strictly info your DD has and also explain what her dad is doing and how you will help her navigate around it .

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